and so that was christmas...

Christmas in the dirt hole was a rather surreal experience. For one, it was almost 80 degrees that day and I had the flu, so I was just uncomfortable all day long. It was only my husband, myself and the dog. The dog got a new toy (a bone filled with something smelly) that kept her attention almost all day long. She adored the bone to no end.

Most of our presents were practical presents. We got more of our china (one more place setting, and a group of soup bowls) and more wine glasses. I think we have 12 wine glasses. The fancy ones. We finally have every day ones, as my husband got me the stemless wineglasses I wanted. We got three DVDs (would have been four, but my brother and I were on the same wavelength and got my husband the same DVD...) and two games. It was a good haul, which got better the day after when the clothes arrived. My husbands dad and step mom gave us clothes! (and in the case of my husband shoes).

I adore clothes. I love getting clothes as presents. When I was a kid, I liked getting clothes, but they weren't the same as toys. However, about the time I was in fifth grade, I liked getting clothes. I just did not seem to get the clothes I wanted. My mom didn't seem to be able to get me stuff I'd wear. In fifth grade she gave me a pair of jeans, which I remember I was excited about until I put them on. I HAD HUGE HIPS! I know, why is an twelve year old thinking that way. I know I didn't have huge hips now. I bet they were tiny. But standing on my bed looking at myself in the mirror above my dresser, I was thinking I had huge hips. I all ready thought I had fat legs (I had thought this for a long time, I do not remember when it really started, but I do remember instances when I'd look at other girls my age and think, "Wow, they have really skinny legs. Mine are huge.") Thus, my body image issues began at who knows when, but I can pin point my feelings of huge hips to that moment on Christmas morning. I do not remember if I ever wore the jeans after that, but that was the last time my mom gave me clothes for Christmas. I never got clothes from her again as far as I can remember until I was in college and she gave me work out clothes for my 22 birthday. Man was I excited. I needed new pants to work out in and there they were, perfect workout pants.

I always hoped my family would get me clothes for Christmas, even after the wide hip jeans. They never really did until my grandma started getting me sweaters for Christmas after I was too old for toys and she had no idea what to get me. So, my dad said, "Uh, you can get her a sweater? She wears a size small." And so, I began to get sweaters. I love each one she got me. They were never exactly what I would have gotten, but I realized I loved each one. Freshman year of college she got me a purple sweater (I had to exchange it as she got the wrong size) and I wore it quite a bit. The next year she got me the softest, Grey sweat shirt. I still have it, even if the sleeves are too small for my liking. And the last two items have been pink sweaters. Which I would love to wear, but I live in a dirt hole that is not really cold enough for nice sweaters.

When I started dating my husband, the first Christmas I got a green, fleece jacket from his dad and step mom. The next Christmas (we were married) I got a pearl necklace (so lovely) and this year, I GOT CLOTHES! I WAS LIKE OMG THERE ARE CLOTHES IN HERE FROM THE GAP! I LOVE THESE CLOTHES! And they all FIT! Though, the best was a shirt not from the gap that said "I write." on the front and then on the back listed a the top five things writers hate to hear when they tell people they write. I've heard almost all of them and hate them all equally.

Dog for the Holidays

Two weeks ago, my husband and I drove the three hours to the biggest city within a stone's throw of the dirt hole to obtain a dog. I decided about three months ago, I wanted a dog. Actually, it was back last spring when I was alone for four weeks (or six?) and was paranoid out of my mind and realized yet again, I hate being alone. Well, for long extended peroids of time, on occasions I need "me" time and time to do my own thing. (I had about a year of my life where I had NO ME TIME and after I was on my own again, I was like, Dude, I wasted a year of my life not doing what I wanted...)

Anyways, we got up before the sun was fully up, and drove into the rising sun to obtain Basil Dog. I was overwhelmed at the dog adoption fair (once we found it) as there were so many people and not that many dogs. There were less the type of dog I wanted: a small lap dog. My husband wanted a rottweiler, which I had no interest in having. Anyways, we were wondering around and he found a dog that looked like a mini rottweiler but was pending adotpion. Why would you bring a pending adoption dog to an adoption fair. We wandered a bit more till we found a less crowded tent and another dog that looked like a mini rottweiler. We found out she was a beagle mix of some sort (later we decided she was a beagle/terrier/something else mix) and we paid for her and attempted to bring her home.

She didn't want to leave and my husband carried her to the car. She was too large for the crate I had bought (if I had gotten what I truely wanted, it would have been fine), so she just lay in the back seat of the racing station wagon (its a Subaru Impreza hatch back, better known as the racing station wagon). She was silent on the way home, didn't want to get out of the car and seemed still unsure about us and life in general. She was more playful once in the house and turned into the puppy she is (the lady we got her from thought she was about 10 months). Two weeks later, she is truely a puppy. She eats foam ear plugs, pin cushions and other things. She likes to eat my hand off while I try to reward train her.

She has yet to go after the Christmas tree or the presents, but everything else seems to be fair game. She used to understand the table in the family room was off limits, but as of yesterday, she's gone after anything on the table. She licked clean several mugs of hot choclate and tea. She drank my water off the table, and that was where she found the pin cushion that I had forgotten to put away after making a pillow for her to lay on. For the first week, I could leave her unattented while I was in the study working or in the bathroom showering. Not so much as of last Friday. She's pushing her boundries now.

This morning she got overly exicted upon the arrival of my husband and two of his fellow wanna be pilots. (They will achieve their goal of being pilots, they just aren't "pilots" yet.) She peed on the floor at the sight of D. Seriously. I mean, yeah she hadn't gone yet this morning, but I was sound asleep and suddenly I hear, "Uh, Basil Dog peed on the carpet because she was excited to see D." That was what woke me up this morning, the need to clean up pee. Lovely. After this joy to see D, she decided she still didn't like D. I'm not sure why? Because he doesn't smell like a dog? She likes our other friends who have two dogs. She seems freaked out by D. No idea why.

Freak.

Home for the Holidays

I don't go home for the holidays. Seriously, if I'm more than 100 miles away from home, I just don't go there.

The first time I was away for the holidays was when I was living in Scotland. I made the choice not to come home at the end of term (17 December, the date is seared into my head). I wanted to experience the full holiday season in Scotland. In June or July, whenever I bought my ticket, this sounded like a WONDERFUL idea to me and my friend who was also living in Scotland. However, she was staying a year and by the time we actually went to Scotland to begin the whole "living abroad" thing, she freaked out and was like, "I'm going home for Christmas!" Which left me on my own, which freaked me out. As time went on, I was like, "well, okay. I'll just be alone until my other friend comes to visit a few days after Christmas. I'll figure something out."

Oh, I did. I went to spend Christmas with my boyfriend. Yeah, it was REALLY STRANGE. Like, really strange. I felt the whole time I was intruding on something. I felt out of place and out of touch with reality. Now, my boyfriend I had whilst in Scotland was from New Zealand, yet his whole family was EVERYWHERE in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD, and it just happened his uncle lived in Edinburgh, thus where it made logical sense for him to spend Christmas. He asked if he could bring me. His uncle said yes.

We road the train to Edinburgh from Glasgow on Christmas Eve, catching the almost last train. This annoyed me to no end. I thought we were going to "go out" on Christmas Eve, but no one made any move to go anywhere and we sat around drinking the liquror brought in a pillow case and eating soup. The boy and I were put up in a kid's bedroom (kids were in Glasgow) with another "family friend." It was strange on many levels. In the morning there was a sock filled with bobbles and things for the two of us, which amazed and shocked me. The cousins who were visiting (who were from Protugal) had been in charge of the stockings. We made our way over to the "main house" and the whole family opened gifts (I got a jar of apple butter and a CD, both of which I have no idea where they went). Later, we went for a walk through the "snow" coverd "hills" and I froze to death in my beautiful mint green coat.

Dinner was somewhat normal, only really missing the cranberries. After dinner, the family broke up into pieces to watch the Halo game. At some point I ended up play for almost two hours with the six year old girl until the boy started throwing up.

The boy threw up for almost two hours. I meanwhile, felt sick as well and did not sleep at bit.

Boxing day all I wanted to do was go home. However, we had no way to get home. The whole country shuts down for Boxing Day. Also, the guy who we had been crashing at his house, left for Glasgow to get his kids. This meant no bed. I wanted a bed, I wanted ginger ale, I wanted to go home.

This six year old was rather attached to me. We went to her mother's house for Boxing Day meal, which neither the boy or I ate, due to the fact we wanted to ago to Glasgow. After finding out the trains weren't running, we went to the bus station and found they were running, so we took the bus home.

Then, once back in downtown Glasgow, the boy made us wonder around for 45 minutes to catch the bus back to the flat. Finally, I stopped on Suchaihall STreet and yelled, "I AM TAKING A TAXI. YOU CAN WALK OR WAIT FOR YOUR STUPID BUS."

He got in the taxi. We made it to the grocery store before it closed and got some bread and butter and lunch meat of some sort ( I think ham) and American Ginger Ale. Thus ended our hoilday.

The next Christmas I spent away from home was last year, when the holiday fell in the middle of the week and my husband couldn't get off. We ended up being invited over to my aunt and uncle's house for their Christmas lunch. They celebrate on Christmas Eve, thus there was no presents to be opened and instead they all marvled on how I had grown up so much since they had last seen me (which had been almost four years, and at that time I was very blonde). It was still strange and almost sort of loney once we went back our our apartment. We had opened our gifts on Christmas Eve, mostly because we were all alone, having been left by his family who had come to visit for a few days before Christmas. it was strange having our "meal" the day before Christmas Eve. It was strange not really celebrating Christmas in any way, as we had opened our gifts the night before (which was something I had never done.)

This year, being even farther away from anyone we known than we were last year, means we are really on our own. No aunts or uncles, or cousins for miles upon miles. We bought groceries yesterday and everyone was like, "Oh, you're staying here for Christmas?" It was like they were taking pitty on us for having no where to go. I'm not over joyed by the fact it'll just be me, my husband and our Basil Dog. But, that is my family now, and they happend to actually be with me this year, so its good. I'm sad none of our other friends will be around. I also am not so keen to subject myself to someone else's family gathering and have an out of touch with reality experience again like I did for Christmas in Scotland.

I must go find out where Basil Dog went, as she has a terrible habit of jumping on counters when not watched. She is but a puppy still.

the gift of giving

I used to think I was really good at giving gifts. I used to walk into a store and wander around and would find something PERFECT for the person I was looking for. I'd buy it without much thought, wrap it up in the most lovely way and give it with a glowing face.

Then I went to Scotland. I went to Scotland and had this "quasi" boy like friend like person. I had to buy this "quasi" boy like friend like person a birthday present. I realized at this moment I had no clue who this boy really was or what he liked (past the part where I thought he might like me to the point where he would sometimes speak to me.) I searched Glasgow for something "Scottish" to give him and failed horridly at finding ANYTHING. He ended up getting a Burberry plaid tie (I adore Burberry plaid) and a hat I bought for three pounds that said SCOTLAND on it. Horrid gift. I was utterly embarassed the moment I mailed it off and worried about it for weeks. I am still embarassed about it. Mostly because of what occured later and how now I wish I had not sent that tie to him. He, I just know, failed to realize my love for plaid and more than likely never wore the tie or hat.

Later, I had to buy a Christmas present for the guy I hooked up with while in Scotland. I knew this guy better than the "quasi" boy, yet I was at a loss on what to get him. With the exception of one, all the other "guys" I had dated had been so easy to get something for. The best gift ever, I gave to the guy I dated for almost two years in high school. It was the first birthday I knew him for and I got him a tape recorder and a blue notebook. He had mentioned to me he wanted a tape recorder to record his idea for rapes. Thus, I gave him items to achieve his dream. I am serious that is the best gift I've managed to give. There have been a few moments of clarity like that since then, but none as great at that. I gave the guy in Scotland a package of Mars Bars wrapped in my baby blanket (which was about the size of a box, which actually replaced my real baby blanket that my MOM THREW AWAY). The baby blanket story had been told to this boy and he was the first person I had told the whole thing to who did not laugh at me and understood. (My husband understood as well and never made fun of me, and still lets me wrap myself up in the blanket that replaced the lost blanket...as I gave it to the Scotland boy (who wasn't scottish but that's another story).) Anyway, while I was in Scotland I felt that I did not need a blanket any more, so I gave it away. Only after I came home I realized I did need a blanket, thus one I bought in Scotland to keep warm (which was a baby blanket, but it was fuzzy, soft and cheaper than regular people blankets, give me a break) became the blanket I use to this day.

I digress, I suck at giving gifts. My poor husband has suffered at the hands of my horrid gift giving for years. I've given him a blanket. I've given him sweaters. I've given him socks and undershirts. I gave him kitchen utensils for our anniversary. My mom usually tells me what to get for our family (she is a master gift giver) and my husband's family usually gets what ever thing I decide to make for the year. Last year they all got candles. Everyone got a candle and stand I made from stuff from the craft store. I was going to make photo collages for this christmas, but I realized I'd never get it done because I was lazy, so I just bought stuff at random really.

Gift givin would be easier if I was buying for myself. I found a billion things I'd like today while Christmas shopping (well, really birthday shopping for husband).

At least I can wrap to some degree. Though I think the gift for my dad got damaged by the dog.

Oh yes, I got a dog by the way. More on her later. Its December. Christmas time.

an entertaining reprieve

I finally went to see Twilight last night with two others, one of which had all ready seen it. The one who had seen it said that she liked it better the second time, the other said she wasn't disappointed because she knew she wouldn't like it. It seems she was like I and knew it was bad but just had to look.

However comma, I liked it. I mean, maybe I liked it because of all I had read on it? Maybe because I had read the movie in 15 minute by Cleolinda? Maybe because I hated certain parts of the book so badly that I was thrilled that they were MIA from the movie? I am not sure, but here is what I really enjoyed:

1. There was some Bella narrating, but I did not have to listen to 300 pages of how gorgeous, beautiful, lovely, stunning, dazzling, etc Edward was. I think I only remember her saying it once, and that was to his face.

2. PLOT SHOWED UP EARLY! Yeah, you know, the plot with those three EVIL vampires? Yeah, they showed up early! They had a back story! Oh, how exciting!

3. Edward...oh, he was actually wonderfully played by Robert Pattinson. (Or whatever his name is...). The way he was played was wonderful, the way Edward should be played. And in all honesty, seeing I hate Bella in the books, I had no probelm with Kristen Stewarts performance. She played Bella how I figured Bella would behave. Bella is sort of a stone, lacks much personality, and has nice hair. She brooeded well and played the sappy parts quite well. I heard from one of the girls that the other movie she had been in, she played that character the same way she played Bella. Oh well. So, she can't act? Nor can Bella.

4. The music was brilliant. Seriously, the music they put with each secne was perfect. I got goosebumps and the jumping insides all at the right moments.

5. I felt that the "relationship" and falling in love with Edward was a little more "developed" in the movie than the book. That was my major probelm with the book. WHAM BAM I LOVE YOU! In the movie it was more, Uh, why do you hate me? I don't hate you. Yes you do. I should hate you, I want to eat you. You're strange. We should be friends. Okay. Whatever. But I want to. Yeah, me too. Oh, you saved me. Okay, I'll take you home now. Wow you're strong and fast! I'm a killer, but look great in my James Dean outfit. Hey, let's hang out more, do you want to go to the beach? Uh, no...don't do that beach. Okay, I'll find out why. That's nice, have fun and don't die! Hey, its that Native American kid I met when I got here, let's get him to tell me something of value! Oh, what are you doing, Bella? Nothing, but I'll go to the bookstore and almost get attack by some bad, drunk boys. But I will save you in my hatchback volvo! YAY! I know, I am protecive of you. That is nice. Yeah, I hear people's thoughts, but not yours. Am I strange? No. I am. Okay. I thinkI love you. That is nice. I will read this book and surf the internet for answers. I love you, so I will follow you to the forest after you give me that evil look. I know what you are. SAY IT! Vampire bicha! Yeah, you got me, I sparkle. I love you. Okay, yeah, I love you too. Let's hang out and talk a lot and have nice sence of forsts and trees! Sounds good to me.

6. See, that was like half the movie!

7. Roselia had a bootie. That bothered me. Jasper's hair also bothered me, as did Carlise. What is with the blonde?!

8. Anyways, I enjoyed the movie for what it was. I was not expecting too much, maybe that was why I liked it?

finding spirit

So, my mom introduced me to Straight No Chaser, who had been "making the rounds" in Chicago or something. So I hit the link, as she sent this shortly after my post about finding new Christmas music. I found new Christmas music. However comma, I have yet to drive my husband nuts with it, as he has never been around whilst while I was listening to it. Anyways....

I go through phases where I love the holidays and hate them with a flaming passion. Until I was 16 and had a job, I never understood why ANYONE would not like Christmas. However, once you work retail, you learn to loath the holidays. Longer hours, more angry people throwing checks at you and other things. My first Christmas holiday working, I was learning new skills and being heaped on with all this new stuff while people didn't understand I was in the mists of being "trained." So they did a lot of yelling and throwing things at me. I am a fast learner, but the first day I was stuck up there was the day after Thanksgiving, after having a "quick" lesson on Wednesday. I caught on by the end of the day, but least to say I was frazzled beyond all known belief.

Two Christmases at the same retail store, sucked the life out of me. There wasn't enough time to do my Christmas shopping and wrap things. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, I do not remember when, I became the wrapper in the family. Everyone save my mom gave me EVERYTHING to wrap (except my own gifts, thus I always knew which ones were mine by simply looking at them.) When I did not have a job, this was FUN! I loved turning on my music, singing and wrapping and making my own bows. After I got a job, it was less fun for various reasons. One, I was tired of Christmas by December first and I had this "social" life and it was hard to wrap presents and curl ribbon while holding a stupid phone to my ear and listening to the latest drama of the day. Then I started college.

I was gone till a few days before Christmas now. And they still saved the gifts for me to wrap. I don't know if my family knew this, but college was very hard on me. I was ALWAYS stressed out twenty four hours a day, yet I did not know it. When I came home for breaks, I was usually brain dead and wanted to fall over and die. And I come home to a room full of unwrapped presents. Freshman year there was the added....uh, not sure for the word for it, but my boyfriend of the time (who I was growing tired of) was living in the house and was ALWAYS around. It drove me nuts that I had no space, had to wrap these with him sitting there staring at me, jealous that I was paying attention to boxes and ribbon than him. Sophomore year, he was gone, long gone, but I was about ten pounds lighter due to stress and was about to crack. As the years went on, my wrapping got less complicated to the point where I would just stick pre-made bows on them, as I was over annoyed that no one besides my mom could wrap any more.

My dad, bless him, buys things year around and then "hides them." He hides them from himself (my mom is guilty of this as well). So, as the season drags on, he "finds" his gifts. So I will have a wrapping session and he will later find a slew of things. Sometimes, on the day of he will find presents for my grandparents and go into a tizzy about me wrapping them before they arrive for supper.

Last year, I made and wrapped all the presents. My husband watched TV, played on the internet and later helped pack up the ones to be shipped. This year, I wrapped everything and made bows. Last year I don't think I made bows. However, I am currently under no stress and have a ton of time to wrap things. I did not go as nuts as I did during my hay day wrapping, as I do not have the money to do this (nor my dad's money). I reused last years paper of gold and silver and bought ribbon that can be "reused" over and over and over. I made bows how I learned to make them whilst I interned at Rockford Area Convention and Visitors Bureau, the RACVB bow. It was a useful skill in reality. I figure maybe my husbands step mom and my mother will save the bows, but I tried to be eco-friendly. I usually do bags now, but it just didn't seem right to use bags for everything at Christmas time.

it is that time of year

I have been listening to the same Christmas music since I was about fifteen or so. I know, lame, but it is true. The bulk of my Christmas music comes from 'N Sync and 98 Degrees. I only have 98 Degrees because I drove my parents nuts listening to the 'N Sync CD nonstop for almost three weeks straight or something insane like that. To save themselves, they bought 98 Degrees. I am not sure why they did this, as I was never a big 98 Degrees fan or any sort, but I enjoyed it none the less and added it to the Christmas rotation.

Also, I stole a few CDs from my dad, one being the Barbra Streisand CD. I know, weird right? But it gets weirder. I stole it when I was maybe ten or so. I listened to it, along with the Disney CD and the "fun songs" Christmas CD, which we got simply because it had "I'm Getting Nothin' For Christmas" on it. When I got into 'N Sync and boy bands, I kept Babs, but got rid of Disney. To this day, I do not know where Mickey and Friends are. I added the "fun songs" back into the rotation due to the fact I needed something other than boy bands and...The OC Chrismakka CD, which I got for Christmas whilst in Scotland. It only has 12 songs, so I needed to pad out my selection during my working days. I had a 45 minute drive, and boy bands wore me thin after a week. I had added a few free songs off of iTunes since this time, but not many. I have many copies of "O Holy Night" as I adore that song, along with my all time fav, "First Noel." I am not sure why I enjoy those, other than I enjoy singing along with them.

I married a man who has a birthday a few days before Christmas, so he likes to be a kurmudgen and not do anything Christmas like before his birthday. So to annoy him, I listen to Christmas music year round. Due to this, I realized I need to expand yet again my collection of Christmas music, as it is limited. However, I have no idea where to begin. There is just so much. I do not have any all time fav artist I want to have a Christmas album from, so I am not sure what to do. Also, I live in a dirt hole, so the only place to buy CDs is Wal-Mart. Not that I'm into buying CDs, but I always find it helpful when I am at a loss on what to do, I need to be able to hold things and look at them. Surfing iTunes or Amazon leaves me befuddled and confused. Or buying too much, or buying stuff I later decide I'm not too crazy about. Like Christina's "O Holy Night." While I adore the song, I'm not totally crazy about hers, or that Hanson track I bought. I don't even like Hanson, but they covered "O Holy Night" and "First Noel" I think in one song! What could be wrong with that?!

Well, it was Hanson, and I forgot for a moment, crazed by Christmas music, that I'm not their biggest fan. Oh well. We will see what to do on a later date.

I've become one of those bloggers...

Oh my god, I suck at posting here. Anyways, my reason for posting: CONRAD WANTS OUT!

OHNOZ! How can this be? I thought he wasn't going to as Bush Boy for a pardon? I thought he was ABOVE THAT?!

Jerk.

Cravin' freedom? One should have thought of that before you GOT CONVICTED and STOLE THAT $$$$ and became a total sketch bag. Dude, was Radler always orange? If so, that should have totally tipped you off on him. Orange people tend to be sketchy...especially when they wear rainbow ties and falling apart shoes and have whispy hair and REALLY ORANGE SKIN. But, no, Mr. Black, you went along in the plan, got your $$ and then you went on trial because the SEC found you out and BAM, you are in jail and now YOU WANT PUSH TO PARDON YOU FOR BEING A SCEEZE BAG?

I bet Bush will do it. Do you know why? Black is part of the corporate world. He is a big player (or at least thinks he is) and he likes Bush I bet. Deep down I bet Conrad LOVE BUSH. And even if he's not on the list now, he might get himself addes at the last moment. Yet, if Bush boy is smart (which he just might be at some point) he wont' do it, as Conrad isn't very American. Or Canadian for that matter. He is British. And last I remember, he was really a man without a country because no one wanted him. Poor Conrad. Fallen from grace.

Oh, and I just like this for its title: Conrad Black is an Idiot.
Anyways, I am done ranting about Conrad Black.

long time no blog, eh?

Sorry. I have been "busy" with "living life" and developing an obsessive need for a dawg. I have everything I might need for this dawg, not just the dawg yet. No one in the dirt hole has the sort of dawg I crave, desire, want, need, etc. So i have to travel out of the dirt hole, and that takes timing and planning, etc.

Anyways, the Twilight movie is upon us! Ohnoz! People are going crazy! People are upset at being closed out of apperances! Ohnoz! The world has gone to crazy town! I have been following this craziness via Cleolinda's Occupation:Girl and that is all. I get all Twilight info from this website, as she shares my crazy need for Twilight, but not truely understanding the obessive nature of the fangirls towards it. Basically, she makes it funny and I realized reading something today, that is what is missing from the whole thing: funny. Its got no funny charm like Buffy did. Through reading Cleolinda's summaries and take on the whole thing, it became FUNNY! I enjoyed the fourth book purely because I had read her take on the whole thing, and it was fresh in my memory upon reading the book, so I tended to laugh a lot.

I wonder how the dirt hole will handle this craziness?

I rock, I roll, I forget to stop

YAY! BARACK WON!

YAY! ELECTION IS OVER!

YAY! WE CAN START CAMPAIGNING FOR 2012! I AM SO EXCITED!

In other news, I hate close minded people. Some folks my husband works with stated yesterday that people living in the dirt hole should not be allowed to vote as they will vote Democratic, not Republican. WHO CARES IF THEY ARE DEMOCRATS! EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO AND CAN SHOULD VOTE, DAMN IT. How stupid are people? I never heard in my life a person say that "Oh, so and so shouldn't vote because they are Republican." Never. I have heard people say people shouldn't vote because they are stupid, but not based on what paper they are affiliated with. I have only heard close minded people make such comments, and sadly they usually associated themselves with Republicans. WHY?! Why in this day and age are people still making stupid comments like that?

Urg. The other thing is that people in the dirt hole speak Spanish, some of them that is the only laungage they speak. Thus, these close minded people went on to tell my husband that when these Spanish only speaking people show up to vote, the people working point at McCain and tell them to mark that one. This upset me (and a few others) for an array of reasons. One, only US citizens can vote. If you are not born here, to become a citizen one must speak English to a point. Usually better than I speak it, but I digress. They would be able to tell the difference between McCain and Barack. The other thing, which D pointed out to my husband and I, is that while he cannot speak a word of Spanish, he can read names. He can tell the difference between one name from the other and knows who they are. Thus, someone who spoke Spanish and showed up to vote, would know WHO THEY WANTED TO VOTE FOR AND wouldn't be SO STUPID as to FALL FOR THAT ILLEAGAL TRICK.

God, I hate it here. Please, please can I go back to civilization? To my little liberal cocoon? I miss my liberal cocoon. Seriously, where did all these close minded, idiots come from?

Pull the shutters tight

Election day is upon us. Tomorrow, the world will change!

(Never mind it changes every minute of our lives, but tomorrow there will be CHANGE)

Four years ago, when Bush was re-elected (or elected for the first time) I was in Scotland, stumbling around while people kept asking me about the election. The day after the election, I do not think I had been noticed more. Suddenly, I was a glaring American beacon who would tell all what America was thinking and WHY they re-elected (or elected for the first time) an idiot. I had no answers for them, as I had not voted, much to the dismay of many. I did not care, I knew who would win and I knew it did not matter what I did. As I stated before, I was pretty right about the whole thing.

This election, even thought I still felt my vote had little count to it, as I know IL will go Democratic, I still voted. Just because I HATE SARAH PALIN. I know this is a LAME reason to vote, but it is why I went out there, went through the hassel and voted.

And now I am advoiding election news at all costs. My husband as watched the weather channel (they predict if it rains, the Republicans win) and the morning news. Later he was on some news website and looking at maps. I ignored him during these points of time by reading books. Now he is at work, and I have watched DVDs and cable TV that will not tell me any news. I find it is best not to expose myself to election coverage. I did not the last election, and actually did not find out who had won until I think maybe lunch. They were not sure at that point still, but it looked as thought Bush had won. By my last class of the day, they sure were Bush had won, and I was the center of attention.

I wonder if Kerry had won, if I would have been the center of attention?

I am a fuddy duddy

Well, tomorrow is Halloween. I have never been one of those people who is uber excited by this upcoming holiday. It seemed, as a child, I was always wearing the wrong costume. My mother mostly dictated what I was for Halloween based on what she could sew. Granted, I was always super adorable, but I never have the "it" costume and usually people in my own age group would make fun of me, or just stare at me blankly, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

The first costume I remember was a bear costume. I was totally adorable. Totally. I still think I was more than likely the cutest kid in preschool, even though as I stood there in all my bear glory, all I wanted to be was Rainbow Bright. Yeah, do you remember her? I sure do simply because I was not Rainbow Bright, but a bear. In kindergarden, I was a bee. Or was that first grade? I do not remember, but I was a bee because my mother paid an arm and a leg for this bee dance costume and she was damn if I was not going to wear it again. I think she even made me wear the black tap shoes she had to buy just for the damn outfit because of course, she had bought me white ones to begin with. And bees do not have white feet. Whatever grade I happened to be in, we walked through the school, and while all the kids stared at me blankly, all the teachers said, "Oh! You're so cute!"

I do not remember what I wanted to be that year, but I do remember I did not want to be a bee. In first or second grade I was Madeline. I lack red hair, so my mom made me a wig, which I hated. It was made out of bright red yarn. She had bought what claimed to be red spray for one's hair, but it was very pink when she sprayed it on a piece of paper, thus it never went in my hair. I think that year I wanted to be The Little Mermaid, which is what the girl across the street was and she had a real red hair wig, not made of yarn.

In fourth grade, my mother talked me into Bonnie from Bonnie and Clyde. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, but she did not want to spend a lot fo time on me that year due to the fact my brother was going to be Dark Wing Duck, and he had a complicated costume. Thus, she stuck me in some of her old clothes she altered to fit me and made me a "bank bag." No one had any idea I was, except my fourth grade teacher, who when she saw the bag was like, "OH! You're Bonnie!" And I was like, "Uh, yeah." This was the same teacher who had almost lost it when I was a bee with just how cute I was. Later, I got tired of explaining what I was to people, so I told them I was a French Artisit, as that seemed to make more sense to people who weren't smart enough to figure out the bank bag.

My last costume was Kirsten, the American Girl. I was her in fifth grade. I lack blonde hair, so we just crammed my hair into my bonnet and no one was any wiser. At that point in time, my eyes were still brilliantly blue, so I had that going for me. It was the least cool costume, but I do not remember caring that much in all honesty. That year, my mom FINALLY allowed me to come home at lunch to change, thus I did not have to change into my costume in the bathroom. It was a bit complicated to carry in a bag, so she finally let me come home and change.

After that, I never dressed up again really until I was in college. Sophomore year I was Buffy. I had the blonde hair by that point and I had a hair cut similar to the one she had in the second season. So, I put on a white dress, black knee high boots and a leather jacket and proclaimed I was Buffy. It went over well with my friends. In Scotland, I did not celebrate Halloween as I was in Ireland. Senior year, I was going to be Rory, but I discovered my plaid school girl skirt was a bit too short suddenly, so I wore a different skirt and an orange sweater. Everyone still thought I looked like Rory, as I had her hair. And I guess I look sort of like her when I had long hair. But after that I gave up on Halloween. I did not even wear orange or black when I was working. My department did a theme and they all dressed up as various characters from The Wizard of Oz. It was very surreal...my boss was in a Dorthy costume and looked like she was about twelve. And I had to take orders from her! It was odd. Last year, I totally missed Halloween because...uh, I think I was being forced to climb up a mountain maybe? I fail to remember.

This year I think I'll wear my "vintage" dress/tunic I made. It looks sort of mod 60s, and I have been dying to wear it, but I think it looks too 60s if I wear it alone, and I can't seem to find any leggings in the dirt hole to wear with it. Anyways, trick-o-treating here is from 6-8 pm, which to me seems stupid and late. I don't want people ringing my doorbell all through dinner. Evidently, I am the only one who believe that trick-o-treating should be right after school from 3-6. As a kid, I hated waiting till three to go. I can't imagining coming home from school and having to wait three hours to go. A half hour was long enough. Plus, as a kid I hated going after dark as it was colder and I couldn't see where I was going and I felt strange interprupting people's dinner. But I guess I am just a fuddy duddy.

I did finally go buy candy today. My husband claimed if we bought it this past weekend I'd just eat it all. What I forgot to buy was a block fo Velveeta cheese and some chili. Here's the reason I need chili:

I was supposed to be born on Halloween. But, due to the fact I was me at the time, I didn't want to come out and waited around for two more days, putting my mother through a lot of pain, as I thought I might want to come out on Halloween, but then I changed my mind. Anyways, on Halloween night, my mom made chili. It became a tradition for us to have chili on Hallween night after that. We were never big on traditions on our family, and as we got older, my mom seemed like to kill any we had, but my dad always stopped her from killing that one. Last year on Halloween, I failed to eat chili becasue I wasn't home. This year, I'll have to go get some at the grocery store. Maybe I'll get some cheese when I go out again?

since you've been gone

well, today is a rather big day. many moons ago, on this very day, I decided I wanted to get married. So, I did. And here I am now, married. And old.

Today, in the mail, I got a coupon to Ann Taylor Loft. In honor of my upcoming birthday (yeah, I decided to get married around my birthday. Just to torture my husband.) I also got a reminded to buy life insurance from my credit union so I could get in on my current age rate, and not my soon to be new age rates. I am not going to be using either of these items as a) there isn't an Ann Taylor Loft for at least 200 miles and b) I have had life insurance since I was about four days old. My dad is prepared for everything. I had no idea I had this insurance until he decided after I graduated from college that I should pay it. So, that was when I found out I had life insurance.

This past weekend, my husband and I tried to figure out how to celebrate our anniversary. Seeing we live in a dirt hole, we were lacking in options. We could go to a restaurant that might serve us bad food for an outrageous price, or eat at home and have it be good. So we ate at home. This morning, I found my present on the wall of our living room. My husband conspired with D in order to get it here and not allow me to find it. I am not sure how he did this all, as it is a large picture and I did find the tube it came in. It was in the trunk of my husband's car. Addressed to me. So, yes. Last night he said to D, "Hey, can you bring that thing I gave you to hold on to tomorrow morning?"

This made little sense to me, due to the fact I would be alone in the house all day while he was off flying in circles. With D. Thus, wouldn't it have made more sense to have D bring it later? Well, it was here this morning when I woke, and of course I cried when I saw the picture, as it was a picture of the place we got married. Maybe he did it this way so he wouldn't be around while I stood there and cried? No idea.

On a totally different note, lately I've been carrying a purse that I've has since I was 17. Or maybe 16. I honestly cannot remember when I got this purse. I remember getting it. I remember why I got it. This girl in my Chemistry class had it and I thought it was a really cool purse. It was a basic black purse. It had a stiff handle/arm hole and was made out of canvas. It looked sort of like a Prada purse, but it was made by Guess? before Guess? went all whacko and tacky. I think I paid 50 bucks for this purse and I loved it. I had a friend who called it my armpit purse, because it pretty much sits right under your arm pit when you wear it on your shoulder. This purse freaked this friend out a little, but not as much as my half round mini backpack Ralph Lauren Sport bag I had. I do not know why she was freaked so much by it, but she was. She was under the impression I think I bought purse to freak her out. But that was not why I got it. I got it because to me it seemed a bit more grown up than the purses I had been carring around. I viewed it as an investment, as to me 50 dollars (or whatever it cost at the time) was a lot of money. I carried it for a long time too, I think. It was a great school purse, and when I did break down and buy another cheap purse at Target, I missed the Guess? purse. Every now and then, I'd bring it out again and carry it around, remembering why I loved it.

I got it out the other day. It was squished on the shelf in the Man Room of our house, along with my other black purse I bought for I think 10 bucks last winter when I was job hunting and needed a purse that fit my resume. The Guess? purse has seen better days. The main body of the purse is loosing its shape, but that darn handle is still stiff as the day I bought it. Besides a little sagging in the body, the purse is still good. Though, I discoved it lacks a cell phone pouch. This amazed me as I stared into the purse. I had a cell phone when I bought the purse, but at that time I guess cell phones weren't that big of a thing, as the purse did not have a pocket in it for the phone. I think I spent awhile staring at the purse, wondering what to do with my phone, as it is a newer phone and I'd like to keep it nice. I ended up tossing it in the pocket I used for personal items. So, I've been carrying this ancient Guess? purse around for awhile now. And I am still amazed just how much I love it. (even if it lacks a cell phone pocket.) Since arriving in the dirt hole, I've been carrying a lot of my older purses. I am not sure why, but I have. No one ever says I have a cute purse or anything. The only time people have said anything about my purse is when I carried my Coach purse for awhile. But, who cares. I like my ancient Guess? purse.

At least he's not bored...

It seems, Mr. Conrad Black has gotten himself a "job" while he is sitting around his prison cell in Florida. He's been writing like crazy since he got there, but now he's working for the Daily Beast.

Whoa. First off, he wrote an article about McCain and how he failed when he needed to be totally hard core. He titled it "McCain Missed A Trick." Now, Conrad doesn't truly lay out a good plan of attack...he is mostly just using his usual huge ass words and waffling along. But he has generated himself press, something I bet he misses.

Today, an article on FDR appeared. I have a feeling Mr. Black thinks he's a major know it all when it comes to FDR, as he did write a book on the man. However, it seems he might need an editor, as pointed out here. I wonder if they have those in prison?

it seems you wish to give me a lifetime of discounts

Four years ago, I lived in Scotland for awhile. (And I know it was four years ago, because I was over there for the last election, which they were UBER excited about there.) Anyways, I spent a lot of time in Boots. At first my dad thought I was buying boots all the time, on a daily basis. However, I explained to him nicely that I was not buying boots (though I really wanted this kick ass pair of knee high boots at the time, but you could not buy those at Boots). I explained what Boots exactly was: a drugstore (or as they call it there a chemist.) About a day later, he figured out that Boots was really called Boots the Chemist and did not sell boots.

About a week into my life in Scotland, I decided to fill out the little card and get a Boots Advantage Card. It made sense to me as I was going to there awhile and I seemed to be spending a lot of time in Boots. (Which is not that strange, as when I was state side I spent a lot of time in Walgreens.) I am not sure what it is about drug stores, but I love them. I hardly ever actually buy drugs at these drugs stores, but I tend to buy a lot of other things. So, this Advantage Card made total sense to me. By the time I left the country I had managed to get close to 50 or so more pounds on the card, and I managed to get a few nice things for "free." I think when I came home there was still roughly about 5 pounds on the card, which now lives in a scrap book.

Anyways, I left Scotland and came back home and moved back into, well, Target. I left Walgreens for Target in all honesty, but that is another story. Anyways, I did not hear a peep out of Boots until about a year later, when a friend of mine sent me an email in all caps proclaiming TARGET SOLD BOOTS PRODUCTS. Granted, none of the products were the ones I feel in love with (Their Tea Tree Oil line was adored by me and others), but it was still excited to walk down an isle in my local Target and see BOOTS prodcuts. Amazing really.

Then, about a few weeks ago...Boots began to send me emails. Seriously, emails. I was confused on where they had gotten my address. Then I remembered, I had forked over my old email address when I signed up for the card. However, why some four years later did they suddenly miss me? I figured it was a fluke, but the emails have been steadily flooding in since this break of silence. So, today, after getting an email telling me about a half off sale, I decided to write a post about this odd happening. And guess what? Due to the face that TARGET sells Boots now, they have a US WEBSITE! I was shocked beyond all known words as I stared at this. Now, granded they do not sell EVERYTHING that the UK Boots site does (No Tea Tree and Witch Hazel line here, nor FCUK either...tragic, I know), but it is a website to buy thier stuff. But, I do not think this has anything to do with the fact that I began to get emails. Nope. My emails are still all in British, and about British sales, so they still think I live in Scotland at a joint that is no longer a house. It is an office building now! But, it was still interesting.

Almost as interesting as the day my husband and I walked into Walmart here and they were putting up Christmas Trees. In October. Early October, when they should still be freaking out about Halloween. As I walked into find all these horridly ugly trees, I thought, "Oh, this is just like in Scotland! Sort of skip over Halloween in favor of Christmas!" And within a few days, I had a Boots email about their online Christmas sale.

Lovely.

The City that Has No People, Suddenly Has Many

I lived in St. Louis for about nine months. I worked in St. Louis for at least six of those nine months. I had an interview in downtown St. Louis during Christmastime. It was midday and there was NO ONE ON THE STREETS. It was totally creepy walking around the streets near Macy's and the street being void of people. It was something I was just unable to comprehend, being from Chicago, where during the week there are a TON of people on the streets and at Christmas time there is hardly room for people on the streets. Every time during those nine months we lived there, neither my husband nor I ever saw people on the streets, except during a baseball game. However, I guess there are quite a few people in St. Louis.

And I guess it is not the Christmas rush that brings the poeple out of hiding in St. Louis, but Barack Obama simply saying "Hey, just meet me in St. Louis, okay?" Who woulda thunk?

The Truth About Jess the Mess

When I was a senior in college, my last semester a took a class about dogs. It was an English class and we read books about dogs. I cannot remember the name of the class, but it was catchy because it was a Tom McBride class and I think he spent a lot of time naming his classes. The final paper for the class was to be about how we like dogs (and cats too) because they bring us closer to nature due to the fact we name them thus giving them agency.

In all honesty I was not all that into this class for various reasons, one simply being it was an English class and I had found out a few days into my first college English class that I hated English classes. I took the class for two reasons: 1) I needed another class to round out my schedule and 2) It was Tom McBride and I knew he'd let me into the class because he liked me (even if I thought for a long time he was freaked out by me because he found me one spring day my junior year murdering a paper with a pair of scissors). Anyways, on the last day of class, Tom McBride began talking (and talking) about how we humanize dogs (and cats too) because we name them, making them like us and thus bringing us closer to nature.

And the only thing I could think was: OMG! I totally made my computer humanized because I named it! My computer (who is named Jess) had agency because I named it. I have it a personality! I connected the the computer a deeper level because I gave it a name! However, as I laughed at this in my sleep deprived state on late May, I realized that Jess did not bring me closer to nature by giving it a name, which was why Tom McBride claimed we named dogs and kept them around. And, no matter how much social construction I give the computer, in the end he is still a computer no matter how much personality he displays to me (and my dad). I went on with the final paper babbling about how dogs and cats connect us to nature and tragically no matter how many electoric items I name, they will not bring me closer to nature.

This paper seemed a fitting end to my college career for various reasons. One, senior year was the year I began naming things left and right. I had always sworn objects (almost all objects) had some sort of personality. My first cell phone had a mind of its own, thus it was nicknmaed the Getto Phone (spelled wrong because that was how strange the phone was). It would claim I had text messages, when I was unable to recieve them. For days on end it would claim I had voice mail, when I never did. It would turn itself off, ring for no reason, and once for a whole week it just stopped working all together for no reason that was ever explained. Since I was a small child I talked to things that would not talk back. I have always spoken to the computer, the printer, the radio, the car. However, one day while trying to figure out why my laptop of a year was acting like a teenage, broody boy it hit me he was acting like the Jess character from Gilmore Girls. Thus, I just started calling him Jess. My dad started calling him Jess. My friends started calling him Jess. We all acted like Jess was a person, as I swear to god he can hear me.

I came across a few people in my days that do not believe that Jess has a personality. I have had many arguments with them that my electoric objects do have personalities and they just think I am nuts. I think maybe Tom McBride thought I was nuts while reading my final essay of my undergraduate career. It was about my computer. And dogs. I ended the paper with the suggestion that I maybe should get a dog or cat, as all Jess did was bring me frustration rather than joy, as a cat or dog would.

It is three years later. I still have Jess (he seems to behave better in his later years now and gotten over the fact he is a Dell computer with an Apple sticker over the Dell logo) and I do not have a dog, or cat. I did baby sit a dog this past weekend (or dog sit.) Thus, it got me to thinking about my computer essay.

the complication of chain link fences

For those of you who actually know me, you know that I am not a huge dog fan. Usually, I am borderline terrified of dogs. This is due mostly to their nature to jump on me and bark at the same time. I understand this is perfect dog-like behavior, but still. I do not enjoy it.

I never had an urge to own a dog. I never thought I would even entertain the idea.

Then...my husband went away for a month and I sat alone in an apartment for a month and suddenly, a dog seemed like a good idea.

I think I mentioned it to him once, and he told me I was crazy. You see, my husband is one of the few people I have come across that likes dogs, but he doesn't want one. He just wants to enjoy other people's dogs.

Thus, when I began thinking about dogs a lot after we got here (I have all ready named the dog several times), he always told me I was nuts and I did not want a dog. He would tell me all the things we could not do once we had a dog. This used to work. Now I just go off and find ways to prove him wrong. Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a dog in a town about two hours from Dirt Hole USA. I spent almost all day yesterday looking at the web site, always coming back to the dog she sent him. (She is on my side to obtain a dog, because she loves dogs and I think wishes to become a crazy dog lady.) As the day wore on and I kept saying and looking at dogs, my husband said, "Fine. You can get a dog IF YOU PUT THE FENCE IN."

He was silly enough to think this would deter me. I had all ready been plotting to put a fence in fora few days. So, I walked into the study and began to research putting in a fence. The neighbor hood we live in only allows chain link fences, so I looked at those. The only place in teh dirt hole that had the option of pricing them online was Home Depot. Now I do not know a lot about putting in a fence, and my husband who has built a numerous fences over his life time refused to help me, I had to figure out the price on my own. Using Home Depot prices, I figured about 200 dollars. My husband rolled his eyes.

Later, we were hanging out with our friends (one of which is the future crazy dog lady) and both of them had put in a fence (okay, one supervised, one did the hard work). They seemed to think I would not need much, could get it cheaper at this store that did not have a website and this could all be done.

"YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO ENCOURAGE HER!" my husband yelled.

He should have found someone else to try to diswade me, but not the people who enourged me by getting a dog who I now want.

I also think he failed to realize he had challenged me. It was almost like my mother telling me that if I got my ears pirced I would never wear earrings.

I always wear earrings.

i want give you caaaannndddeeee

So, today, I was tooling through Google News and came upon something that caught my eye: Hugh Hefner splits from Holly Madison. Now, one would think that this would have no barring on my being, yet it does. Tragic I know. I will let you in on a secret: I watch The Girls Next Door and I LIKE IT! OOH NO!!!!!!!!

Anyways, it seems things for Hef aren't going too good, as Kendra is always leaving him. You know, I do not know what he expects. These are all YOUNG GIRLS and he is a VERY OLD MAN.

Anyways, the show has always fascinated me because of what it is and at times I just do not understand. I am an addict of things that I do not understand (WHERE DID SARAH PALIN GET HER ACCENT?!) and Girls Next Door is one of those things I just do not truly understand, yet I cannot look away. It is like watching Passions. I could not understand it, yet I could not look away (until it left NBC for Direct TV or something...or went off the air?) However, I do understand that the show is about Hef's three live in girlfriends. And he just lost two of them. Evidently, Bridget is still around, but abraod...FILMING A SHOW FOR THE TRAVEL CHANNEL!!!!!!

Did I ever tell you that my dream is to be Samantha Brown? Well, it is. And now Bridget is a step closer to being like Samantha Brown because she got a show on the Travel Channel. I am sad.

However, shortly after finding that Bridget might beat me to my dreams of being on the Travel Channel, per a German website, I find out that all three girls have new boyfriends and thus this is why they are leaving Hef. Kendra is enganged?! I....I....I...don't understand!

But I digress, Hef isn't totally heart broken over the loss of two girlfriend (Holly being the "love of his life") as he has clearly moved onto something that is the sterotypical male wish: twins. At the same time. And from that picture on the right, they look like they are orange twins. (Someday, I would like someone to explain to me why people thing that this whole orange thing is atttractive.)

I just told my husband about Kendra and Holly and he asked, "Which one is the ghetto one?"
"Kendra?"
"She's leaving? She's the whoel show!"

pogo popping

I have not seen a pogo stick for years. were pogo sticks ruled dangerous by the over protective mothers of today and thus no longer available for kids to fall off of? I bet that is why I do not see pogo sticks.

In other news, tonight is the presidential debate (or town house meeting debate thing they have invented because McCain likes town hall meetings because he is old and watches too much Gilmore Girls). I will watch them, maybe doing something like I did last time. I don't know truly. We will have to see if I am able to stand.

I actually did a program this morning during my work out and I feel the pain, so my husband would be proud. He believes a good work out causes massive amounts of pain. Personally, I think he is INSANE, but that is why I love him.

In the days since the Veepee debates, I have learned they were a let down in the sense that Palin failed to make a complete idiot of herself. She just re-established she is a moron and refuses to listen and wants to do her own thing. As the Saturday Night Live Skit pointed out, she liked to say she was going to talk about something that had nothing to do with the question at hand. And yet, as The Daily Show pointed out last night, there were no gafs. Total tear.

In other news, there is no other news. The ecnomy is failing, people are panicing and I still live in a dirt hole. The end.

Extra Change for Drills

Ireland Scott, your typical 20 something American, sat down in front of her TV Thursday night and squealed, “Whooo! VP DEBATE!”

Crickets sound all around her.

“Okay, not all that exciting in reality, but seriously, I missed the debate with the actual presidents, so I MUST watch the VP debate,” said Ireland. “Plus, I must see for myself Sarah Palin and her stupid accent yap and flail about like the idiot she really is.”

Ireland settled into the couch and curled up to watch the excitement. Realizing she doesn’t like the new achers on ABC, she switched to CBS as the debate actually started.

“Who is Gwen Ifill? Am I supposed to know her? And how come her name was up for only like five seconds?” Ireland asked, however, she is distracted by what Gwen is saying. “Ooo, domestic matters. And foreign matters. I wonder if Palin will mention she can see Russia from her house. AWWW, the audience will remain polite. That is nice of them. Blah, blah, blah, it is okay to clap right NOW!”

And out walked Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.

“Can I call you Joe?” Palin asked with a huge smile.

“I don’t care what you call me, go back to Minnesota,” Joe said with an equally huge smile.

Looking confused, Pail corrects him. “I’m from Alaska.”

“I know that is what you claim,” Joe said dryly.

Palin, however, just shrugs her shoulders. “Well, whateveah. Should we debate something?”

“Yes, that is why I am here in St. Louis rather than in Delaware. With my family. Who all have somewhat normal names,” Joe said, walking across the stage to his podium.

“Oh, how adorable. Should we talk about the bail out plan?”

Joe stared at Palin, who has followed him over to his podium. “Sure. Go to your own podium and then let’s go.”

“I am a Washington outsider,” Palin said and walked across the stage to the other podium. “I don’t know how things work, so you start about how much it sucked, I mean, what it was, and I will read these massive amount of notes someone gave me.”

Joe turned to face front and looked right at the camera and started with, “I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will not answer the question until the last moment. I will waffle on, and blame Bush Boy for the failures of the nation. Republicans suck. Wall Street is a bunch of wild pigs running all over mucking up New York City. However comma, OBAMA WILL TOTALLY SAVE US ALL FROM THE WILD PIGS AND THE REPUBLICANS! I will go find Harry Potter (aka OBAMA) and he will kill Voldermort again (the CEOS) and Potter will save the world! Wait, what was the question? Oh, yeah, OBAMA is Harry Potter. So, vote for Potter!”

The people of St. Louis who are sitting in front of Joe all look at one another and asked, “Harry Potter? Really? Where is Harry Potter? Isn’t Harry Potter busy being naked on stage somewhere?"

Palin suddenly realized that Joe had stopped talking and it was her turn. She decided to follow Joe’s lead and thank people for allowing her to talk. “I totally also thank you for allowing me to talk again and annoy you with my voice. Oh yeah, totally go to your kid’s soccer game and I betcha you will find a fear of Harry Potter. I mean, the stock market. Harry Potter wouldn’t be at your kid’s soccer game! He’s busy being naked. We do not need no Harry Potter to save us! We all fear about going to college and keeping jobs. Our economy is totally hurting, you betcha, but it is not the Republicans fault. John McCain is totally going to reform. He is a maverick (don’t ask me to define that). He sounded that stupid bell and no one listened to him because he was kicked out of the Bush club. Just ignore the fact that he is back in the club and VOTE FOR ME! I mean, uh, McCain. VOTR MCCAIN!”

Joe jumped up and down for a moment trying to regain people’s attention. He said, “I deal with controversial issues. I have no idea what I am talking about half the time, but at least I do not sound like I was a miss placed person who sounds like they are Minnesota. I have 35 years of training to sound like I know what I am talking about. Watch: Something about sidelines….something about the economy…”

Palin rolled her eyes and smiled. “When John McCain said the economy was strong, he was totally talking about the people, not the actual economy. Our American workers are STRONG! They will save us! Well, if not, that 700 billion dollars will save us. We are reformers! We are marvericks! Even if I do not know what that means…Obama only votes along his party lines. He is…Harry Potter. What does he know about actually leading? He has a hero complex. We are tired of old politics,” Palin said. She dropped her voice to a whispered, “That guy Joe is old.”

People of St. Louis all looked at one another again and asked, “Uh, did you even answer that question you posed about the bail out bill? And really, we know that Obama isn’t Harry Potter. And maybe we need a hero to save us from greedy investors.”

Ireland’s husband, meanwhile was in the kitchen making himself dinner after a hard day of work. He yelled loudly, “KILL THEM! GREEDY INVESTORS!”

Palin realized she was about to loose the audience so she cried, “There was deception on Wall Street!”

Ireland husband meanwhile ran from the kitchen and yelled, “IT WAS NOT DECEPTION!”

Palin was still desperately trying to get the audience back on her side, she tossed out some cute catch phrases for the silly Americans.

“Let’s commit to Joe six pack! Hockey mom’s…demand strict oversight. My bangs are too long. They keep getting in my eyes,” Palin blows her hair out of her eyes and went on. “And don’t live outside your means. It’s not your fault the economy is hurtn’ like it is, but you know, it is really your fault. You should know what you can and cannot afford. But is not your fault that banks are greedy. You should have known that though.”

Something clicked in Joe’s head as Palin was speaking. So, he begins right after Palin finallys shuts up.

“OBAMA knew this was going to happen. He can see the future,” Joe said, while thinking that Palin can too, but she failed to realize this. She can see Russia from her house! Russia is in the future, thank you to the international date line. Palin can see tomorrow! “But no one listened to him, and the wild pigs ran wild and the Republicans deregulated Wall Street and the wild pigs ran wild and totally ran over OBAMA. But he survived! Because he is Harry Potter, the kids who just won’t die! Ask Voldermort.”

Meanwhile, back at Chez Scott, Ireland’s husband stated, “I hate the split screen. She can’t pick her nose if she needs to.”

“Why would she have to pick her nose” Ireland asked.

“Or at least get her hair out of her eyes. It keeps moving as she talks and its distracting,” Ireland husband said, following after the hair.

Now, in St. Louis, Joe and Palin are still debating one another.

“I am now talking about gas and another guy named Joey,” Joe said. “I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but it is important. Oh yea! No one has money to fill their gas tanks. CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE!”

“ I think I wanna talk about taxes right now,” Palin said, looking at her note cards. “I don’t seem to have a note card about gas. So I will talk about taxes. I am not sure what the question is, but I’m going to talk about taxes. Barack did not side with the people and he created HUGE TAXES 94 times. Tax relief will CREAT JOBS!”

Back in the dirt hole, Ireland is confused. She asked, “What I do not understand how tax relief creates jobs? Where are we going to get money in order to run the country if there is no money?”

However, Palin is not listening and yelled, “Tax raises loose jobs!”

“That is totally not true!” Joe exclaimed. “Plus, OBAMA and McCain voted the same way on what you are talking about, you dolt. I know you want to pick your nose. Stop looking at the desk. I rule.”

“NO you are wrong,” Palin announced. “I am going to start talking about myself and plug myself. I am a wonderful person and I totally gave tax breaks to my people as governor. Alaska has so much money we pay people to live there! I am wonderful and I have experience and I can run this country…”

Buzzer goes off somewhere.

“SHUT UP!” Ireland shouted. “You’re out of time! Ha ha! We will still be talking about taxes. I am not sure what is going on, as I am busy typing this. At least the split screen went away.”

“I like being fair. The middle class is having major issues,” said Joe. “Emotional, financial, and educational. They cannot pay their bills. That stupid tax breaks you talk about, well, no one was aided. Under OBAMA everything will be better. There will be CHANGE! CHANGE! THERE WILL BE CHANGE!”

Ireland suddenly remembered something. “Simple fairness…basically Joe is totally all for the middle class. Which makes sense, as he is middle class. I am serious. He and his wife together only made a little more than my dad. The wealthy will not be getting tax cuts. Bush gave the rich people tax cuts. He totally gave rich people tax breaks. Ask Bill Clinton, who is now rich. Or maybe not any more…I don’t know.”

Palin finds a note card and exclaims, “Dude, the rich people tax bracket also includes the small businesses.”

Joe just smiled.

“I live in middle America!” Palin announced.

People of St. Louis all look confused. “Huh? Don’t you live in Alaska? How is that in middle America? You are in Middle American right now, and you are very far from Alaska.”

Palin ignored them and went on with, “Lower taxes will allow us to grow and prosper. Barack only wants to spend money. HEALTH CARE! I like health care. Barack is okay about health care. But McCain is better. He will give tax credits, while Barack is totally going to take over health care. Something about a tax break for a 5000 dollar plan or something.”

Ireland’s husband tossed something at the TV and said, “That won’t help people who don’t’ even make 5000 dollars. Idiot.”

Palin ducked away from the item tossed and said in a pleading voice, “I am reading my notes. Yeah, I’m talking to you guy in flight suit.”

Ireland’s husband looks totally freaked out. Joe meanwhile, uses this silence from Palin to jump to his next point.

“I don’t know where to start. I am from the east coast and I do not want to give the oil companies another tax break. I WANT TO TAX THEM TO DEATH!” Joe exclaims. “And those small business wouldn’t get increases. They are not RICH AMERICANS. They are middle class mostly. Unless they happen to be Bill Gates. John McCain’s health care plane, taxes you if you have a health care benefits through your company to give you the 5000. That money goes straight goes to the insurance companies, and you will NEVER SEE IT UNLESS SOMETHINGH HORRID HAPPENS TO YOU. THAT IS TOTAL RIP OFF. Twenty million of you will be dropped from your plans through work because of this crappy plan McCain planned out with the insurance companies to fleece America. If elected, this plan will be on that special called THE FLEECING OF AMERICA. This SUCKS. Totally the ultimate bridge to nowhere.”

Sarah Palin laughed. The world laughed loudler. Ireland’s husband has had enough and announced, “I want to watch Futurerama. How was yoga? Are you in pain?”

“I am TALKING ABOUT MONEY IRELAND! LISTEN TO ME!” Joe yelled.

Ireland ignored Joe yelling at her and said to her husband. “I am fine. Yoga was okay. Go into the bedroom to watch Futurerama.”

“LISETN TO MEEEEEEEEEE!” Joe pleaded. “I am not talking about education! I read that book about the world is flat, and we need to learn stuff to compete in the world market! Health care is important! Look at the British! They have a good health care plan. Oh no, light is blinking. 100 billion tax dodge, which allows people to avoid taxes by taking their mail box off shores. THEY DO NOT PAY TAXES! THEY AREN’T AMERICAN PROUDLY!”

Palin smiled and announced, “McCain rules. He straight talks. Not in a circle. He is wonderful. I will talk about our energy plan. Obama voted for the oil company tax breaks. I had to take on the oil companies in Alaska and stand up to them. I HAD TO TELL THEM TO GET LOST! (but not really, because I neeeed their money to pay my citizens to stay in Alaska.) But they are not my biggest fans because I totally broke up a monopoly with my HOCKEY STICK AND LIPSTICK! I rule. Vote for me! I mean, McCain! Barack Obama sucks and he made my life hard. I had to undo them. I have only been at this five weeks, but I will do what is right for the American people. I will slaughter the wild pigs and save America! I will wear a super hero suit!”

“Huh?” Joe asked, looking at Palin, who’s hair is even more in her eyes after her impassioned speech.

“I am SUPER HERO GIRL!” Palin yelled quiet desperately.

“Whatever,” Joe said. Palin seemed to get a hold of herself and patted her hair down while Joe went on. “OBAMA wanted to eliminate the oil company tax breaks. McCain is wishes to give the oil companies tax breaks. I want to give Americans 1000. McCain doesn’t support windfall taxes or something. He wants to give the oil companies money. Mostly because he needs more money to support his wife’s face.”

Palin gives Joe a blank look, as she does not have a note card about McCain’s wife’s face.

“I dunno,” Joe said with a shrug.

“Economy! Changes! I want to talk about change! CHANGE!” Palin shouted. “Wall Street is greedy. John McCain wanted to reform Wall Street. He wanted to save the world two years ago! NO one wanted to help. McCain tried to warn the whole world about the crash of the economy. I cannot speak proper English in this odd ball accent I have, but that is okay. At least I do not make up words like Bush do. I grew up on Main Street and Middle America.”

“You are from Alaska, that is not Middle America,” Joe reminded Palin. “I’m going to talk about bankruptcy. OBAMA and I do not always agree, but we still like one another. It is all good. McCain was totally surprised by the mortgage crisis. He had no idea it would happen. Why? HE IS A REPUBLICAN! OH NO! RUN!”

Palin looks alarmed and confused. “Run?”

“I believe John McCain and the governor do not support certain things I like,” Joe stated.

“YOU LIE! But I do not have enough time to tell you why, so I will just talk about myself again and energy,” Palin said, changing the subject. “WE totally have to allow the nation to become energy independent. WE are giving away too much money to places who HATE US.”

Ireland rolled her eyes. “And why do they hate us? Oh, wait, its because WE SUCK AND WE ATTACK THEM!”

“National security! Energy plans! Who care about tax breaks! Heck! I love this country!” Palin exclaimed.

People of St. Louis look confused again and ask, “Climate Change? True? False? Debated? What causes it?”

Palin stood up taller and said, “I am from Alaska. There is snow there and we totally see change. But, man didn’t cause it. IT happens. Duh, I mean, man sorta helped, but it was GOD. I don’t really want to talk about that. I want to talk about what will be done to clean up the planet! It will be a totally international thing. And more about me, I am totally for this, as I was the first person to set up a SAVE THE PLANET thingy in my cabinet as Governor of Middle America. Alternative source, stop driving SUVS! Unless you are a hockey mom, then you sort of half to…you know to be able to drive all that stuff around.”

Joe rolled his eyes. He said, “Climate change is man made. I know this. She doesn’t understand the cause. Thus, she will not have a good solution. I know what caused it: MAN! WE are greedy oil eaters and are killing the earth. 20 times, McCain voted AGAINST alternative energy. He only likes it now because its totally in vogue. Obama was always for this stuff before it became the totally in fashion thing to do. Obama is great. OBAMA! LOVE HIM! CHANGE! Create jobs! McCain kills jobs. HE wants to drill, drill, drill, drill. Ten years, we wont’ have oil and we will have issues.”

People of St. Louis still look confused. “Caps on emissions. What the hell is going on?”

Palin suddenly remembered something. She exclaimed quite happily, “Drill baby drill! People want us to drill. Duh. We must totally destroy our country to get the oil. And, well, we’ll do some more “green” things, but DRILL BABY DRILL! OBAMA SUCKS! He doesn’t want to drill. He sucks. You think that drilling is rapping.”

Ireland’s husband wondered back into the room and asked, “Do we have any apple sauce? I want to outsmart people. Out running them doesn’t work. This will work. I think it should work!”

People of St. Louis yelled, “OH NO! Out if time!”

“YOU WERN’T LISTENING,” Joe yelled at Ireland. “But that is okay. I like civil rights for people who are in solid, committed relationships no matter what persuasion they are. We are all the same.”

Ireland’s husband started making a lot of noise in the kitchen and said, “You can have cake now. But you have to walk in here to get it.”

Ireland exclaimed, “WHOO HOO!”

Palin fails to realized that Ireland has left the room and went on with, “I hate gays, but I am tolerant, but unwilling to redefine marriages and stuff like that. Straight up, America, we cannot redefine marriage. It’s a man and woman thing. I’m totally traditional.”

“Well, I do not want redefine marriage. I just want to give them rights,” Joe stated.

Palin nodded her head a few times and said, “Rights are cool. I am tolerant. I have gay friends. So, yeah, I guess if they are really committed those people can have similar rights to married women and men. Who are married to each other.”

“That is what I said,” Joe reminded her.

Palin looks confused. “I think I am confused. Did we just agree?”

Joe now looks alarmed. “Uh, yeah, we did.”

“I am scared. Let’s talk about Iraq. We wont’ agree there,” Palin suggested.

“Sure,” Joe said.

Palin went through her note cards and pulled out one and said, “I want to get out in a way, but I’m going to talk about a guy who hasn’t been charge in four years in Iraq. Mostly because I have his name written down.”

“You should watch South Park. Its funny,” Ireland’s husband yelled from the bedroom.

Palin realized that South Park might be better than her so she yelled, “Obama flip flopped! I have a plan for withdrawal. We cannot loose there, we must fight terrorism. We must win in Iraq!”

Joe got a knowing look on his face and said, “I think we did win. Didn’t Bush proclaim victory awhile ago?”

Palin flapped her hand at him and said, “Blah, blah, blah. American will win! WE MUST WIN!”

Palin pounded her fist on the podium a few times for effect. Joe raised an eyebrow and gave her a dry smile.

“Was there a plan in there?” he asked. “I don’t think so. OBAMA has a plan. John McCain voted the same way Obama did about the whole funding. That was the time line bill. He did not want a time line. I guess Obama didn’t either, but that is not the point. WE NEED A PLAN! Obama has a plan. He’s got CHANGE on his side!”

Sarah Palin fell asleep during Joe’s speech. He did not look very happy about that and yelled, “WAKE UP!”

Palin jerked awake and cried, “Oh! Your plan sucks. It’s like a white flag saying we give up. WE CANNOT GIVE UP! WE MUST WIN! And that will not happen till the Iraq people do what we want, and they seem to be having issues doing that. But we are getting closer.”

“Sure,” Joe said slowly, looking at her like she had lost her mind, which she did, but no one knows exactly when.

“You said Obama wasn’t ready to lead and you wanted to fund them. Obama is a total story teller. Ha!” Palin shouted, thinking she’d gotten the upper hand on Joe.

“John McCain supported the bill against to protect MY SON!” Joe yelled, looking very angry. Sarah shrunk back. “HE did not like the timeline. He hated the timeline. Dick Chaney is an idiot. No one listens to me ever, which is a total surprise to me as I do not know what I am doing him. McCain is dead wrong on fundamental issues. Obama has been pretty damn right. Plus, CHANGE! McCain failed to read history books. This will cause him to repeat history like another Republican who can’t read….I think we know who I am talking about. Nucelar weapons are bad. We got to do something.”

Not really having a note card to tell her what to do, Palin yelled, “Iraq!”

“NO! Al-Quada is everywhere!” Joe reminded her. “They are in places that are sort of unstable places. We need support democracy and stop worrying about Iraq so much. They are busy hating one another. Bin Ladin lives in Pakistan.”

Palin looked very serious and said, “Oh, Pakistan is trouble. And the war on terror is in Iraq. Some military dude and the leader of Al-Quada said that. So we must trust them, not the facts. Iran is trouble. BOMB IRAN! Bobbbb bobbb Iran!”

Joe looked rather freaked out and confused for a moment and asked, “Are you singing? Do you even know what you are talking about? The leader of Al-Quada wouldn’t tell us where they are based! They are terrorist! They want to freak us out!”

“Obama wants to meet with these evil people,” Palin said.

Joe looked outraged for a moment. “To talk to them! You know, without guns.”

Palin shuffled through some note cards and then proclaimed, “I talked to Henry Kissenger."

Ireland’s husband was wandering by and asked, “Is he still alive?”

Palin looked bewildered for a moment then shouted, “People hate America. They do not respect Americans and women rights!”

“Who?” Joe asked.

“The bad guys. Duh. Diplomacy is hard work,” said Palin, looking tired. “You got to have friends and people to back you up before you go talk to evil people.”

“God you’re stupid,” Joe commented. “We have no friends. The few we have are telling us to sit down and talk, but the guy who can’t read won’t sit down and talk because he doesn’t know how to talk. Our Allies hate us, for the most part. John McCain won’t even sit down with the government of SPAIN! What the hell did Spain do to him?”

Palin looked like a deer caught in headlights. “He hates Spanish people? I do not know. He never tells me anything.”

Joe nodded his head, seemingly understanding even more than before, “No wonder you never know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah,” Palin said nodding. “Wait! Israel is our strongest ally in the middle east. We won’t allow a second holocaust. We will protect them at all cost. I look forward to visiting the peaceful nation of Israel. America, it’s gotta commit to this.”

“Huh?” Joe asked, not aware they had changed subjects. “I think I will talk in third person and Joe Biden am a total friend of Israel. I am not sure how we got on this topic, but Bush sucks and he has failed at being a friend of Israel. For some odd reason, we seem to think we control the elections of other countries. I am not sure how this works, but Obama and Joe Biden have always been right. France is going to die because Bush did not listen to us. He failed. HA HA HA HE FAILED. Iran is trouble. They are stretching…something. Sorry, I lost my train of thought.”

“ I like the fact we both love Israel,” Palin proclaimed. “I don’t want to look backwards because I know our party sucks. I am sorry to tell you that, but you are all about CHANGE, how can you keep looking backwards? I am change. Look at me! I wear skirts! And cute shoes. I am a fashion icon. What was I talking about? Mavericks! I am one, John is one. Change is comin’.”

“Past is important. We have to look to the past in order to learn from history,” Joe reminded her. “John McCain is George Bush. He is the SAME! Only I think he can read. I haven’t heard of any differences between the two. And IT SUCKS. It is not CHANGE! WE have lost our respect. WE MUST GET IT BACK!”

“Whatever,” Palin said with a flick of hair. “Nuclear weapons! They sucks. We cannot use it. Plus, we gotta stop people from getting weapons. WE should attack those who have them with ours? Wait, did I say that? No, uh, we need to put economic sanctions on them, even though our economy sucks. Can I talk about Afghanistan? WE rock there. We are not like Bush. WE are totally different. Obama claims we are being evil in Afghanistan. That is not true. We are fighting terrorism and building schools. Just like that dude Tom Hanks played in that movie wanted.”

Joe decided to ignore Palin. “Facts matter. The General who is there right now, said our current ways will not in Afghanistan. Basically he said we suck and we need to spend more money in this place establishing government. We waste money in Iraq. It’d take seven years to spend as much money as we do in three weeks in Iraq. John McCain sucks. Remember that. He does not have a super hero suit, he sucks. He cancelled on Letterman. HE doesn’t support….oops, I ran out of time. Obama rules. He is friendly. He knows to keep nuclear weapons out of terrorist hands. He rules. Trust me. I know, I am Joe Biden and I talk in third person.”

“Dude, you are wrong. The surge principle would totally work,” Palin said. “But even if it doesn’t, we have friends there! We are not waging a war all alone there. We are building schools. You can’t build schools in Iraq.”

“Dude, where the hell do you get your information?” Joe asked.

Palin held up her pile of note cards. “These note cards.”

Joe rolled his eyes. “Oi. McCain seems to think we won in Afghanistan. Sort of like Bush thinks we won in Iraq. I have an intervention list. I want to intervene in places where those Hollywood people go. WE will WIN! I want to save the world! Because, guess what? I AM A SUPER HERO!”

Palin put her hands on her hips. “You are not. Where is your super suit?”

Joe motioned to his suit and said, “This is my super suit! Bush lied to me, by the way. I gave him the power to go to war, because he claimed he needed the power because NATO was having issues and he needed to keep economic sanctions. HE JUST WANTED TO GO GET SADDAM! And screw up a bunch of young kids. Dafur is a major issues. SAVE THE WORLD!”

Palin looked happy and said, “I thought it was, Save the cheerleader, save the world? I am a Washington outsider. I don’t understand it at all. Americans want the straight talk. They don’t want flip floppers. You don’t even really like Obama. You don’t agree with him. I watched the debates on that stuff back in Middle America Alaska. I will talk more about myself and Alaska and how wonderful I am ruling over Alaska. When I found out we were invested in evil nations, I pulled the money out and I am wonderful. I will end YOU!”

“Okay, you can’t call me Joe any more,” Joe said, looking unhappy.

Palin asked, “Huh?”

“We need to follow rules about genocide. Nations would intervene and not do nothing about it. It is horrible. If you won’t intervene, you forget your right. Let’s go back to the war thing. I don’t agree with McCain. HE SUCKS. But I still love him, do not worry. We are going to be stuck in Iraq forever because McCain was delusional because he agreed with Cheney about how it was going to be short. And we all know Bush can’t read,” said Joe.

Palin shuffled her cards and said, “I disagree. You hate Obama. I totally know it. You’re just trying to get elected, as I am, but who cares. I am not very bright and am using this odd accent. McCain rules. Trust me. I know these things. HE learns from mistakes and blunders, even if he picked me when I decided to go Hollywood. McCain knows how to win a war.”

Joe narrowed his eyes and said, “No he doesn’t. He’s not a general.”

People of St. Louis all roll their eyes and said, “Okay, you guys disagree. And what would happen if the president dies?”

Joe stood up tall and announced, “I would carry out Obama’s plans to the tee. Everything would be wonderful while the country morns our beloved leader. I would also be sad. But I would prevail and carry on and become the new Harry Potter by rejected the Bush Doctrine. We will cooperate with the world! They will love us again! This is an important election, the most since 1932, even though no one really knows what happened then!”

“Were you alive in 1932? I bet you were,” Palin announced. Joe rolled his eyes. “We are a team of mavericks, thus we don’t agree. I will do my own thing and keep my opinion and I will make good policies. I would continue his good work, by putting the government in the hands of the PEOPLE! The people of MAIN STREET AND MIDDLE AMERICA! Working class all the way! I’m all for the people!”

“Huh?” Joe asked.

Palin looked around for a moment and then shouted, “I like people! Especially the middle class ones. I like those best.”

“You are not for the little people. You like the rich folks,” Joe said, and turned to face the camera. “I like the little people. I eat with them, I socialize with them. I am one of them. This is why I talk in third person. My hood gets it and knows they got the shaft. I don’t know what middle class you are from, but not mine.”

Palin looked shocked and said, “Say it ain’t so Joe! (she really said that!) You went backwards again! I will throw some more cute catch phrases and I will talk really fast about education and in run on sentences about education really fast to get it over with quickly. Teachers need more money, I am from a house full of school teachers, we are all teachers, except me as I wanted to be a television anchor until I accidently tripped into politics. NO Child Left behind does suck, it failed, just like so many people said it would, but whatever. My kids go to public school! Aren’t I cool! Yay Education!”

And everyone gets extra credit. No idea why.

“We all know what the vp does. They do nothing!” Palin exclaimed happily.

Joe looked tired and said, “They do not. They preside over the senate.”

“Oh yeah. So I have a lot of power. Yay me!” Palin said, waving her hands around.

Joe hid his face behind his hands.

Palin went through her note cards again and said, “I want to work with children with special needs, as Trig is a special needs child and not because his name is Trig.”

Joe lifted up his head and said, “No child left behind was underfunded, hence why we left a bunch of kids behind. We suck.”

Suddenly, from the kitchen, Ireland’s husband yelled, “DID YOU EAT THE JAVA CHIP ICE CREAM AND CAKE TODAY?”

“No. I just ate the cake you gave me,” Ireland said.

“You did not. Where did all the Java Chip go?” Ireland’s husband asked.

“Uhh…I lost track of the debate,” Ireland said.

“That is okay, Ireland. You did not miss much,” Joe said, then went on. “I have a rep. I look forward to playing with OBAMA and brining in CHANGE! I LIKE CHANGE.”

Palin still looked like a kid in a candy store as she said, “I will have a ton more power as vp. Like Cheney. I will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

Joe smirked and said, “By staring at Russia from your back yard.”

Palin looked at Joe like he was finally crazy and said, “Duh. I’m going to be a flexible vp. I rock. I wear lipstick. And I have really cute shoes.”

Joe looked embarrassed to be standing in the same room as Palin. Palin shuffled through her trusty cards and announced, “I owned my own business!”

Joe lifted up his head and said, “Great. Cheney is dangerous. He’s totally running the country. He failed totally. He failed to understand the constitution. HE SUCKS HE IS EVIL! He ruled Bush. He had no authority to do anything he’s really done. He controls the nation. I am scared of him in all honesty. He seemed to think he has power. He has run the country into the ground. HE SUCKS. I AM FOR CHANGE!”

Palin looked high and mighty for a moment and asked, “Then, well, wouldn’t you be for a different type of vp?”

“No.”

That answer threw Palin so she said, “I am governor of a huge state.”

“With like ten people in it,” Ireland’s husband comments as he walked back to watch the rest of South Park.

“There are more people in than ten, Mr. Flight Suit,” Palin shouted. “I have a connection to the heart land of American, because I have lots of kids and am governor of a big ass state. Also, I didn’t have health care for awhile and am worried about paying for college! I am just like you! Isn’t that just the bees knees?”

“What the hell are you talking about? Ireland wasn’t paying attention to you anymore because you annoy her to no end,” Joe told Palin.

“Oh, I don’t know. I am talking about myself again,” Palin admitted.

“I have no discipline evidently, but that is okay,” Joe said. “I am old. I won’t change, I have never changed, but I am ALL FOR CHANGE! I wrote a crime bill to make this country saver. I understand what is like to be a single parent. I was one! I know what life is like for Americans. I am better off now, I have a house, but at one point I really sucked at life. Thus, I totally get it. Just like she does. People want help. They are not looking for more of the same.”

“They are looking for CHANGE!” Palin shouted, thrusting her fist in the air. “He’s a maverick. I mean, McCain is a maverick, not Joe there. I am going to talk about myself more now. I appointed my friends, but let’s not talk about that.”

Joe looked mystified. “Are you serious?”

“I am diverse. WE are all diverse and McCain will lead us to victory! We gotta win the wars! WE gotta get the economy back to what it was when…uh, that other guy was in charge. McCain is for CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!” Palin exclaimed.

“You know you should not take my tag line,” Joe commented. “I love John, but he sucks. He is not a maverick. That is just his stupid catch phrase like CHANGE is mine! HE doesn’t want to give anyone health care. He sucks. He hates education. He hasn’t been a maverick on anything that effects what MIDDLE AMERICAN is talking about. He is old and totally out of touch. I might be old, but I’m not that out of touch. I talk to Obama.”

Palin looked really tired for a moment and asked, “Are we done yet?”

People of St. Louis roll their eyes and said, “Yeah, you’re almost done with your ONLY DEBATE of this election. Oh, we remember when there were a TON of debates.”

Joe looked throughful for a moment and said, “I was a lawyer once. This somehow ties into judges. And CHANGE. Ideology is important in judges. That is why I hate Bush and his trying to CHANGE the Supreme Court. IT matters what the philosophy of this…I changed some how. I am not sure what this means and I think I am babbling.”

Palin looked alarmed for a moment, realizing she had to talk, so she said, “I voted for things I did not agree with to progress CHANGE! I failed at the support thing, but I’m still all good. I rule. In middle America Alaska. I am talking about myself again. La la la, I will bring myself to Washington and McCain will get the job done.”

“What job?” Joe challenged.

“Oh, any job,” Palin said with a flap of her hand.

“Okay…I’m going to talk about myself. I am totally able to talk people into things and change things. I question things and I get respect. I rock. Remember that, I rock and so does Obama because we LIKE CHANGE!” Joe exclaimed and punched the air.

“No, I rock. I appoint anyone. I walk the walk and I don’t just talk the talk. I am diverse. I think I might know a democrat or something. VOTE FOR ME! VOTE FOR ME!” Palin said, jumping up and down.

Joe looked embarrassed again and reminded her, “They can’t vote for you.”

Palin looked embarrassed. She said, “VOTE MCCAIN!”

“There you go,” Joe said to her like she was a three year old.

“Don’t kill jobs! Don’t increase taxes! That will KILL JOBS!” Palin announced.

Ireland looked confused and asked, “Huh?”

Palin ignored Ireland and smiled graciously at the camera and said, “Thank you for having me here. I liked meeting you and debating. I like answering the questions without the media. I like talking to the American people. McCain rules, Obama drools. Yay! Middle class, I was once one! I am totally proud to be an American! YAY! Fight for your right to parrrrtay!”

“You mean, freedom, not party,” Joe suggested.

“Yeah, yeah. We are fighting. And McCain was a war hero! HE spent five years in a box! And he’s a fighter pilot,” Palin went on.

Ireland’s husband walked into the room and said, “Jerk.”

Palin looked affronted and said, “He’s not a jerk!”

“I liked meeting you by the way,” Joe said, trying to get back on track. “You do smell good, but, we are in a total hell hole in this country and we need CHANGE in EVERYTHING and Obama will totally change this. He is Obama, the Harry Potter of the Political world. He will save us all from Voldermort and the wild pigs. Remember that. WE will still fight for your rights and freedom, but we will also fight for education, health care and respect. I will now talk about my hood and how middle class I am. Obama is also middle class. He rocks. CHANGE! CHANGE! GET UP AND CHANGE! God bless us all! Protect our troops!”

People of St Louis looked relieved and said, “The end. Thank you to St. Louis. Please come back and see some more presidential debates with some other guys only one of which I have heard of at various other locations around the country that are not St. Louis. Please remain out of East St. Louis unless you are looking for a thug dog.”

Ireland sits for a moment before she told her husband, “Well, that was a let down. Palin didn’t totally embarrass herself. Palin didn’t speak in proper English. And what the hell is a Joe Six Pack? She still annoys me to no end. Palin had issues answering the question. I think she had written answers.”

“More than likely,” Ireland’s husband agreeed.