Ireland Scott, your typical 20 something American, sat down in front of her TV Thursday night and squealed, “Whooo! VP DEBATE!”
Crickets sound all around her.
“Okay, not all that exciting in reality, but seriously, I missed the debate with the actual presidents, so I MUST watch the VP debate,” said
“Who is Gwen Ifill? Am I supposed to know her? And how come her name was up for only like five seconds?”
And out walked Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.
“Can I call you Joe?” Palin asked with a huge smile.
“I don’t care what you call me, go back to
Looking confused, Pail corrects him. “I’m from
“I know that is what you claim,” Joe said dryly.
Palin, however, just shrugs her shoulders. “Well, whateveah. Should we debate something?”
“Yes, that is why I am here in
“Oh, how adorable. Should we talk about the bail out plan?”
Joe stared at Palin, who has followed him over to his podium. “Sure. Go to your own podium and then let’s go.”
“I am a
Joe turned to face front and looked right at the camera and started with, “I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will not answer the question until the last moment. I will waffle on, and blame Bush Boy for the failures of the nation. Republicans suck. Wall Street is a bunch of wild pigs running all over mucking up
The people of
Palin suddenly realized that Joe had stopped talking and it was her turn. She decided to follow Joe’s lead and thank people for allowing her to talk. “I totally also thank you for allowing me to talk again and annoy you with my voice. Oh yeah, totally go to your kid’s soccer game and I betcha you will find a fear of Harry Potter. I mean, the stock market. Harry Potter wouldn’t be at your kid’s soccer game! He’s busy being naked. We do not need no Harry Potter to save us! We all fear about going to college and keeping jobs. Our economy is totally hurting, you betcha, but it is not the Republicans fault. John McCain is totally going to reform. He is a maverick (don’t ask me to define that). He sounded that stupid bell and no one listened to him because he was kicked out of the Bush club. Just ignore the fact that he is back in the club and VOTE FOR ME! I mean, uh, McCain. VOTR MCCAIN!”
Joe jumped up and down for a moment trying to regain people’s attention. He said, “I deal with controversial issues. I have no idea what I am talking about half the time, but at least I do not sound like I was a miss placed person who sounds like they are
Palin rolled her eyes and smiled. “When John McCain said the economy was strong, he was totally talking about the people, not the actual economy. Our American workers are STRONG! They will save us! Well, if not, that 700 billion dollars will save us. We are reformers! We are marvericks! Even if I do not know what that 
means…Obama only votes along his party lines. He is…Harry Potter. What does he know about actually leading? He has a hero complex. We are tired of old politics,” Palin said. She dropped her voice to a whispered, “That guy Joe is old.”
People of
Palin realized she was about to loose the audience so she cried, “There was deception on Wall Street!”
Palin was still desperately trying to get the audience back on her side, she tossed out some cute catch phrases for the silly Americans.
“Let’s commit to Joe six pack! Hockey mom’s…demand strict oversight. My bangs are too long. They keep getting in my eyes,” Palin blows her hair out of her eyes and went on. “And don’t live outside your means. It’s not your fault the economy is hurtn’ like it is, but you know, it is really your fault. You should know what you can and cannot afford. But is not your fault that banks are greedy. You should have known that though.”
Something clicked in Joe’s head as Palin was speaking. So, he begins right after Palin finallys shuts up.
“OBAMA knew this was going to happen. He can see the future,” Joe said, while thinking that Palin can too, but she failed to realize this. She can see
Meanwhile, back at Chez Scott,
“Why would she have to pick her nose”
“Or at least get her hair out of her eyes. It keeps moving as she talks and its distracting,”
Now, in
“I am now talking about gas and another guy named Joey,” Joe said. “I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but it is important. Oh yea! No one has money to fill their gas tanks. CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE!”
“ I think I wanna talk about taxes right now,” Palin said, looking at her note cards. “I don’t seem to have a note card about gas. So I will talk about taxes. I am not sure what the question is, but I’m going to talk about taxes. Barack did not side with the people and he created HUGE TAXES 94 times. Tax relief will CREAT JOBS!”
Back in the dirt hole,
However, Palin is not listening and yelled, “Tax raises loose jobs!”
“That is totally not true!” Joe exclaimed. “Plus, OBAMA and McCain voted the same way on what you are talking about, you dolt. I know you want to pick your nose. Stop looking at the desk. I rule.”
“NO you are wrong,” Palin announced. “I am going to start talking about myself and plug myself. I am a wonderful person and I totally gave tax breaks to my people as governor.
Buzzer goes off somewhere.
“SHUT UP!”
“I like being fair. The middle class is having major issues,” said Joe. “Emotional, financial, and educational. They cannot pay their bills. That stupid tax breaks you talk about, well, no one was aided. Under OBAMA everything will be better. There will be CHANGE! CHANGE! THERE WILL BE CHANGE!”
Palin finds a note card and exclaims, “Dude, the rich people tax bracket also includes the small businesses.”
Joe just smiled.
“I live in
People of
Palin ignored them and went on with, “Lower taxes will allow us to grow and prosper. Barack only wants to spend money. HEALTH CARE! I like health care. Barack is okay about health care. But McCain is better. He will give tax credits, while Barack is totally going to take over health care. Something about a tax break for a 5000 dollar plan or something.”
Palin ducked away from the item tossed and said in a pleading voice, “I am reading my notes. Yeah, I’m talking to you guy in flight suit.”
“I don’t know where to start. I am from the east coast and I do not want to give the oil companies another tax break. I WANT TO TAX THEM TO DEATH!” Joe exclaims. “And those small business wouldn’t get increases. They are not RICH AMERICANS. They are middle class mostly. Unless they happen to be Bill Gates. John McCain’s health care plane, taxes you if you have a health care benefits through your company to give you the 5000. That money goes straight goes to the insurance companies, and you will NEVER SEE IT UNLESS SOMETHINGH HORRID HAPPENS TO YOU. THAT IS TOTAL RIP OFF. Twenty million of you will be dropped from your plans through work because of this crappy plan McCain planned out with the insurance companies to fleece
Sarah Palin laughed. The world laughed loudler.
“I am TALKING ABOUT MONEY
“LISETN TO MEEEEEEEEEE!” Joe pleaded. “I am not talking about education! I read that book about the world is flat, and we need to learn stuff to compete in the world market! Health care is important! Look at the British! They have a good health care plan. Oh no, light is blinking. 100 billion tax dodge, which allows people to avoid taxes by taking their mail box off shores. THEY DO NOT PAY TAXES! THEY AREN’T AMERICAN PROUDLY!”
Palin smiled and announced, “McCain rules. He straight talks. Not in a circle. He is wonderful. I will talk about our energy plan. Obama voted for the oil company tax breaks. I had to take on the oil companies in
“Huh?” Joe asked, looking at Palin, who’s hair is even more in her eyes after her impassioned speech.
“I am SUPER HERO GIRL!” Palin yelled quiet desperately.
“Whatever,” Joe said. Palin seemed to get a hold of herself and patted her hair down while Joe went on. “OBAMA wanted to eliminate the oil company tax breaks. McCain is wishes to give the oil companies tax breaks. I want to give Americans 1000. McCain doesn’t support windfall taxes or something. He wants to give the oil companies money. Mostly because he needs more money to support his wife’s face.”
Palin gives Joe a blank look, as she does not have a note card about McCain’s wife’s face.
“I dunno,” Joe said with a shrug.
“Economy! Changes! I want to talk about change! CHANGE!” Palin shouted. “Wall Street is greedy. John McCain wanted to reform Wall Street. He wanted to save the world two years ago! NO one wanted to help. McCain tried to warn the whole world about the crash of the economy. I cannot speak proper English in this odd ball accent I have, but that is okay. At least I do not make up words like Bush do. I grew up on
“You are from
Palin looks alarmed and confused. “Run?”
“I believe John McCain and the governor do not support certain things I like,” Joe stated.
“YOU LIE! But I do not have enough time to tell you why, so I will just talk about myself again and energy,” Palin said, changing the subject. “WE totally have to allow the nation to become energy independent. WE are giving away too much money to places who HATE US.”
“National security! Energy plans! Who care about tax breaks! Heck! I love this country!” Palin exclaimed.
People of
Palin stood up taller and said, “I am from
Joe rolled his eyes. He said, “Climate change is man made. I know this. She doesn’t understand the cause. Thus, she will not have a good solution. I know what caused it: MAN! WE are greedy oil eaters and are killing the earth. 20 times, McCain voted AGAINST alternative energy. He only likes it now because its totally in vogue. Obama was always for this stuff before it became the totally in fashion thing to do. Obama is great. OBAMA! LOVE HIM! CHANGE! Create jobs! McCain kills jobs. HE wants to drill, drill, drill, drill. Ten years, we wont’ have oil and we will have issues.”
People of
Palin suddenly remembered something. She exclaimed quite happily, “Drill baby drill! People want us to drill. Duh. We must totally destroy our country to get the oil. And, well, we’ll do some more “green” things, but DRILL BABY DRILL! OBAMA SUCKS! He doesn’t want to drill. He sucks. You think that drilling is rapping.”
People of
“YOU WERN’T LISTENING,” Joe yelled at
Palin fails to realized that
“Well, I do not want redefine marriage. I just want to give them rights,” Joe stated.
Palin nodded her head a few times and said, “Rights are cool. I am tolerant. I have gay friends. So, yeah, I guess if they are really committed those people can have similar rights to married women and men. Who are married to each other.”
“That is what I said,” Joe reminded her.
Palin looks confused. “I think I am confused. Did we just agree?”
Joe now looks alarmed. “Uh, yeah, we did.”
“I am scared. Let’s talk about
“Sure,” Joe said.
Palin went through her note cards and pulled out one and said, “I want to get out in a way, but I’m going to talk about a guy who hasn’t been charge in four years in
“You should watch
Palin realized that South Park might be better than her so she yelled, “Obama flip flopped! I have a plan for withdrawal. We cannot loose there, we must fight terrorism. We must win in
Joe got a knowing look on his face and said, “I think we did win. Didn’t Bush proclaim victory awhile ago?”
Palin flapped her hand at him and said, “Blah, blah, blah. American will win! WE MUST WIN!”
Palin pounded her fist on the podium a few times for effect. Joe raised an eyebrow and gave her a dry smile.
“Was there a plan in there?” he asked. “I don’t think so. OBAMA has a plan. John McCain voted the same way Obama did about the whole funding. That was the time line bill. He did not want a time line. I guess Obama didn’t either, but that is not the point. WE NEED A PLAN! Obama has a plan. He’s got CHANGE on his side!”
Sarah Palin fell asleep during Joe’s speech. He did not look very happy about that and yelled, “WAKE UP!”
Palin jerked awake and cried, “Oh! Your plan sucks. It’s like a white flag saying we give up. WE CANNOT GIVE UP! WE MUST WIN! And that will not happen till the
“Sure,” Joe said slowly, looking at her like she had lost her mind, which she did, but no one knows exactly when.
“You said Obama wasn’t ready to lead and you wanted to fund them. Obama is a total story teller. Ha!” Palin shouted, thinking she’d gotten the upper hand on Joe.
“John McCain supported the bill against to protect MY SON!” Joe yelled, looking very angry. Sarah shrunk back. “HE did not like the timeline. He hated the timeline. Dick Chaney is an idiot. No one listens to me ever, which is a total surprise to me as I do not know what I am doing him. McCain is dead wrong on fundamental issues. Obama has been pretty damn right. Plus, CHANGE! McCain failed to read history books. This will cause him to repeat history like another Republican who can’t read….I think we know who I am talking about. Nucelar weapons are bad. We got to do something.”
Not really having a note card to tell her what to do, Palin yelled, “
“NO! Al-Quada is everywhere!” Joe reminded her. “They are in places that are sort of unstable places. We need support democracy and stop worrying about
Palin looked very serious and said, “Oh,
Joe looked rather freaked out and confused for a moment and asked, “Are you singing? Do you even know what you are talking about? The leader of Al-Quada wouldn’t tell us where they are based! They are terrorist! They want to freak us out!”
“Obama wants to meet with these evil people,” Palin said.
Joe looked outraged for a moment. “To talk to them! You know, without guns.”
Palin shuffled through some note cards and then proclaimed, “I talked to Henry Kissenger."
Palin looked bewildered for a moment then shouted, “People hate
“Who?” Joe asked.
“The bad guys. Duh. Diplomacy is hard work,” said Palin, looking tired. “You got to have friends and people to back you up before you go talk to evil people.”
“God you’re stupid,” Joe commented. “We have no friends. The few we have are telling us to sit down and talk, but the guy who can’t read won’t sit down and talk because he doesn’t know how to talk. Our Allies hate us, for the most part. John McCain won’t even sit down with the government of
Palin looked like a deer caught in headlights. “He hates Spanish people? I do not know. He never tells me anything.”
Joe nodded his head, seemingly understanding even more than before, “No wonder you never know what you’re talking about.”
“Yeah,” Palin said nodding. “Wait!
“Huh?” Joe asked, not aware they had changed subjects. “I think I will talk in third person and Joe Biden am a total friend of
“ I like the fact we both love
“Past is important. We have to look to the past in order to learn from history,” Joe reminded her. “John McCain is George Bush. He is the SAME! Only I think he can read. I haven’t heard of any differences between the two. And IT SUCKS. It is not CHANGE! WE have lost our respect. WE MUST GET IT BACK!”
“Whatever,” Palin said with a flick of hair. “Nuclear weapons! They sucks. We cannot use it. Plus, we gotta stop people from getting weapons. WE should attack those who have them with ours? Wait, did I say that? No, uh, we need to put economic sanctions on them, even though our economy sucks. Can I talk about
Joe decided to ignore Palin. “Facts matter. The General who is there right now, said our current ways will not in
“Dude, you are wrong. The surge principle would totally work,” Palin said. “But even if it doesn’t, we have friends there! We are not waging a war all alone there. We are building schools. You can’t build schools in
“Dude, where the hell do you get your information?” Joe asked.
Palin held up her pile of note cards. “These note cards.”
Joe rolled his eyes. “Oi. McCain seems to think we won in
Palin put her hands on her hips. “You are not. Where is your super suit?”
Joe motioned to his suit and said, “This is my super suit! Bush lied to me, by the way. I gave him the power to go to war, because he claimed he needed the power because NATO was having issues and he needed to keep economic sanctions. HE JUST WANTED TO GO GET SADDAM! And screw up a bunch of young kids. Dafur is a major issues. SAVE THE WORLD!”
Palin looked happy and said, “I thought it was, Save the cheerleader, save the world? I am a
“Okay, you can’t call me Joe any more,” Joe said, looking unhappy.
Palin asked, “Huh?”
“We need to follow rules about genocide. Nations would intervene and not do nothing about it. It is horrible. If you won’t intervene, you forget your right. Let’s go back to the war thing. I don’t agree with McCain. HE SUCKS. But I still love him, do not worry. We are going to be stuck in
Palin shuffled her cards and said, “I disagree. You hate Obama. I totally know it. You’re just trying to get elected, as I am, but who cares. I am not very bright and am using this odd accent. McCain rules. Trust me. I know these things. HE learns from mistakes and blunders, even if he picked me when I decided to go
Joe narrowed his eyes and said, “No he doesn’t. He’s not a general.”
People of
Joe stood up tall and announced, “I would carry out Obama’s plans to the tee. Everything would be wonderful while the country morns our beloved leader. I would also be sad. But I would prevail and carry on and become the new Harry Potter by rejected the Bush Doctrine. We will cooperate with the world! They will love us again! This is an important election, the most since 1932, even though no one really knows what happened then!”
“Were you alive in 1932? I bet you were,” Palin announced. Joe rolled his eyes. “We are a team of mavericks, thus we don’t agree. I will do my own thing and keep my opinion and I will make good policies. I would continue his good work, by putting the government in the hands of the PEOPLE! The people of MAIN STREET AND MIDDLE AMERICA! Working class all the way! I’m all for the people!”
“Huh?” Joe asked.
Palin looked around for a moment and then shouted, “I like people! Especially the middle class ones. I like those best.”
“You are not for the little people. You like the rich folks,” Joe said, and turned to face the camera. “I like the little people. I eat with them, I socialize with them. I am one of them. This is why I talk in third person. My hood gets it and knows they got the shaft. I don’t know what middle class you are from, but not mine.”
Palin looked shocked and said, “Say it ain’t so Joe! (she really said that!) You went backwards again! I will throw some more cute catch phrases and I will talk really fast about education and in run on sentences about education really fast to get it over with quickly. Teachers need more money, I am from a house full of school teachers, we are all teachers, except me as I wanted to be a television anchor until I accidently tripped into politics. NO Child Left behind does suck, it failed, just like so many people said it would, but whatever. My kids go to public school! Aren’t I cool! Yay Education!”
And everyone gets extra credit. No idea why.
“We all know what the vp does. They do nothing!” Palin exclaimed happily.
Joe looked tired and said, “They do not. They preside over the senate.”
“Oh yeah. So I have a lot of power. Yay me!” Palin said, waving her hands around.
Joe hid his face behind his hands.
Palin went through her note cards again and said, “I want to work with children with special needs, as Trig is a special needs child and not because his name is Trig.”
Joe lifted up his head and said, “No child left behind was underfunded, hence why we left a bunch of kids behind. We suck.”
Suddenly, from the kitchen,
“No. I just ate the cake you gave me,”
“You did not. Where did all the Java Chip go?”
“Uhh…I lost track of the debate,”
“That is okay,
Palin still looked like a kid in a candy store as she said, “I will have a ton more power as vp. Like Cheney. I will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
Joe smirked and said, “By staring at
Palin looked at Joe like he was finally crazy and said, “Duh. I’m going to be a flexible vp. I rock. I wear lipstick. And I have really cute shoes.”
Joe looked embarrassed to be standing in the same room as Palin. Palin shuffled through her trusty cards and announced, “I owned my own business!”
Joe lifted up his head and said, “Great. Cheney is dangerous. He’s totally running the country. He failed totally. He failed to understand the constitution. HE SUCKS HE IS EVIL! He ruled Bush. He had no authority to do anything he’s really done. He controls the nation. I am scared of him in all honesty. He seemed to think he has power. He has run the country into the ground. HE SUCKS. I AM FOR CHANGE!”
Palin looked high and mighty for a moment and asked, “Then, well, wouldn’t you be for a different type of vp?”
“No.”
That answer threw Palin so she said, “I am governor of a huge state.”
“With like ten people in it,”
“There are more people in than ten, Mr. Flight Suit,” Palin shouted. “I have a connection to the heart
“What the hell are you talking about?
“Oh, I don’t know. I am talking about myself again,” Palin admitted.
“I have no discipline evidently, but that is okay,” Joe said. “I am old. I won’t change, I have never changed, but I am ALL FOR CHANGE! I wrote a crime bill to make this country saver. I understand what is like to be a single parent. I was one! I know what life is like for Americans. I am better off now, I have a house, but at one point I really sucked at life. Thus, I totally get it. Just like she does. People want help. They are not looking for more of the same.”
“They are looking for CHANGE!” Palin shouted, thrusting her fist in the air. “He’s a maverick. I mean, McCain is a maverick, not Joe there. I am going to talk about myself more now. I appointed my friends, but let’s not talk about that.”
Joe looked mystified. “Are you serious?”
“I am diverse. WE are all diverse and McCain will lead us to victory! We gotta win the wars! WE gotta get the economy back to what it was when…uh, that other guy was in charge. McCain is for CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!” Palin exclaimed.
“You know you should not take my tag line,” Joe commented. “I love John, but he sucks. He is not a maverick. That is just his stupid catch phrase like CHANGE is mine! HE doesn’t want to give anyone health care. He sucks. He hates education. He hasn’t been a maverick on anything that effects what MIDDLE AMERICAN is talking about. He is old and totally out of touch. I might be old, but I’m not that out of touch. I talk to Obama.”
Palin looked really tired for a moment and asked, “Are we done yet?”
People of
Joe looked throughful for a moment and said, “I was a lawyer once. This somehow ties into judges. And CHANGE. Ideology is important in judges. That is why I hate Bush and his trying to CHANGE the Supreme Court. IT matters what the philosophy of this…I changed some how. I am not sure what this means and I think I am babbling.”
Palin looked alarmed for a moment, realizing she had to talk, so she said, “I voted for things I did not agree with to progress CHANGE! I failed at the support thing, but I’m still all good. I rule. In middle America Alaska. I am talking about myself again. La la la, I will bring myself to
“What job?” Joe challenged.
“Oh, any job,” Palin said with a flap of her hand.
“Okay…I’m going to talk about myself. I am totally able to talk people into things and change things. I question things and I get respect. I rock. Remember that, I rock and so does Obama because we LIKE CHANGE!” Joe exclaimed and punched the air.
“No, I rock. I appoint anyone. I walk the walk and I don’t just talk the talk. I am diverse. I think I might know a democrat or something. VOTE FOR ME! VOTE FOR ME!” Palin said, jumping up and down.
Joe looked embarrassed again and reminded her, “They can’t vote for you.”
Palin looked embarrassed. She said, “VOTE MCCAIN!”
“There you go,” Joe said to her like she was a three year old.
“Don’t kill jobs! Don’t increase taxes! That will KILL JOBS!” Palin announced.
Palin ignored
“You mean, freedom, not party,” Joe suggested.
“Yeah, yeah. We are fighting. And McCain was a war hero! HE spent five years in a box! And he’s a fighter pilot,” Palin went on.
Palin looked affronted and said, “He’s not a jerk!”
“I liked meeting you by the way,” Joe said, trying to get back on track. “You do smell good, but, we are in a total hell hole in this country and we need CHANGE in EVERYTHING and Obama will totally change this. He is Obama, the Harry Potter of the Political world. He will save us all from Voldermort and the wild pigs. Remember that. WE will still fight for your rights and freedom, but we will also fight for education, health care and respect. I will now talk about my hood and how middle class I am. Obama is also middle class. He rocks. CHANGE! CHANGE! GET UP AND CHANGE! God bless us all! Protect our troops!”
People of
“More than likely,”
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