Hi! I'm Basil Bea Dog. I'd just like to tell you that I LOVE SNOW. It is like the greatest thing on this earth. I am totally serious. It might be better than Yummy Chummies. Or carrots. Though, not better than Turkey. Nothing trumps Turkey.
But it snowed a lot FINALLY. To the point where I can shove my head into it. No one is sure why I do this and I think I'd like to keep it a secret.
But, Alpha Dog let me outside yesterday morning and there was SNOW! And A LOT OF IT! I ran around leaping for joy! Then to make things better, she took me out and PLAYED WITH ME!
IN THE SNOW PEOPLE! IN THE SNOW!
I think we had a lot of fun. I'll share with you some of our fun.
I found the kong in the yard. It was full of frozen snow goodness!
It was also fun to run around with it in my mouth. I threw it at Alpha Dog a few times, but she never picked it up and ran around with it. She just doesn't get it.
She fails to realize the fun you can have carrying things around in ones mouth. I mean, that is how I carry everything. She never carries things in her mouth. Except pins. I'm not sure why she does that.
Alpha dog likes to throw snow at me. She threw a snow ball at me there. I kinda wish I could throw a snow ball at her, but all I can do is jump on her with my snowy paws and make her wet. She doesn't seem to like that, but oh well.
Well, all, that was our play session in the snow. Today she only came outside for a few minutes and followed me around for a while till I went potty. She then went back inside, after telling me she didn't have any socks on. She had boots on. I hate boots. She told me I might have to wear my boots again if I didn't let her wipe my feet off. I let her wipe my feet off. I hate those boots.
And those dumb coats. I hate those too. I haven't seen those yet...I hope they do not make an appearance. Maybe I should stop shedding so much?
Last week, I spent the whole week on the couch. Not due to illness (though I did have issues breathing last week and bloody noses due to the overly dry air of winter in dirt hole), but because it was the final week that Stargate Atlantis would be an "on air" show. Sci Fi, in all its wonderful thinking, canceled the show with three episodes left in season five. This, it seems, caused some major issues in ending the show. I have a feeling the people who basically see $$$ when they look at TV shows, etc, thought, oh we have such success with putting SG-1 on DVD movie program, let's do it with Atlantis (Sci Fi also cancelled SG-1 in the middle of major plot going ons as well, but gave the show more notice about ending then Atlantis). So the poor writers, directors and producers had to scramble to come up with some way to END the show in basically two eps. Yeah, you try it and see how you fare.
They sunk. That is what they did, they sunk hard core to the bottom of the ocean above Atlantis, well once it took off in all its flying city glory for Earth to protect Earth from the SUPER WRAITH SHIP! OHNOZ!
Here is how the episode went:
La la la la la, we are the people of Atlantis! Oh, wait, here's Todd the Wraith with vital plot important information! Let's put him in a strange looking flight suit and stick him, not in a prison, but a conference room, because the last time we saw Todd he was trying to be a good Wraith and become a nice one that doesn't eat humans. Yet, that did not go too well for him, he almost died, and we let him go find some bug to cure him and figured he was dead. But, obviously, he's not dead as he's here with major plot information!
"Hi, Todd. You're not dead," says Col. Shepard, entering the room in his black version of what Todd's got on. "I know, but don't I look horrid? That bug did wonders for my health, but it made me look terrible. Also, I guess it made me suck ass as a leader, as my first prime...I mean first commander totally stole my new crew and something vital to the plot from me." "Wasn't he new too? The commander? As you sort of killed your whole crew?" "No, you killed my crew." "Oh yeah. So, what is this plot important information?" "ZPMs, from the Replicators." "Now, we did kill those guys dead. Sort of. Forget Elizabeth and her gang." "Yeah, well, they left these three ZPMs behind. So I took them. I was totally going to give them to you." "No you weren't. I know you, Todd. I named you!" "True that. Anyways, so this guy stole one from me and used it to build...SUPER WRAITH SHIP OF DEATH!"
Shepard freaks out without actually freaking out. He tells he'll kill Todd dead if he is lying, and goes off to find the ship with his trusty mates Roan (resident badass), Rodney McKay (resident asshat) and Tayla (resident hot lady). They go off in a space ship and try to kill the SUPER WRAITH SHIP OF DEATH and they....FAIL!
Okay, so they failed. What else could go wrong?
"Uh, guys? Remember me? That ass hat doctor you thought might be a Goul'd and I totally hate you all out loud?" "Yeah, what are you doing here?" Shepard asks. "And why did they give you wings and a flight suit? You are a freaking scientist?!" "And you hate the military," McKay jealously points out.
The dude ignores them and goes on to tell them the following, "Uh, we're picking up this here message."
McKay looks and freaks out. Somehow there's a message from another space time! Its in Wraith and gives the coordinate for EARHT! OH NOZ! THE WORLD IS GONNA END BECAUSE SOME GUY SENT A MESSAGE INTO VARIOUS OTHER SPACE TIMES! If we only knew where it really came from (Las Vegas, mind you.)
Oh, that sucks. Let's send Shepard to Earth, away from his team, to fight along side Carter and that random major guy who popped up at random moments. Oh, and instead of some nice Shepard/McKay banter for the final round, let's have a touching moment between Carter and Shepard! Oh, btw, we moved the Ancient Chair to Area 51. "Well it's lovely to see you, but I guess I'll go to Area 51 now." "Nope, you can't," Carter said. "I think the Wraith ships are heading there."
"So the reason we took you away from your mates, is sort of going to blow up, so you'll have to go on a Kamikaze mission. Shepard is going to be dead soon. Enjoy life in the flying glider and your death mission to the SUPER WRAITH SHIP! okthxbia," says the major dude Paul Davis.
"Hey, why are you wearing your service dress for a war? Is it Monday?" Shepard asks. "Why, yes, actually it is. This whole Wraith thing is very last minute, so I couldn't change into my war outfit," Davis explains. "But I did," Carter chrips. "Let's do something productive than just stand here talking. Let's get some gliders in the air and blow stuff up."
Shepard likes this idea and gets his paws on a super nuke and takes off into his glider. How he knows to fly one is beyond me because in his past life as an AF pilot, he flew helicopters, not flighters, not planes, but helicopters. So, off goes the gliders and the SUPER WRAITH SHIP OF DEATH hides behind the moon or something.
Meanwhile, back on Atlantis....
Wait, did you say that the super wriath ship we failed to blow up on our first try took out our other space ships? Oh, woe, what are we to do now?
"Hey, do you know we're in a flying city?" Todd the Wraith asks. "Why, Todd, yes we are. But we only have one super duper power cell," the Doctor, uh, I mean Woosley informs him. "Didn't I tell you when I first got here that I had three?" "Yes." long pause. "Oh yeah, I guess you brought those with you, didn't you?" "Yeah, I did. Now, go and fly the city to save all those tasty humans!"
And off Atlantis goes. Now, Shepard is off saving Earth all by his lonesome, who is to fly the city?! Oh, Carson Beckett! That is right, he's got the gene strong enough to do it AND he is not dead. (He's a clone!) So, the good doctor flies the city into the night! Or day. (It is surprising he does manage to do this, as almost all other times Carson gets into the Chair something goes a miss (the first time he almost killed Shepard and O'Neil...)
However, the engine gives out and they are adrift (which is not Carson's fault, its an old city for crying out loud!) Until Zeleka has an idea!
"So, Rodney was working on this really crazy idea." "We'll do it!" Woosley exclaims. "Its about worm hole travel or something really, really complicated." "I don't care, let's do it. Don't explain it to me, I've been a by the books yes man for most of my life. I have no idea what you're talking about half the time anyways." "Okay, I'll just go do some really complicated math and we'll be there in a jiffy." "Ah, good. I'm going to go talk to Todd."
And Atlantis travels into the worm hole or something. After this, they do something else find themselves face to face with the crazy SUPER WRAITH SHIP OF DEATH and figure out there's there is a Stargate on it, so they dial and go have an adventure.
"Now don't die Roan," Tayla says. "There are movies after this we must be in." "Got it. I'll just shoot my heart out," Roan says and then, oops, Roan dies. "HEY! I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!" Dead Roan says nothing, he is just dead. "OHMYGOD!" Rodney shouts. "I NEED TO BE AN ASSHAT TODAY!" "Oh yeah, let's go allow you to be an asshat away from Roan, as he was killed dead."
And Tayla and McKay exit. Then some Random Wraith walks up and brings Roan back to life and shouted, "TELL ME WHERE THE OTHERS ARE! THEN I WILL EAT YOU!"
"You're super ship can't tell you?" "No, that is a flaw in our super ship," Random Wraith admits. "BUT I KILL YOU DEAD!" "But you just brought me back to life!" "ROAN YOU"RE NOT KILLED DEAD!" "WHAT? I WAS TRYING TO BE AN ASSHAT WHAT IS GOING ON?" McKay demands as Tayla and Lorne (who is replacing Shepard for this mission) shoot the Wairth all dead and pick up Roan. "I can't die. I've got main character protection," Roan reminds Tayla. "I know, but I thought maybe you didn't want to be in the movie. Let's get out of here Rodney. Fix the gate."
So they start off, dragging an alive Roan behind them. Rodney goes on trying to be the ass hat he is (while a man who has never seen the show announces several times, "God, that guy is such and ass.")
Meanwhile, back in the land of Kamazkie missions, the Wraith have blown up the Ancient Chair of Saving and now Shepard is going to fly his super nuke into the SUPER WRAITH SHIP OF DEATH and die along with it. So he goes and is in position and radios to someone he's ready to die and McKay freaks out. Then Shepard freaks out because he thinks that his mates are on Atlantis, not in this SUPER WRAITH SHIP OF DEATH. They began to bicker about what to do next.
"Hey, instead of fighting about setting the nuke off, let's go get Shepard, shoot some Wraith, get Rodney to fix the gate and then GO!" Lorne shouts.
This sounds good, so they meet Shepard, fight off some Wraith (oddly Lorne dose not die) and they gate off the WRAITH SHIP OF DEATH just before the nuke goes off and EXPLODES the SUPER WRAITH SHIP OF DEATH, which isn't that super. It went BOOM!
"Do you find it odd they only brought one ship?" Tayla asks as she dragged Roan around the alpha site. "Yeah, but we've got those movies," Shepard reminds her. "Yeah, maybe Jennifer will be in those more than she was in this finale episode," Rodney comments. "Hey, I wonder how she's doing on Atlantis?"
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Atlantis is crashing to the planet's surface as a huge fire ball (with Jennifer Keller on it, presumably).
"So, I guess I get to go to Earth, don't I?" Todd asks as things explode as the city falls to Earth. "Yeah, I guess you do. But you won't get out to see the sites," Woosley says. "I guess that is sort of tragic, but that is okay. I am going to go see Keller, as she has not been in the whole episode." "Good idea."
City crashes down in ocean and floats into San Fransico harbor. Somehow (and for unknown reasons) the crew goes back to the city and Roan is sitting in a medical bed. This random girl (who is evidently the Amelia who explains what the gate is doing) comes in to talk to Roan. I have no clue why she gets to talk to Roan or why he seems friendly to her, as before now she just was the girl who said the gate was acting up. Anyways, she drags Roan to see the Golden Gate Bridge, and the people who saved Earth (except Lorne, but including Jennifer) get to stare at the bridge.
Ireland Scott, your typical 20 something American, sat down in front of her TV Thursday night and squealed, “Whooo! VP DEBATE!”
Crickets sound all around her.
“Okay, not all that exciting in reality, but seriously, I missed the debate with the actual presidents, so I MUST watch the VP debate,” said Ireland. “Plus, I must see for myself Sarah Palin and her stupid accent yap and flail about like the idiot she really is.”
Ireland settled into the couch and curled up to watch the excitement. Realizing she doesn’t like the new achers on ABC, she switched to CBS as the debate actually started.
“Who is Gwen Ifill? Am I supposed to know her? And how come her name was up for only like five seconds?” Ireland asked, however, she is distracted by what Gwen is saying. “Ooo, domestic matters. And foreign matters. I wonder if Palin will mention she can see Russia from her house. AWWW, the audience will remain polite. That is nice of them. Blah, blah, blah, it is okay to clap right NOW!”
And out walked Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.
“Can I call you Joe?” Palin asked with a huge smile.
“I don’t care what you call me, go back to Minnesota,” Joe said with an equally huge smile.
Looking confused, Pail corrects him. “I’m from Alaska.”
“I know that is what you claim,” Joe said dryly.
Palin, however, just shrugs her shoulders. “Well, whateveah. Should we debate something?”
“Yes, that is why I am here in St. Louis rather than in Delaware. With my family. Who all have somewhat normal names,” Joe said, walking across the stage to his podium.
“Oh, how adorable. Should we talk about the bail out plan?”
Joe stared at Palin, who has followed him over to his podium. “Sure. Go to your own podium and then let’s go.”
“I am a Washington outsider,” Palin said and walked across the stage to the other podium. “I don’t know how things work, so you start about how much it sucked, I mean, what it was, and I will read these massive amount of notes someone gave me.”
Joe turned to face front and looked right at the camera and started with, “I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will not answer the question until the last moment. I will waffle on, and blame Bush Boy for the failures of the nation. Republicans suck. Wall Street is a bunch of wild pigs running all over mucking up New York City. However comma, OBAMA WILL TOTALLY SAVE US ALL FROM THE WILD PIGS AND THE REPUBLICANS! I will go find Harry Potter (aka OBAMA) and he will kill Voldermort again (the CEOS) and Potter will save the world! Wait, what was the question? Oh, yeah, OBAMA is Harry Potter. So, vote for Potter!”
The people of St. Louis who are sitting in front of Joe all look at one another and asked, “Harry Potter? Really? Where is Harry Potter? Isn’t Harry Potter busy being naked on stage somewhere?"
Palin suddenly realized that Joe had stopped talking and it was her turn. She decided to follow Joe’s lead and thank people for allowing her to talk. “I totally also thank you for allowing me to talk again and annoy you with my voice. Oh yeah, totally go to your kid’s soccer game and I betcha you will find a fear of Harry Potter. I mean, the stock market. Harry Potter wouldn’t be at your kid’s soccer game! He’s busy being naked. We do not need no Harry Potter to save us! We all fear about going to college and keeping jobs. Our economy is totally hurting, you betcha, but it is not the Republicans fault. John McCain is totally going to reform. He is a maverick (don’t ask me to define that). He sounded that stupid bell and no one listened to him because he was kicked out of the Bush club. Just ignore the fact that he is back in the club and VOTE FOR ME! I mean, uh, McCain. VOTR MCCAIN!”
Joe jumped up and down for a moment trying to regain people’s attention. He said, “I deal with controversial issues. I have no idea what I am talking about half the time, but at least I do not sound like I was a miss placed person who sounds like they are Minnesota. I have 35 years of training to sound like I know what I am talking about. Watch: Something about sidelines….something about the economy…”
Palin rolled her eyes and smiled. “When John McCain said the economy was strong, he was totally talking about the people, not the actual economy. Our American workers are STRONG! They will save us! Well, if not, that 700 billion dollars will save us. We are reformers! We are marvericks! Even if I do not know what that means…Obama only votes along his party lines. He is…Harry Potter. What does he know about actually leading? He has a hero complex. We are tired of old politics,” Palin said. She dropped her voice to a whispered, “That guy Joe is old.”
People of St. Louis all looked at one another again and asked, “Uh, did you even answer that question you posed about the bail out bill? And really, we know that Obama isn’t Harry Potter. And maybe we need a hero to save us from greedy investors.”
Ireland’s husband, meanwhile was in the kitchen making himself dinner after a hard day of work. He yelled loudly, “KILL THEM! GREEDY INVESTORS!”
Palin realized she was about to loose the audience so she cried, “There was deception on Wall Street!”
Ireland husband meanwhile ran from the kitchen and yelled, “IT WAS NOT DECEPTION!”
Palin was still desperately trying to get the audience back on her side, she tossed out some cute catch phrases for the silly Americans.
“Let’s commit to Joe six pack! Hockey mom’s…demand strict oversight. My bangs are too long. They keep getting in my eyes,” Palin blows her hair out of her eyes and went on. “And don’t live outside your means. It’s not your fault the economy is hurtn’ like it is, but you know, it is really your fault. You should know what you can and cannot afford. But is not your fault that banks are greedy. You should have known that though.”
Something clicked in Joe’s head as Palin was speaking. So, he begins right after Palin finallys shuts up.
“OBAMA knew this was going to happen. He can see the future,” Joe said, while thinking that Palin can too, but she failed to realize this. She can see Russia from her house! Russia is in the future, thank you to the international date line. Palin can see tomorrow! “But no one listened to him, and the wild pigs ran wild and the Republicans deregulated Wall Street and the wild pigs ran wild and totally ran over OBAMA. But he survived! Because he is Harry Potter, the kids who just won’t die! Ask Voldermort.”
Meanwhile, back at Chez Scott, Ireland’s husband stated, “I hate the split screen. She can’t pick her nose if she needs to.”
“Why would she have to pick her nose” Ireland asked.
“Or at least get her hair out of her eyes. It keeps moving as she talks and its distracting,” Ireland husband said, following after the hair.
Now, in St. Louis, Joe and Palin are still debating one another.
“I am now talking about gas and another guy named Joey,” Joe said. “I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but it is important. Oh yea! No one has money to fill their gas tanks. CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE!”
“ I think I wanna talk about taxes right now,” Palin said, looking at her note cards. “I don’t seem to have a note card about gas. So I will talk about taxes. I am not sure what the question is, but I’m going to talk about taxes. Barack did not side with the people and he created HUGE TAXES 94 times. Tax relief will CREAT JOBS!”
Back in the dirt hole, Ireland is confused. She asked, “What I do not understand how tax relief creates jobs? Where are we going to get money in order to run the country if there is no money?”
However, Palin is not listening and yelled, “Tax raises loose jobs!”
“That is totally not true!” Joe exclaimed. “Plus, OBAMA and McCain voted the same way on what you are talking about, you dolt. I know you want to pick your nose. Stop looking at the desk. I rule.”
“NO you are wrong,” Palin announced. “I am going to start talking about myself and plug myself. I am a wonderful person and I totally gave tax breaks to my people as governor. Alaska has so much money we pay people to live there! I am wonderful and I have experience and I can run this country…”
Buzzer goes off somewhere.
“SHUT UP!” Ireland shouted. “You’re out of time! Ha ha! We will still be talking about taxes. I am not sure what is going on, as I am busy typing this. At least the split screen went away.”
“I like being fair. The middle class is having major issues,” said Joe. “Emotional, financial, and educational. They cannot pay their bills. That stupid tax breaks you talk about, well, no one was aided. Under OBAMA everything will be better. There will be CHANGE! CHANGE! THERE WILL BE CHANGE!”
Ireland suddenly remembered something. “Simple fairness…basically Joe is totally all for the middle class. Which makes sense, as he is middle class. I am serious. He and his wife together only made a little more than my dad. The wealthy will not be getting tax cuts. Bush gave the rich people tax cuts. He totally gave rich people tax breaks. Ask Bill Clinton, who is now rich. Or maybe not any more…I don’t know.”
Palin finds a note card and exclaims, “Dude, the rich people tax bracket also includes the small businesses.”
Joe just smiled.
“I live in middle America!” Palin announced.
People of St. Louis all look confused. “Huh? Don’t you live in Alaska? How is that in middle America? You are in Middle American right now, and you are very far from Alaska.”
Palin ignored them and went on with, “Lower taxes will allow us to grow and prosper. Barack only wants to spend money. HEALTH CARE! I like health care. Barack is okay about health care. But McCain is better. He will give tax credits, while Barack is totally going to take over health care. Something about a tax break for a 5000 dollar plan or something.”
Ireland’s husband tossed something at the TV and said, “That won’t help people who don’t’ even make 5000 dollars. Idiot.”
Palin ducked away from the item tossed and said in a pleading voice, “I am reading my notes. Yeah, I’m talking to you guy in flight suit.”
Ireland’s husband looks totally freaked out. Joe meanwhile, uses this silence from Palin to jump to his next point.
“I don’t know where to start. I am from the east coast and I do not want to give the oil companies another tax break. I WANT TO TAX THEM TO DEATH!” Joe exclaims. “And those small business wouldn’t get increases. They are not RICH AMERICANS. They are middle class mostly. Unless they happen to be Bill Gates. John McCain’s health care plane, taxes you if you have a health care benefits through your company to give you the 5000. That money goes straight goes to the insurance companies, and you will NEVER SEE IT UNLESS SOMETHINGH HORRID HAPPENS TO YOU. THAT IS TOTAL RIP OFF. Twenty million of you will be dropped from your plans through work because of this crappy plan McCain planned out with the insurance companies to fleece America. If elected, this plan will be on that special called THE FLEECING OF AMERICA. This SUCKS. Totally the ultimate bridge to nowhere.”
Sarah Palin laughed. The world laughed loudler. Ireland’s husband has had enough and announced, “I want to watch Futurerama. How was yoga? Are you in pain?”
“I am TALKING ABOUT MONEY IRELAND! LISTEN TO ME!” Joe yelled.
Ireland ignored Joe yelling at her and said to her husband. “I am fine. Yoga was okay. Go into the bedroom to watch Futurerama.”
“LISETN TO MEEEEEEEEEE!” Joe pleaded. “I am not talking about education! I read that book about the world is flat, and we need to learn stuff to compete in the world market! Health care is important! Look at the British! They have a good health care plan. Oh no, light is blinking. 100 billion tax dodge, which allows people to avoid taxes by taking their mail box off shores. THEY DO NOT PAY TAXES! THEY AREN’T AMERICAN PROUDLY!”
Palin smiled and announced, “McCain rules. He straight talks. Not in a circle. He is wonderful. I will talk about our energy plan. Obama voted for the oil company tax breaks. I had to take on the oil companies in Alaska and stand up to them. I HAD TO TELL THEM TO GET LOST! (but not really, because I neeeed their money to pay my citizens to stay in Alaska.) But they are not my biggest fans because I totally broke up a monopoly with my HOCKEY STICK AND LIPSTICK! I rule. Vote for me! I mean, McCain! Barack Obama sucks and he made my life hard. I had to undo them. I have only been at this five weeks, but I will do what is right for the American people. I will slaughter the wild pigs and save America! I will wear a super hero suit!”
“Huh?” Joe asked, looking at Palin, who’s hair is even more in her eyes after her impassioned speech.
“I am SUPER HERO GIRL!” Palin yelled quiet desperately.
“Whatever,” Joe said. Palin seemed to get a hold of herself and patted her hair down while Joe went on. “OBAMA wanted to eliminate the oil company tax breaks. McCain is wishes to give the oil companies tax breaks. I want to give Americans 1000. McCain doesn’t support windfall taxes or something. He wants to give the oil companies money. Mostly because he needs more money to support his wife’s face.”
Palin gives Joe a blank look, as she does not have a note card about McCain’s wife’s face.
“I dunno,” Joe said with a shrug.
“Economy! Changes! I want to talk about change! CHANGE!” Palin shouted. “Wall Street is greedy. John McCain wanted to reform Wall Street. He wanted to save the world two years ago! NO one wanted to help. McCain tried to warn the whole world about the crash of the economy. I cannot speak proper English in this odd ball accent I have, but that is okay. At least I do not make up words like Bush do. I grew up on Main Street and Middle America.”
“You are from Alaska, that is not Middle America,” Joe reminded Palin. “I’m going to talk about bankruptcy. OBAMA and I do not always agree, but we still like one another. It is all good. McCain was totally surprised by the mortgage crisis. He had no idea it would happen. Why? HE IS A REPUBLICAN! OH NO! RUN!”
Palin looks alarmed and confused. “Run?”
“I believe John McCain and the governor do not support certain things I like,” Joe stated.
“YOU LIE! But I do not have enough time to tell you why, so I will just talk about myself again and energy,” Palin said, changing the subject. “WE totally have to allow the nation to become energy independent.WE are giving away too much money to places who HATE US.”
Ireland rolled her eyes. “And why do they hate us? Oh, wait, its because WE SUCK AND WE ATTACK THEM!”
“National security! Energy plans! Who care about tax breaks! Heck! I love this country!” Palin exclaimed.
People of St. Louis look confused again and ask, “Climate Change? True? False? Debated? What causes it?”
Palin stood up taller and said, “I am from Alaska. There is snow there and we totally see change. But, man didn’t cause it. IT happens. Duh, I mean, man sorta helped, but it was GOD. I don’t really want to talk about that. I want to talk about what will be done to clean up the planet! It will be a totally international thing. And more about me, I am totally for this, as I was the first person to set up a SAVE THE PLANET thingy in my cabinet as Governor of Middle America. Alternative source, stop driving SUVS! Unless you are a hockey mom, then you sort of half to…you know to be able to drive all that stuff around.”
Joe rolled his eyes. He said, “Climate change is man made. I know this. She doesn’t understand the cause. Thus, she will not have a good solution. I know what caused it: MAN! WE are greedy oil eaters and are killing the earth. 20 times, McCain voted AGAINST alternative energy. He only likes it now because its totally in vogue. Obama was always for this stuff before it became the totally in fashion thing to do. Obama is great. OBAMA! LOVE HIM! CHANGE! Create jobs! McCain kills jobs. HE wants to drill, drill, drill, drill. Ten years, we wont’ have oil and we will have issues.”
People of St. Louis still look confused. “Caps on emissions. What the hell is going on?”
Palin suddenly remembered something. She exclaimed quite happily, “Drill baby drill! People want us to drill. Duh. We must totally destroy our country to get the oil. And, well, we’ll do some more “green” things, but DRILL BABY DRILL! OBAMA SUCKS! He doesn’t want to drill. He sucks. You think that drilling is rapping.”
Ireland’s husband wondered back into the room and asked, “Do we have any apple sauce? I want to outsmart people. Out running them doesn’t work. This will work. I think it should work!”
People of St. Louis yelled, “OH NO! Out if time!”
“YOU WERN’T LISTENING,” Joe yelled at Ireland. “But that is okay. I like civil rights for people who are in solid, committed relationships no matter what persuasion they are. We are all the same.”
Ireland’s husband started making a lot of noise in the kitchen and said, “You can have cake now. But you have to walk in here to get it.”
Ireland exclaimed, “WHOO HOO!”
Palin fails to realized that Ireland has left the room and went on with, “I hate gays, but I am tolerant, but unwilling to redefine marriages and stuff like that. Straight up, America, we cannot redefine marriage. It’s a man and woman thing. I’m totally traditional.”
“Well, I do not want redefine marriage. I just want to give them rights,” Joe stated.
Palin nodded her head a few times and said, “Rights are cool. I am tolerant. I have gay friends. So, yeah, I guess if they are really committed those people can have similar rights to married women and men. Who are married to each other.”
“That is what I said,” Joe reminded her.
Palin looks confused. “I think I am confused. Did we just agree?”
Joe now looks alarmed. “Uh, yeah, we did.”
“I am scared. Let’s talk about Iraq. We wont’ agree there,” Palin suggested.
“Sure,” Joe said.
Palin went through her note cards and pulled out one and said, “I want to get out in a way, but I’m going to talk about a guy who hasn’t been charge in four years in Iraq. Mostly because I have his name written down.”
“You should watch SouthPark. Its funny,” Ireland’s husband yelled from the bedroom.
Palin realized that South Park might be better than her so she yelled, “Obama flip flopped! I have a plan for withdrawal. We cannot loose there, we must fight terrorism. We must win in Iraq!”
Joe got a knowing look on his face and said, “I think we did win.Didn’t Bush proclaim victory awhile ago?”
Palin flapped her hand at him and said, “Blah, blah, blah. American will win! WE MUST WIN!”
Palin pounded her fist on the podium a few times for effect. Joe raised an eyebrow and gave her a dry smile.
“Was there a plan in there?” he asked. “I don’t think so. OBAMA has a plan. John McCain voted the same way Obama did about the whole funding. That was the time line bill. He did not want a time line. I guess Obama didn’t either, but that is not the point. WE NEED A PLAN! Obama has a plan. He’s got CHANGE on his side!”
Sarah Palin fell asleep during Joe’s speech. He did not look very happy about that and yelled, “WAKE UP!”
Palin jerked awake and cried, “Oh! Your plan sucks. It’s like a white flag saying we give up. WE CANNOT GIVE UP!WE MUST WIN! And that will not happen till the Iraq people do what we want, and they seem to be having issues doing that. But we are getting closer.”
“Sure,” Joe said slowly, looking at her like she had lost her mind, which she did, but no one knows exactly when.
“You said Obama wasn’t ready to lead and you wanted to fund them. Obama is a total story teller. Ha!” Palin shouted, thinking she’d gotten the upper hand on Joe.
“John McCain supported the bill against to protect MY SON!” Joe yelled, looking very angry. Sarah shrunk back. “HE did not like the timeline. He hated the timeline. Dick Chaney is an idiot. No one listens to me ever, which is a total surprise to me as I do not know what I am doing him. McCain is dead wrong on fundamental issues. Obama has been pretty damn right. Plus, CHANGE! McCain failed to read history books. This will cause him to repeat history like another Republican who can’t read….I think we know who I am talking about. Nucelar weapons are bad. We got to do something.”
Not really having a note card to tell her what to do, Palin yelled, “Iraq!”
“NO! Al-Quada is everywhere!” Joe reminded her. “They are in places that are sort of unstable places. We need support democracy and stop worrying about Iraq so much. They are busy hating one another. Bin Ladin lives in Pakistan.”
Palin looked very serious and said, “Oh, Pakistan is trouble. And the war on terror is in Iraq. Some military dude and the leader of Al-Quada said that. So we must trust them, not the facts. Iran is trouble. BOMB IRAN! Bobbbb bobbb Iran!”
Joe looked rather freaked out and confused for a moment and asked, “Are you singing? Do you even know what you are talking about? The leader of Al-Quada wouldn’t tell us where they are based! They are terrorist! They want to freak us out!”
“Obama wants to meet with these evil people,” Palin said.
Joe looked outraged for a moment. “To talk to them! You know, without guns.”
Palin shuffled through some note cards and then proclaimed, “I talked to Henry Kissenger."
Ireland’s husband was wandering by and asked, “Is he still alive?”
Palin looked bewildered for a moment then shouted, “People hate America. They do not respect Americans and women rights!”
“Who?” Joe asked.
“The bad guys. Duh. Diplomacy is hard work,” said Palin, looking tired. “You got to have friends and people to back you up before you go talk to evil people.”
“God you’re stupid,” Joe commented. “We have no friends. The few we have are telling us to sit down and talk, but the guy who can’t read won’t sit down and talk because he doesn’t know how to talk. Our Allies hate us, for the most part. John McCain won’t even sit down with the government of SPAIN! What the hell did Spain do to him?”
Palin looked like a deer caught in headlights. “He hates Spanish people? I do not know. He never tells me anything.”
Joe nodded his head, seemingly understanding even more than before, “No wonder you never know what you’re talking about.”
“Yeah,” Palin said nodding. “Wait! Israel is our strongest ally in the middle east. We won’t allow a second holocaust. We will protect them at all cost. I look forward to visiting the peaceful nation of Israel. America, it’s gotta commit to this.”
“Huh?” Joe asked, not aware they had changed subjects. “I think I will talk in third person and Joe Biden am a total friend of Israel. I am not sure how we got on this topic, but Bush sucks and he has failed at being a friend of Israel. For some odd reason, we seem to think we control the elections of other countries. I am not sure how this works, but Obama and Joe Biden have always been right. France is going to die because Bush did not listen to us. He failed. HA HA HA HE FAILED. Iran is trouble. They are stretching…something. Sorry, I lost my train of thought.”
“ I like the fact we both love Israel,” Palin proclaimed. “I don’t want to look backwards because I know our party sucks. I am sorry to tell you that, but you are all about CHANGE, how can you keep looking backwards? I am change. Look at me! I wear skirts! And cute shoes. I am a fashion icon. What was I talking about? Mavericks! I am one, John is one. Change is comin’.”
“Past is important. We have to look to the past in order to learn from history,” Joe reminded her. “John McCain is George Bush. He is the SAME! Only I think he can read. I haven’t heard of any differences between the two. And IT SUCKS. It is not CHANGE! WE have lost our respect. WE MUST GET IT BACK!”
“Whatever,” Palin said with a flick of hair. “Nuclear weapons! They sucks. We cannot use it. Plus, we gotta stop people from getting weapons. WE should attack those who have them with ours? Wait, did I say that? No, uh, we need to put economic sanctions on them, even though our economy sucks. Can I talk about Afghanistan? WE rock there. We are not like Bush. WE are totally different. Obama claims we are being evil in Afghanistan. That is not true. We are fighting terrorism and building schools. Just like that dude Tom Hanks played in that movie wanted.”
Joe decided to ignore Palin. “Facts matter. The General who is there right now, said our current ways will not in Afghanistan. Basically he said we suck and we need to spend more money in this place establishing government. We waste money in Iraq. It’d take seven years to spend as much money as we do in three weeks in Iraq. John McCain sucks. Remember that. He does not have a super hero suit, he sucks. He cancelled on Letterman. HE doesn’t support….oops, I ran out of time. Obama rules. He is friendly. He knows to keep nuclear weapons out of terrorist hands. He rules. Trust me. I know, I am Joe Biden and I talk in third person.”
“Dude, you are wrong. The surge principle would totally work,” Palin said. “But even if it doesn’t, we have friends there! We are not waging a war all alone there. We are building schools. You can’t build schools in Iraq.”
“Dude, where the hell do you get your information?” Joe asked.
Palin held up her pile of note cards. “These note cards.”
Joe rolled his eyes. “Oi. McCain seems to think we won in Afghanistan. Sort of like Bush thinks we won in Iraq.I have an intervention list. I want to intervene in places where those Hollywood people go. WE will WIN! I want to save the world! Because, guess what? I AM A SUPER HERO!”
Palin put her hands on her hips. “You are not. Where is your super suit?”
Joe motioned to his suit and said, “This is my super suit! Bush lied to me, by the way. I gave him the power to go to war, because he claimed he needed the power because NATO was having issues and he needed to keep economic sanctions. HE JUST WANTED TO GO GET SADDAM! And screw up a bunch of young kids. Dafur is a major issues. SAVE THE WORLD!”
Palin looked happy and said, “I thought it was, Save the cheerleader, save the world? I am a Washington outsider. I don’t understand it at all. Americans want the straight talk. They don’t want flip floppers. You don’t even really like Obama. You don’t agree with him. I watched the debates on that stuff back in Middle America Alaska. I will talk more about myself and Alaska and how wonderful I am ruling over Alaska. When I found out we were invested in evil nations, I pulled the money out and I am wonderful. I will end YOU!”
“Okay, you can’t call me Joe any more,” Joe said, looking unhappy.
Palin asked, “Huh?”
“We need to follow rules about genocide. Nations would intervene and not do nothing about it. It is horrible. If you won’t intervene, you forget your right. Let’s go back to the war thing. I don’t agree with McCain. HE SUCKS. But I still love him, do not worry. We are going to be stuck in Iraq forever because McCain was delusional because he agreed with Cheney about how it was going to be short. And we all know Bush can’t read,” said Joe.
Palin shuffled her cards and said, “I disagree. You hate Obama. I totally know it. You’re just trying to get elected, as I am, but who cares. I am not very bright and am using this odd accent. McCain rules. Trust me. I know these things. HE learns from mistakes and blunders, even if he picked me when I decided to go Hollywood. McCain knows how to win a war.”
Joe narrowed his eyes and said, “No he doesn’t. He’s not a general.”
People of St. Louis all roll their eyes and said, “Okay, you guys disagree. And what would happen if the president dies?”
Joe stood up tall and announced, “I would carry out Obama’s plans to the tee. Everything would be wonderful while the country morns our beloved leader. I would also be sad. But I would prevail and carry on and become the new Harry Potter by rejected the Bush Doctrine. We will cooperate with the world! They will love us again! This is an important election, the most since 1932, even though no one really knows what happened then!”
“Were you alive in 1932? I bet you were,” Palin announced. Joe rolled his eyes. “We are a team of mavericks, thus we don’t agree. I will do my own thing and keep my opinion and I will make good policies. I would continue his good work, by putting the government in the hands of the PEOPLE! The people of MAIN STREET AND MIDDLE AMERICA! Working class all the way! I’m all for the people!”
“Huh?” Joe asked.
Palin looked around for a moment and then shouted, “I like people! Especially the middle class ones. I like those best.”
“You are not for the little people. You like the rich folks,” Joe said, and turned to face the camera. “I like the little people. I eat with them, I socialize with them. I am one of them. This is why I talk in third person. My hood gets it and knows they got the shaft. I don’t know what middle class you are from, but not mine.”
Palin looked shocked and said, “Say it ain’t so Joe! (she really said that!) You went backwards again! I will throw some more cute catch phrases and I will talk really fast about education and in run on sentences about education really fast to get it over with quickly. Teachers need more money, I am from a house full of school teachers, we are all teachers, except me as I wanted to be a television anchor until I accidently tripped into politics. NO Child Left behind does suck, it failed, just like so many people said it would, but whatever. My kids go to public school! Aren’t I cool! Yay Education!”
And everyone gets extra credit. No idea why.
“We all know what the vp does. They do nothing!” Palin exclaimed happily.
Joe looked tired and said, “They do not. They preside over the senate.”
“Oh yeah. So I have a lot of power. Yay me!” Palin said, waving her hands around.
Joe hid his face behind his hands.
Palin went through her note cards again and said, “I want to work with children with special needs, as Trig is a special needs child and not because his name is Trig.”
Joe lifted up his head and said, “No child left behind was underfunded, hence why we left a bunch of kids behind. We suck.”
Suddenly, from the kitchen, Ireland’s husband yelled, “DID YOU EAT THE JAVA CHIP ICE CREAM AND CAKE TODAY?”
“No. I just ate the cake you gave me,” Ireland said.
“You did not. Where did all the Java Chip go?” Ireland’s husband asked.
“Uhh…I lost track of the debate,” Ireland said.
“That is okay, Ireland. You did not miss much,” Joe said, then went on. “I have a rep. I look forward to playing with OBAMA and brining in CHANGE! I LIKE CHANGE.”
Palin still looked like a kid in a candy store as she said, “I will have a ton more power as vp. Like Cheney. I will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
Joe smirked and said, “By staring at Russia from your back yard.”
Palin looked at Joe like he was finally crazy and said, “Duh. I’m going to be a flexible vp. I rock. I wear lipstick. And I have really cute shoes.”
Joe looked embarrassed to be standing in the same room as Palin. Palin shuffled through her trusty cards and announced, “I owned my own business!”
Joe lifted up his head and said, “Great. Cheney is dangerous. He’s totally running the country. He failed totally. He failed to understand the constitution. HE SUCKS HE IS EVIL! He ruled Bush. He had no authority to do anything he’s really done. He controls the nation. I am scared of him in all honesty. He seemed to think he has power. He has run the country into the ground. HE SUCKS. I AM FOR CHANGE!”
Palin looked high and mighty for a moment and asked, “Then, well, wouldn’t you be for a different type of vp?”
“No.”
That answer threw Palin so she said, “I am governor of a huge state.”
“With like ten people in it,” Ireland’s husband comments as he walked back to watch the rest of SouthPark.
“There are more people in than ten, Mr. Flight Suit,” Palin shouted. “I have a connection to the heart land of American, because I have lots of kids and am governor of a big ass state. Also, I didn’t have health care for awhile and am worried about paying for college! I am just like you! Isn’t that just the bees knees?”
“What the hell are you talking about? Ireland wasn’t paying attention to you anymore because you annoy her to no end,” Joe told Palin.
“Oh, I don’t know. I am talking about myself again,” Palin admitted.
“I have no discipline evidently, but that is okay,” Joe said. “I am old. I won’t change, I have never changed, but I am ALL FOR CHANGE! I wrote a crime bill to make this country saver. I understand what is like to be a single parent. I was one! I know what life is like for Americans. I am better off now, I have a house, but at one point I really sucked at life. Thus, I totally get it. Just like she does. People want help. They are not looking for more of the same.”
“They are looking for CHANGE!” Palin shouted, thrusting her fist in the air. “He’s a maverick. I mean, McCain is a maverick, not Joe there. I am going to talk about myself more now. I appointed my friends, but let’s not talk about that.”
Joe looked mystified. “Are you serious?”
“I am diverse. WE are all diverse and McCain will lead us to victory! We gotta win the wars! WE gotta get the economy back to what it was when…uh, that other guy was in charge. McCain is for CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!” Palin exclaimed.
“You know you should not take my tag line,” Joe commented. “I love John, but he sucks. He is not a maverick. That is just his stupid catch phrase like CHANGE is mine! HE doesn’t want to give anyone health care. He sucks. He hates education. He hasn’t been a maverick on anything that effects what MIDDLE AMERICAN is talking about. He is old and totally out of touch. I might be old, but I’m not that out of touch. I talk to Obama.”
Palin looked really tired for a moment and asked, “Are we done yet?”
People of St. Louis roll their eyes and said, “Yeah, you’re almost done with your ONLY DEBATE of this election. Oh, we remember when there were a TON of debates.”
Joe looked throughful for a moment and said, “I was a lawyer once. This somehow ties into judges. And CHANGE. Ideology is important in judges. That is why I hate Bush and his trying to CHANGE the Supreme Court. IT matters what the philosophy of this…I changed some how. I am not sure what this means and I think I am babbling.”
Palin looked alarmed for a moment, realizing she had to talk, so she said, “I voted for things I did not agree with to progress CHANGE! I failed at the support thing, but I’m still all good. I rule. In middle America Alaska. I am talking about myself again. La la la, I will bring myself to Washington and McCain will get the job done.”
“What job?” Joe challenged.
“Oh, any job,” Palin said with a flap of her hand.
“Okay…I’m going to talk about myself. I am totally able to talk people into things and change things. I question things and I get respect. I rock. Remember that, I rock and so does Obama because we LIKE CHANGE!” Joe exclaimed and punched the air.
“No, I rock. I appoint anyone. I walk the walk and I don’t just talk the talk. I am diverse. I think I might know a democrat or something.VOTE FOR ME! VOTE FOR ME!” Palin said, jumping up and down.
Joe looked embarrassed again and reminded her, “They can’t vote for you.”
Palin looked embarrassed. She said, “VOTE MCCAIN!”
“There you go,” Joe said to her like she was a three year old.
“Don’t kill jobs! Don’t increase taxes! That will KILL JOBS!” Palin announced.
Ireland looked confused and asked, “Huh?”
Palin ignored Ireland and smiled graciously at the camera and said, “Thank you for having me here. I liked meeting you and debating. I like answering the questions without the media. I like talking to the American people. McCain rules, Obama drools. Yay! Middle class, I was once one! I am totally proud to be an American! YAY! Fight for your right to parrrrtay!”
“You mean, freedom, not party,” Joe suggested.
“Yeah, yeah. We are fighting. And McCain was a war hero! HE spent five years in a box! And he’s a fighter pilot,” Palin went on.
Ireland’s husband walked into the room and said, “Jerk.”
Palin looked affronted and said, “He’s not a jerk!”
“I liked meeting you by the way,” Joe said, trying to get back on track. “You do smell good, but, we are in a total hell hole in this country and we need CHANGE in EVERYTHING and Obama will totally change this. He is Obama, the Harry Potter of the Political world. He will save us all from Voldermort and the wild pigs. Remember that. WE will still fight for your rights and freedom, but we will also fight for education, health care and respect. I will now talk about my hood and how middle class I am. Obama is also middle class. He rocks. CHANGE! CHANGE! GET UP AND CHANGE! God bless us all! Protect our troops!”
People of St Louis looked relieved and said, “The end. Thank you to St. Louis. Please come back and see some more presidential debates with some other guys only one of which I have heard of at various other locations around the country that are not St. Louis. Please remain out of East St. Louis unless you are looking for a thug dog.”
Ireland sits for a moment before she told her husband, “Well, that was a let down. Palin didn’t totally embarrass herself. Palin didn’t speak in proper English. And what the hell is a Joe Six Pack? She still annoys me to no end. Palin had issues answering the question. I think she had written answers.”
