They say (not sure who 'they' are) that when you hold a newborn, you want one.
They are wrong.
I held a newborn for the first time since EMO was one and I did not want one. In fact, I could not hand back the tiny baby fast enough. Not because it was a terrible thing, holding this wobbly baby, but due to the fact I felt horribly awkward. The mom asked if I wanted to hold the baby, I said yes, she handed him to me, and then I was transported back to the days before I was a mom and I felt horribly weird holding babies.
Now, don't get me wrong, I like babies. I always liked babies. As a kid I always wanted to hold babies, watch them, play with them. I don't remember being awkward around newborns until I was older and was faced with one and was like, "You want me to hold that thing?"
I never babysat as a teenager, like so many believed I would when I was a kid. I babysat alone twice. Once with an actual toddler and once with a seven-year-old. Any other time I was left alone with children was with a seasoned babysitter, also known as my friend J who was throughout her teen years teenager going on forty.
Diapers freaked me out.
Not knowing what the kid wanted freaked me out.
Giving birth scared the living daylights out of me.
Then, I found out what being pregnant entailed and was like, "WHY!?"
There was a time I contemplated never having kids, but it never felt right to just say, "I do not want children."
I wanted one.
Badly.
I just didn't want to give birth or be pregnant.
I said one. I said I'd have one kid.
Then I had one kid.
No sooner did I have this one kid, everyone began to tell me I'd have another one now that I knew how great it was.
It was not great. I admitted to my therapist I felt like I was being a bad mother because I'd just lay my kid on the floor and watch TV. But, honestly, what the hell do you do with a newborn who doesn't want to be held? Who wants to lie on the ground and watch her toys rather than cuddle with you?
This is what they don't tell you about newborns: they are boring.
Honest.
They are boring. They do not move, they are supposed to sleep 17 hours and when they are awake, they are usually eating. Parents are exhausted due to the fact their newborns eat every two hours and half the time refuse to sleep when they should be sleeping (like during the night) and when they are sleeping they have to do other things, like eat themselves, clean their houses, or you know, go to work. Or take a shower.
I envy the parents who have newborns who actually sleep. Like at all.
My newborn fought sleep like it was going out of style and she would not be caught dead doing it.
She still tends to fight sleep, but at least now she will sit in her crib and do it without screaming bloody murder.
I couldn't wait for her to move. Everyone told me she was going to be an early crawler because she was so damn determined to move. She didn't really crawl as much as flop around till she figured out walking.
Then she was never still.
And so much happier.
It occurred to me early on my kid was bored. She wanted to discover the world, wanted to do things, but her body wasn't ready. And it frustrated her to no end. Once she was mobile, man, the world was at her finger tips and she was raring to go.
It is a pleasure to watch her now. I still spend an abnormal amount of time on the couch watching TV, but I don't feel guilty as I can see her or hear her and she's doing her own thing. And she's happy. She plays with her toys, she clomps around in Mommy's shoes, she unloads bins, and sings "Let It Go." She sometimes wants my attention, dances with me, plays with me, and sings with me. She laughs and talks.
She is happy and I love it.
I love her at this age.
I loved her as a newborn, but I do not want her to be a newborn ever again. If I could freeze her in a stage, it'd be now. Or some point in the future. I am so excited for her to grow up, to discover the world, to make her first friend, to experience all that life has in store for her.
So, yesterday as I awkwardly held a newborn, I did not want another one. I had no desire to do it again. I went through it once and I do not want to go through it again.
I handed the baby back and hightailed it out of there. Mostly because I was starving, but also because I really wanted to hug my kid who has never felt awkward in my arms. Even when she was a floppy newborn, she wasn't awkward in my arms. She just fit.
