Also, five years ago this week, I suffered from the most crippling panic attack I've ever had.
It pretty much continued until I was back in Alaska. But, after my very public breakdown when it began (who says you can't continuously cry for 12 hours?), I kept my ongoing anxiety and panic to myself throughout the trip.
This week, I'm reliving the trip through my past Facebook posts on their handy: LOOK WHAT YOU DID IN THE PAST button.
I sound very chipper and like I'm enjoying myself.
I do not remember enjoying much.
(I wrote a huge post about the trip (leaving the panic out) but it never posted and was eaten by Blogger. I got mad, and never tried again.)
I remember being unable to enjoy any meal because my stomach was also twisting in knots. I remember worrying about meals and eating because that's just what I do when I'm in a panicking state. I remember getting so overheated I couldn't do anything other than try to calm myself down (which didn't work very well) because it was so damn hot and humid in Florida (to me, everyone else thought it was lovely). I remember that after this trip, I couldn't even manage to go to Target without having a panic attack.
Five years ago this week, panic took over my life.
Five years ago this week, I developed a disorder that took over my entire life and still controls a lot of what I do.
And I still have no idea what set me off.
I will never know because most panic disorders just kind of happen. And you don't always understand why you just have to learn to recognize the symptoms and deal with them in a way you're comfortable with.
I can't fly without a Xanax now. But, I can now ride in the car for over 45 minutes without any drugs. I can go out to eat again without drugging myself and go new places within town without taking a Klonopin. I finally found a breathing exercise that works for me to calm and slow my heart rate. I take drugs to help me sleep, but hell, I'm sleeping again so I don't care. (I also can't loose weight because of this drug but don't care because I am sleeping through the night for the first time in five years (not counting right after having a baby when I could sleep whenever and likely forever).)
Most people don't realize sometimes when I'm being socially awkward it's not actually because I'm socially awkward but because I'm having a panic attack. No one knows. Because unless I start crying, me having a panic attack pretty just looks like me sitting in a dark corner by myself watching the world go by. My husband only knows because he recognizes the breathing exercise, but the people at the auto show last year didn't know I was having a panic attack as I pushed my stroller to the entrance just by looking at me.
I looked like a mother pushing a stroller.
Underdressed, but still. There are crazy people who don't dress properly. (I am that crazy person.)
Five years ago, I felt like I was falling apart at the seams and I desperately wanted help.
Four years go, I made myself work through various panic attacks to get this help.
Due to getting help, I can walk into the Med Group and not have a meltdown, I can wear clothing that is kind of weather appropriate, and I can get in the car on a Sunday night and go to Oklahoma City and enjoy dinner with some guy I don't really know but knows my husband well.
Instead of thinking, "I can't do this," I think, "I can do this. Breathe in two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Out, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight."
