From the time I was about 12, I operated under the assumption that I was going to be something. I was never sure what the hell I was going to be, but I knew I was going to do great things and be famous. From 12 until 19, I was sure of this. I was very sure. I would plot out how I was going to do this in my journal. By the time I as 16, I assumed my writing would make me big and something.
I have no idea when I saw the VH1 show "Driven: Jessica Simpson." I remember I was sitting near the window in the family room in the chair near a table. And, tragically, I realized something about myself that would hinder in my ablity to become something big. What was this? Well, ambition and drive. I lacked those qualities in myself. I knew this, as I watched the show about how driven Jessica Simpson was to become a famous singer. I knew, I had none of that drive to do anything with my writing.
However, I still operated under the assumption that my time would come and fame would find me, or at least a publisher. After watching "Driven," I figured I would meet someone who would take me places at Beloit, because I was led to believe that important people came and went to Beloit, people with connection.
They do not. Or at least I failed to find anyone like that. I was unable to do anything really worth while professionally while I was at Beloit. I tried, do not get me wrong. I applied to a ton of internships all four years of college. I never got past the first interview. I always figured this was due to my lack of ambition and drive and one could simply tell that by my voice.
At Beloit, I also lost that assumption I'd grow up to be something big and successful. Everyone it seemed at Beloit wanted to be a writer, or something having to do with writing. Many of these people wrote better than me and they had that ambiton and drive in them to do something. I lacked that. I was sitting at my desk freshman year when I realized that I had been operating under an assumption for years that wasn't true. I wasn't going anywhere, I was not the girl going places like I had been led to believe by myself and others. I bounced from one profession to another while I was at Beloit. I arrived thinking I wanted to be a writer, then I wanted to be a lawyer, then I thought I'd try marketing and finally, by the time I was a junior I gave up trying to figure out what I wanted to be. I just knew what I did not want to be. I became listless and less driven for anything than I had been before. Everyone around me knew what they wanted to be: screen writer, dig in the dirt and find stuff, editor, puppeteer, art historian, pilot, teacher. What did I want to be?
I wanted to be Ed Whitacre. Yeah, you read that right. It was one of those random decisions I made my senior year to get people off my back about what I wanted to do with my future. The answer "I don't know" does not seem to fly when you are a senior in college and not planning to go to grad school. I took it so far to come up with a plan to become Ed Whitacre, which included a year of bumming around New Zealand. However, my mom did not like this idea in the least because it included working any sort of job for a year and then leaving. She reminded of health insurance and student loans and proceeded to crush the idea of ever becoming the CEO of AT&T. Not that I seriously thought this was a goal of mine. I lack drive and ambition, two things all CEOs have.
I graduated from Beloit with an expensive piece of paper that was in reality rather useless for anything I wanted to do. I tried to find a marketing job, they were all sales jobs in disguse. After three months of "job hunting" I gave up trying to find a good paying job that I'd like. I just wanted a job, so that was how I ended up being, for lack of name, an Administrative Assistant. This made me sort of sad because in the back of my head I still had all these allusions of gradure and Administrative Assistant didn't sound to me like a job title I really wanted (though, my job title was really Informational Servies Assistant). The job bore me at times, and after I left the job and went to do actual Admin work, I was still pretty bored most of the time.
I still have no idea what I want to do. I do not think I ever will know what I will want to do with myself. There are days this doesn't bother me at all, then there are days where it annoys the crap out of me because there is that little part of my brian that still believes I need to be someone big, famous, and influential.
But, in the end, Jessica Simpson stole my drive.
Now, do not get me wrong. I am happy in my life for the most part. I've got a great, annoying, cute dog and a great husband who I love. I wouldn't trade being famous for any of it. I wouldn't even trade fame for leaving the dirt hole. It is just that sometimes I wish I knew what to do with myself once I left this dirt hole.
I have no idea when I saw the VH1 show "Driven: Jessica Simpson." I remember I was sitting near the window in the family room in the chair near a table. And, tragically, I realized something about myself that would hinder in my ablity to become something big. What was this? Well, ambition and drive. I lacked those qualities in myself. I knew this, as I watched the show about how driven Jessica Simpson was to become a famous singer. I knew, I had none of that drive to do anything with my writing.
However, I still operated under the assumption that my time would come and fame would find me, or at least a publisher. After watching "Driven," I figured I would meet someone who would take me places at Beloit, because I was led to believe that important people came and went to Beloit, people with connection.
They do not. Or at least I failed to find anyone like that. I was unable to do anything really worth while professionally while I was at Beloit. I tried, do not get me wrong. I applied to a ton of internships all four years of college. I never got past the first interview. I always figured this was due to my lack of ambition and drive and one could simply tell that by my voice.
At Beloit, I also lost that assumption I'd grow up to be something big and successful. Everyone it seemed at Beloit wanted to be a writer, or something having to do with writing. Many of these people wrote better than me and they had that ambiton and drive in them to do something. I lacked that. I was sitting at my desk freshman year when I realized that I had been operating under an assumption for years that wasn't true. I wasn't going anywhere, I was not the girl going places like I had been led to believe by myself and others. I bounced from one profession to another while I was at Beloit. I arrived thinking I wanted to be a writer, then I wanted to be a lawyer, then I thought I'd try marketing and finally, by the time I was a junior I gave up trying to figure out what I wanted to be. I just knew what I did not want to be. I became listless and less driven for anything than I had been before. Everyone around me knew what they wanted to be: screen writer, dig in the dirt and find stuff, editor, puppeteer, art historian, pilot, teacher. What did I want to be?
I wanted to be Ed Whitacre. Yeah, you read that right. It was one of those random decisions I made my senior year to get people off my back about what I wanted to do with my future. The answer "I don't know" does not seem to fly when you are a senior in college and not planning to go to grad school. I took it so far to come up with a plan to become Ed Whitacre, which included a year of bumming around New Zealand. However, my mom did not like this idea in the least because it included working any sort of job for a year and then leaving. She reminded of health insurance and student loans and proceeded to crush the idea of ever becoming the CEO of AT&T. Not that I seriously thought this was a goal of mine. I lack drive and ambition, two things all CEOs have.
I graduated from Beloit with an expensive piece of paper that was in reality rather useless for anything I wanted to do. I tried to find a marketing job, they were all sales jobs in disguse. After three months of "job hunting" I gave up trying to find a good paying job that I'd like. I just wanted a job, so that was how I ended up being, for lack of name, an Administrative Assistant. This made me sort of sad because in the back of my head I still had all these allusions of gradure and Administrative Assistant didn't sound to me like a job title I really wanted (though, my job title was really Informational Servies Assistant). The job bore me at times, and after I left the job and went to do actual Admin work, I was still pretty bored most of the time.
I still have no idea what I want to do. I do not think I ever will know what I will want to do with myself. There are days this doesn't bother me at all, then there are days where it annoys the crap out of me because there is that little part of my brian that still believes I need to be someone big, famous, and influential.
But, in the end, Jessica Simpson stole my drive.
Now, do not get me wrong. I am happy in my life for the most part. I've got a great, annoying, cute dog and a great husband who I love. I wouldn't trade being famous for any of it. I wouldn't even trade fame for leaving the dirt hole. It is just that sometimes I wish I knew what to do with myself once I left this dirt hole.
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