I am a fuddy duddy

Well, tomorrow is Halloween. I have never been one of those people who is uber excited by this upcoming holiday. It seemed, as a child, I was always wearing the wrong costume. My mother mostly dictated what I was for Halloween based on what she could sew. Granted, I was always super adorable, but I never have the "it" costume and usually people in my own age group would make fun of me, or just stare at me blankly, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

The first costume I remember was a bear costume. I was totally adorable. Totally. I still think I was more than likely the cutest kid in preschool, even though as I stood there in all my bear glory, all I wanted to be was Rainbow Bright. Yeah, do you remember her? I sure do simply because I was not Rainbow Bright, but a bear. In kindergarden, I was a bee. Or was that first grade? I do not remember, but I was a bee because my mother paid an arm and a leg for this bee dance costume and she was damn if I was not going to wear it again. I think she even made me wear the black tap shoes she had to buy just for the damn outfit because of course, she had bought me white ones to begin with. And bees do not have white feet. Whatever grade I happened to be in, we walked through the school, and while all the kids stared at me blankly, all the teachers said, "Oh! You're so cute!"

I do not remember what I wanted to be that year, but I do remember I did not want to be a bee. In first or second grade I was Madeline. I lack red hair, so my mom made me a wig, which I hated. It was made out of bright red yarn. She had bought what claimed to be red spray for one's hair, but it was very pink when she sprayed it on a piece of paper, thus it never went in my hair. I think that year I wanted to be The Little Mermaid, which is what the girl across the street was and she had a real red hair wig, not made of yarn.

In fourth grade, my mother talked me into Bonnie from Bonnie and Clyde. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, but she did not want to spend a lot fo time on me that year due to the fact my brother was going to be Dark Wing Duck, and he had a complicated costume. Thus, she stuck me in some of her old clothes she altered to fit me and made me a "bank bag." No one had any idea I was, except my fourth grade teacher, who when she saw the bag was like, "OH! You're Bonnie!" And I was like, "Uh, yeah." This was the same teacher who had almost lost it when I was a bee with just how cute I was. Later, I got tired of explaining what I was to people, so I told them I was a French Artisit, as that seemed to make more sense to people who weren't smart enough to figure out the bank bag.

My last costume was Kirsten, the American Girl. I was her in fifth grade. I lack blonde hair, so we just crammed my hair into my bonnet and no one was any wiser. At that point in time, my eyes were still brilliantly blue, so I had that going for me. It was the least cool costume, but I do not remember caring that much in all honesty. That year, my mom FINALLY allowed me to come home at lunch to change, thus I did not have to change into my costume in the bathroom. It was a bit complicated to carry in a bag, so she finally let me come home and change.

After that, I never dressed up again really until I was in college. Sophomore year I was Buffy. I had the blonde hair by that point and I had a hair cut similar to the one she had in the second season. So, I put on a white dress, black knee high boots and a leather jacket and proclaimed I was Buffy. It went over well with my friends. In Scotland, I did not celebrate Halloween as I was in Ireland. Senior year, I was going to be Rory, but I discovered my plaid school girl skirt was a bit too short suddenly, so I wore a different skirt and an orange sweater. Everyone still thought I looked like Rory, as I had her hair. And I guess I look sort of like her when I had long hair. But after that I gave up on Halloween. I did not even wear orange or black when I was working. My department did a theme and they all dressed up as various characters from The Wizard of Oz. It was very surreal...my boss was in a Dorthy costume and looked like she was about twelve. And I had to take orders from her! It was odd. Last year, I totally missed Halloween because...uh, I think I was being forced to climb up a mountain maybe? I fail to remember.

This year I think I'll wear my "vintage" dress/tunic I made. It looks sort of mod 60s, and I have been dying to wear it, but I think it looks too 60s if I wear it alone, and I can't seem to find any leggings in the dirt hole to wear with it. Anyways, trick-o-treating here is from 6-8 pm, which to me seems stupid and late. I don't want people ringing my doorbell all through dinner. Evidently, I am the only one who believe that trick-o-treating should be right after school from 3-6. As a kid, I hated waiting till three to go. I can't imagining coming home from school and having to wait three hours to go. A half hour was long enough. Plus, as a kid I hated going after dark as it was colder and I couldn't see where I was going and I felt strange interprupting people's dinner. But I guess I am just a fuddy duddy.

I did finally go buy candy today. My husband claimed if we bought it this past weekend I'd just eat it all. What I forgot to buy was a block fo Velveeta cheese and some chili. Here's the reason I need chili:

I was supposed to be born on Halloween. But, due to the fact I was me at the time, I didn't want to come out and waited around for two more days, putting my mother through a lot of pain, as I thought I might want to come out on Halloween, but then I changed my mind. Anyways, on Halloween night, my mom made chili. It became a tradition for us to have chili on Hallween night after that. We were never big on traditions on our family, and as we got older, my mom seemed like to kill any we had, but my dad always stopped her from killing that one. Last year on Halloween, I failed to eat chili becasue I wasn't home. This year, I'll have to go get some at the grocery store. Maybe I'll get some cheese when I go out again?

since you've been gone

well, today is a rather big day. many moons ago, on this very day, I decided I wanted to get married. So, I did. And here I am now, married. And old.

Today, in the mail, I got a coupon to Ann Taylor Loft. In honor of my upcoming birthday (yeah, I decided to get married around my birthday. Just to torture my husband.) I also got a reminded to buy life insurance from my credit union so I could get in on my current age rate, and not my soon to be new age rates. I am not going to be using either of these items as a) there isn't an Ann Taylor Loft for at least 200 miles and b) I have had life insurance since I was about four days old. My dad is prepared for everything. I had no idea I had this insurance until he decided after I graduated from college that I should pay it. So, that was when I found out I had life insurance.

This past weekend, my husband and I tried to figure out how to celebrate our anniversary. Seeing we live in a dirt hole, we were lacking in options. We could go to a restaurant that might serve us bad food for an outrageous price, or eat at home and have it be good. So we ate at home. This morning, I found my present on the wall of our living room. My husband conspired with D in order to get it here and not allow me to find it. I am not sure how he did this all, as it is a large picture and I did find the tube it came in. It was in the trunk of my husband's car. Addressed to me. So, yes. Last night he said to D, "Hey, can you bring that thing I gave you to hold on to tomorrow morning?"

This made little sense to me, due to the fact I would be alone in the house all day while he was off flying in circles. With D. Thus, wouldn't it have made more sense to have D bring it later? Well, it was here this morning when I woke, and of course I cried when I saw the picture, as it was a picture of the place we got married. Maybe he did it this way so he wouldn't be around while I stood there and cried? No idea.

On a totally different note, lately I've been carrying a purse that I've has since I was 17. Or maybe 16. I honestly cannot remember when I got this purse. I remember getting it. I remember why I got it. This girl in my Chemistry class had it and I thought it was a really cool purse. It was a basic black purse. It had a stiff handle/arm hole and was made out of canvas. It looked sort of like a Prada purse, but it was made by Guess? before Guess? went all whacko and tacky. I think I paid 50 bucks for this purse and I loved it. I had a friend who called it my armpit purse, because it pretty much sits right under your arm pit when you wear it on your shoulder. This purse freaked this friend out a little, but not as much as my half round mini backpack Ralph Lauren Sport bag I had. I do not know why she was freaked so much by it, but she was. She was under the impression I think I bought purse to freak her out. But that was not why I got it. I got it because to me it seemed a bit more grown up than the purses I had been carring around. I viewed it as an investment, as to me 50 dollars (or whatever it cost at the time) was a lot of money. I carried it for a long time too, I think. It was a great school purse, and when I did break down and buy another cheap purse at Target, I missed the Guess? purse. Every now and then, I'd bring it out again and carry it around, remembering why I loved it.

I got it out the other day. It was squished on the shelf in the Man Room of our house, along with my other black purse I bought for I think 10 bucks last winter when I was job hunting and needed a purse that fit my resume. The Guess? purse has seen better days. The main body of the purse is loosing its shape, but that darn handle is still stiff as the day I bought it. Besides a little sagging in the body, the purse is still good. Though, I discoved it lacks a cell phone pouch. This amazed me as I stared into the purse. I had a cell phone when I bought the purse, but at that time I guess cell phones weren't that big of a thing, as the purse did not have a pocket in it for the phone. I think I spent awhile staring at the purse, wondering what to do with my phone, as it is a newer phone and I'd like to keep it nice. I ended up tossing it in the pocket I used for personal items. So, I've been carrying this ancient Guess? purse around for awhile now. And I am still amazed just how much I love it. (even if it lacks a cell phone pocket.) Since arriving in the dirt hole, I've been carrying a lot of my older purses. I am not sure why, but I have. No one ever says I have a cute purse or anything. The only time people have said anything about my purse is when I carried my Coach purse for awhile. But, who cares. I like my ancient Guess? purse.

At least he's not bored...

It seems, Mr. Conrad Black has gotten himself a "job" while he is sitting around his prison cell in Florida. He's been writing like crazy since he got there, but now he's working for the Daily Beast.

Whoa. First off, he wrote an article about McCain and how he failed when he needed to be totally hard core. He titled it "McCain Missed A Trick." Now, Conrad doesn't truly lay out a good plan of attack...he is mostly just using his usual huge ass words and waffling along. But he has generated himself press, something I bet he misses.

Today, an article on FDR appeared. I have a feeling Mr. Black thinks he's a major know it all when it comes to FDR, as he did write a book on the man. However, it seems he might need an editor, as pointed out here. I wonder if they have those in prison?

it seems you wish to give me a lifetime of discounts

Four years ago, I lived in Scotland for awhile. (And I know it was four years ago, because I was over there for the last election, which they were UBER excited about there.) Anyways, I spent a lot of time in Boots. At first my dad thought I was buying boots all the time, on a daily basis. However, I explained to him nicely that I was not buying boots (though I really wanted this kick ass pair of knee high boots at the time, but you could not buy those at Boots). I explained what Boots exactly was: a drugstore (or as they call it there a chemist.) About a day later, he figured out that Boots was really called Boots the Chemist and did not sell boots.

About a week into my life in Scotland, I decided to fill out the little card and get a Boots Advantage Card. It made sense to me as I was going to there awhile and I seemed to be spending a lot of time in Boots. (Which is not that strange, as when I was state side I spent a lot of time in Walgreens.) I am not sure what it is about drug stores, but I love them. I hardly ever actually buy drugs at these drugs stores, but I tend to buy a lot of other things. So, this Advantage Card made total sense to me. By the time I left the country I had managed to get close to 50 or so more pounds on the card, and I managed to get a few nice things for "free." I think when I came home there was still roughly about 5 pounds on the card, which now lives in a scrap book.

Anyways, I left Scotland and came back home and moved back into, well, Target. I left Walgreens for Target in all honesty, but that is another story. Anyways, I did not hear a peep out of Boots until about a year later, when a friend of mine sent me an email in all caps proclaiming TARGET SOLD BOOTS PRODUCTS. Granted, none of the products were the ones I feel in love with (Their Tea Tree Oil line was adored by me and others), but it was still excited to walk down an isle in my local Target and see BOOTS prodcuts. Amazing really.

Then, about a few weeks ago...Boots began to send me emails. Seriously, emails. I was confused on where they had gotten my address. Then I remembered, I had forked over my old email address when I signed up for the card. However, why some four years later did they suddenly miss me? I figured it was a fluke, but the emails have been steadily flooding in since this break of silence. So, today, after getting an email telling me about a half off sale, I decided to write a post about this odd happening. And guess what? Due to the face that TARGET sells Boots now, they have a US WEBSITE! I was shocked beyond all known words as I stared at this. Now, granded they do not sell EVERYTHING that the UK Boots site does (No Tea Tree and Witch Hazel line here, nor FCUK either...tragic, I know), but it is a website to buy thier stuff. But, I do not think this has anything to do with the fact that I began to get emails. Nope. My emails are still all in British, and about British sales, so they still think I live in Scotland at a joint that is no longer a house. It is an office building now! But, it was still interesting.

Almost as interesting as the day my husband and I walked into Walmart here and they were putting up Christmas Trees. In October. Early October, when they should still be freaking out about Halloween. As I walked into find all these horridly ugly trees, I thought, "Oh, this is just like in Scotland! Sort of skip over Halloween in favor of Christmas!" And within a few days, I had a Boots email about their online Christmas sale.

Lovely.

The City that Has No People, Suddenly Has Many

I lived in St. Louis for about nine months. I worked in St. Louis for at least six of those nine months. I had an interview in downtown St. Louis during Christmastime. It was midday and there was NO ONE ON THE STREETS. It was totally creepy walking around the streets near Macy's and the street being void of people. It was something I was just unable to comprehend, being from Chicago, where during the week there are a TON of people on the streets and at Christmas time there is hardly room for people on the streets. Every time during those nine months we lived there, neither my husband nor I ever saw people on the streets, except during a baseball game. However, I guess there are quite a few people in St. Louis.

And I guess it is not the Christmas rush that brings the poeple out of hiding in St. Louis, but Barack Obama simply saying "Hey, just meet me in St. Louis, okay?" Who woulda thunk?

The Truth About Jess the Mess

When I was a senior in college, my last semester a took a class about dogs. It was an English class and we read books about dogs. I cannot remember the name of the class, but it was catchy because it was a Tom McBride class and I think he spent a lot of time naming his classes. The final paper for the class was to be about how we like dogs (and cats too) because they bring us closer to nature due to the fact we name them thus giving them agency.

In all honesty I was not all that into this class for various reasons, one simply being it was an English class and I had found out a few days into my first college English class that I hated English classes. I took the class for two reasons: 1) I needed another class to round out my schedule and 2) It was Tom McBride and I knew he'd let me into the class because he liked me (even if I thought for a long time he was freaked out by me because he found me one spring day my junior year murdering a paper with a pair of scissors). Anyways, on the last day of class, Tom McBride began talking (and talking) about how we humanize dogs (and cats too) because we name them, making them like us and thus bringing us closer to nature.

And the only thing I could think was: OMG! I totally made my computer humanized because I named it! My computer (who is named Jess) had agency because I named it. I have it a personality! I connected the the computer a deeper level because I gave it a name! However, as I laughed at this in my sleep deprived state on late May, I realized that Jess did not bring me closer to nature by giving it a name, which was why Tom McBride claimed we named dogs and kept them around. And, no matter how much social construction I give the computer, in the end he is still a computer no matter how much personality he displays to me (and my dad). I went on with the final paper babbling about how dogs and cats connect us to nature and tragically no matter how many electoric items I name, they will not bring me closer to nature.

This paper seemed a fitting end to my college career for various reasons. One, senior year was the year I began naming things left and right. I had always sworn objects (almost all objects) had some sort of personality. My first cell phone had a mind of its own, thus it was nicknmaed the Getto Phone (spelled wrong because that was how strange the phone was). It would claim I had text messages, when I was unable to recieve them. For days on end it would claim I had voice mail, when I never did. It would turn itself off, ring for no reason, and once for a whole week it just stopped working all together for no reason that was ever explained. Since I was a small child I talked to things that would not talk back. I have always spoken to the computer, the printer, the radio, the car. However, one day while trying to figure out why my laptop of a year was acting like a teenage, broody boy it hit me he was acting like the Jess character from Gilmore Girls. Thus, I just started calling him Jess. My dad started calling him Jess. My friends started calling him Jess. We all acted like Jess was a person, as I swear to god he can hear me.

I came across a few people in my days that do not believe that Jess has a personality. I have had many arguments with them that my electoric objects do have personalities and they just think I am nuts. I think maybe Tom McBride thought I was nuts while reading my final essay of my undergraduate career. It was about my computer. And dogs. I ended the paper with the suggestion that I maybe should get a dog or cat, as all Jess did was bring me frustration rather than joy, as a cat or dog would.

It is three years later. I still have Jess (he seems to behave better in his later years now and gotten over the fact he is a Dell computer with an Apple sticker over the Dell logo) and I do not have a dog, or cat. I did baby sit a dog this past weekend (or dog sit.) Thus, it got me to thinking about my computer essay.

the complication of chain link fences

For those of you who actually know me, you know that I am not a huge dog fan. Usually, I am borderline terrified of dogs. This is due mostly to their nature to jump on me and bark at the same time. I understand this is perfect dog-like behavior, but still. I do not enjoy it.

I never had an urge to own a dog. I never thought I would even entertain the idea.

Then...my husband went away for a month and I sat alone in an apartment for a month and suddenly, a dog seemed like a good idea.

I think I mentioned it to him once, and he told me I was crazy. You see, my husband is one of the few people I have come across that likes dogs, but he doesn't want one. He just wants to enjoy other people's dogs.

Thus, when I began thinking about dogs a lot after we got here (I have all ready named the dog several times), he always told me I was nuts and I did not want a dog. He would tell me all the things we could not do once we had a dog. This used to work. Now I just go off and find ways to prove him wrong. Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a dog in a town about two hours from Dirt Hole USA. I spent almost all day yesterday looking at the web site, always coming back to the dog she sent him. (She is on my side to obtain a dog, because she loves dogs and I think wishes to become a crazy dog lady.) As the day wore on and I kept saying and looking at dogs, my husband said, "Fine. You can get a dog IF YOU PUT THE FENCE IN."

He was silly enough to think this would deter me. I had all ready been plotting to put a fence in fora few days. So, I walked into the study and began to research putting in a fence. The neighbor hood we live in only allows chain link fences, so I looked at those. The only place in teh dirt hole that had the option of pricing them online was Home Depot. Now I do not know a lot about putting in a fence, and my husband who has built a numerous fences over his life time refused to help me, I had to figure out the price on my own. Using Home Depot prices, I figured about 200 dollars. My husband rolled his eyes.

Later, we were hanging out with our friends (one of which is the future crazy dog lady) and both of them had put in a fence (okay, one supervised, one did the hard work). They seemed to think I would not need much, could get it cheaper at this store that did not have a website and this could all be done.

"YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO ENCOURAGE HER!" my husband yelled.

He should have found someone else to try to diswade me, but not the people who enourged me by getting a dog who I now want.

I also think he failed to realize he had challenged me. It was almost like my mother telling me that if I got my ears pirced I would never wear earrings.

I always wear earrings.

i want give you caaaannndddeeee

So, today, I was tooling through Google News and came upon something that caught my eye: Hugh Hefner splits from Holly Madison. Now, one would think that this would have no barring on my being, yet it does. Tragic I know. I will let you in on a secret: I watch The Girls Next Door and I LIKE IT! OOH NO!!!!!!!!

Anyways, it seems things for Hef aren't going too good, as Kendra is always leaving him. You know, I do not know what he expects. These are all YOUNG GIRLS and he is a VERY OLD MAN.

Anyways, the show has always fascinated me because of what it is and at times I just do not understand. I am an addict of things that I do not understand (WHERE DID SARAH PALIN GET HER ACCENT?!) and Girls Next Door is one of those things I just do not truly understand, yet I cannot look away. It is like watching Passions. I could not understand it, yet I could not look away (until it left NBC for Direct TV or something...or went off the air?) However, I do understand that the show is about Hef's three live in girlfriends. And he just lost two of them. Evidently, Bridget is still around, but abraod...FILMING A SHOW FOR THE TRAVEL CHANNEL!!!!!!

Did I ever tell you that my dream is to be Samantha Brown? Well, it is. And now Bridget is a step closer to being like Samantha Brown because she got a show on the Travel Channel. I am sad.

However, shortly after finding that Bridget might beat me to my dreams of being on the Travel Channel, per a German website, I find out that all three girls have new boyfriends and thus this is why they are leaving Hef. Kendra is enganged?! I....I....I...don't understand!

But I digress, Hef isn't totally heart broken over the loss of two girlfriend (Holly being the "love of his life") as he has clearly moved onto something that is the sterotypical male wish: twins. At the same time. And from that picture on the right, they look like they are orange twins. (Someday, I would like someone to explain to me why people thing that this whole orange thing is atttractive.)

I just told my husband about Kendra and Holly and he asked, "Which one is the ghetto one?"
"Kendra?"
"She's leaving? She's the whoel show!"

pogo popping

I have not seen a pogo stick for years. were pogo sticks ruled dangerous by the over protective mothers of today and thus no longer available for kids to fall off of? I bet that is why I do not see pogo sticks.

In other news, tonight is the presidential debate (or town house meeting debate thing they have invented because McCain likes town hall meetings because he is old and watches too much Gilmore Girls). I will watch them, maybe doing something like I did last time. I don't know truly. We will have to see if I am able to stand.

I actually did a program this morning during my work out and I feel the pain, so my husband would be proud. He believes a good work out causes massive amounts of pain. Personally, I think he is INSANE, but that is why I love him.

In the days since the Veepee debates, I have learned they were a let down in the sense that Palin failed to make a complete idiot of herself. She just re-established she is a moron and refuses to listen and wants to do her own thing. As the Saturday Night Live Skit pointed out, she liked to say she was going to talk about something that had nothing to do with the question at hand. And yet, as The Daily Show pointed out last night, there were no gafs. Total tear.

In other news, there is no other news. The ecnomy is failing, people are panicing and I still live in a dirt hole. The end.

Extra Change for Drills

Ireland Scott, your typical 20 something American, sat down in front of her TV Thursday night and squealed, “Whooo! VP DEBATE!”

Crickets sound all around her.

“Okay, not all that exciting in reality, but seriously, I missed the debate with the actual presidents, so I MUST watch the VP debate,” said Ireland. “Plus, I must see for myself Sarah Palin and her stupid accent yap and flail about like the idiot she really is.”

Ireland settled into the couch and curled up to watch the excitement. Realizing she doesn’t like the new achers on ABC, she switched to CBS as the debate actually started.

“Who is Gwen Ifill? Am I supposed to know her? And how come her name was up for only like five seconds?” Ireland asked, however, she is distracted by what Gwen is saying. “Ooo, domestic matters. And foreign matters. I wonder if Palin will mention she can see Russia from her house. AWWW, the audience will remain polite. That is nice of them. Blah, blah, blah, it is okay to clap right NOW!”

And out walked Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.

“Can I call you Joe?” Palin asked with a huge smile.

“I don’t care what you call me, go back to Minnesota,” Joe said with an equally huge smile.

Looking confused, Pail corrects him. “I’m from Alaska.”

“I know that is what you claim,” Joe said dryly.

Palin, however, just shrugs her shoulders. “Well, whateveah. Should we debate something?”

“Yes, that is why I am here in St. Louis rather than in Delaware. With my family. Who all have somewhat normal names,” Joe said, walking across the stage to his podium.

“Oh, how adorable. Should we talk about the bail out plan?”

Joe stared at Palin, who has followed him over to his podium. “Sure. Go to your own podium and then let’s go.”

“I am a Washington outsider,” Palin said and walked across the stage to the other podium. “I don’t know how things work, so you start about how much it sucked, I mean, what it was, and I will read these massive amount of notes someone gave me.”

Joe turned to face front and looked right at the camera and started with, “I thank you from the bottom of my heart and will not answer the question until the last moment. I will waffle on, and blame Bush Boy for the failures of the nation. Republicans suck. Wall Street is a bunch of wild pigs running all over mucking up New York City. However comma, OBAMA WILL TOTALLY SAVE US ALL FROM THE WILD PIGS AND THE REPUBLICANS! I will go find Harry Potter (aka OBAMA) and he will kill Voldermort again (the CEOS) and Potter will save the world! Wait, what was the question? Oh, yeah, OBAMA is Harry Potter. So, vote for Potter!”

The people of St. Louis who are sitting in front of Joe all look at one another and asked, “Harry Potter? Really? Where is Harry Potter? Isn’t Harry Potter busy being naked on stage somewhere?"

Palin suddenly realized that Joe had stopped talking and it was her turn. She decided to follow Joe’s lead and thank people for allowing her to talk. “I totally also thank you for allowing me to talk again and annoy you with my voice. Oh yeah, totally go to your kid’s soccer game and I betcha you will find a fear of Harry Potter. I mean, the stock market. Harry Potter wouldn’t be at your kid’s soccer game! He’s busy being naked. We do not need no Harry Potter to save us! We all fear about going to college and keeping jobs. Our economy is totally hurting, you betcha, but it is not the Republicans fault. John McCain is totally going to reform. He is a maverick (don’t ask me to define that). He sounded that stupid bell and no one listened to him because he was kicked out of the Bush club. Just ignore the fact that he is back in the club and VOTE FOR ME! I mean, uh, McCain. VOTR MCCAIN!”

Joe jumped up and down for a moment trying to regain people’s attention. He said, “I deal with controversial issues. I have no idea what I am talking about half the time, but at least I do not sound like I was a miss placed person who sounds like they are Minnesota. I have 35 years of training to sound like I know what I am talking about. Watch: Something about sidelines….something about the economy…”

Palin rolled her eyes and smiled. “When John McCain said the economy was strong, he was totally talking about the people, not the actual economy. Our American workers are STRONG! They will save us! Well, if not, that 700 billion dollars will save us. We are reformers! We are marvericks! Even if I do not know what that means…Obama only votes along his party lines. He is…Harry Potter. What does he know about actually leading? He has a hero complex. We are tired of old politics,” Palin said. She dropped her voice to a whispered, “That guy Joe is old.”

People of St. Louis all looked at one another again and asked, “Uh, did you even answer that question you posed about the bail out bill? And really, we know that Obama isn’t Harry Potter. And maybe we need a hero to save us from greedy investors.”

Ireland’s husband, meanwhile was in the kitchen making himself dinner after a hard day of work. He yelled loudly, “KILL THEM! GREEDY INVESTORS!”

Palin realized she was about to loose the audience so she cried, “There was deception on Wall Street!”

Ireland husband meanwhile ran from the kitchen and yelled, “IT WAS NOT DECEPTION!”

Palin was still desperately trying to get the audience back on her side, she tossed out some cute catch phrases for the silly Americans.

“Let’s commit to Joe six pack! Hockey mom’s…demand strict oversight. My bangs are too long. They keep getting in my eyes,” Palin blows her hair out of her eyes and went on. “And don’t live outside your means. It’s not your fault the economy is hurtn’ like it is, but you know, it is really your fault. You should know what you can and cannot afford. But is not your fault that banks are greedy. You should have known that though.”

Something clicked in Joe’s head as Palin was speaking. So, he begins right after Palin finallys shuts up.

“OBAMA knew this was going to happen. He can see the future,” Joe said, while thinking that Palin can too, but she failed to realize this. She can see Russia from her house! Russia is in the future, thank you to the international date line. Palin can see tomorrow! “But no one listened to him, and the wild pigs ran wild and the Republicans deregulated Wall Street and the wild pigs ran wild and totally ran over OBAMA. But he survived! Because he is Harry Potter, the kids who just won’t die! Ask Voldermort.”

Meanwhile, back at Chez Scott, Ireland’s husband stated, “I hate the split screen. She can’t pick her nose if she needs to.”

“Why would she have to pick her nose” Ireland asked.

“Or at least get her hair out of her eyes. It keeps moving as she talks and its distracting,” Ireland husband said, following after the hair.

Now, in St. Louis, Joe and Palin are still debating one another.

“I am now talking about gas and another guy named Joey,” Joe said. “I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but it is important. Oh yea! No one has money to fill their gas tanks. CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE!”

“ I think I wanna talk about taxes right now,” Palin said, looking at her note cards. “I don’t seem to have a note card about gas. So I will talk about taxes. I am not sure what the question is, but I’m going to talk about taxes. Barack did not side with the people and he created HUGE TAXES 94 times. Tax relief will CREAT JOBS!”

Back in the dirt hole, Ireland is confused. She asked, “What I do not understand how tax relief creates jobs? Where are we going to get money in order to run the country if there is no money?”

However, Palin is not listening and yelled, “Tax raises loose jobs!”

“That is totally not true!” Joe exclaimed. “Plus, OBAMA and McCain voted the same way on what you are talking about, you dolt. I know you want to pick your nose. Stop looking at the desk. I rule.”

“NO you are wrong,” Palin announced. “I am going to start talking about myself and plug myself. I am a wonderful person and I totally gave tax breaks to my people as governor. Alaska has so much money we pay people to live there! I am wonderful and I have experience and I can run this country…”

Buzzer goes off somewhere.

“SHUT UP!” Ireland shouted. “You’re out of time! Ha ha! We will still be talking about taxes. I am not sure what is going on, as I am busy typing this. At least the split screen went away.”

“I like being fair. The middle class is having major issues,” said Joe. “Emotional, financial, and educational. They cannot pay their bills. That stupid tax breaks you talk about, well, no one was aided. Under OBAMA everything will be better. There will be CHANGE! CHANGE! THERE WILL BE CHANGE!”

Ireland suddenly remembered something. “Simple fairness…basically Joe is totally all for the middle class. Which makes sense, as he is middle class. I am serious. He and his wife together only made a little more than my dad. The wealthy will not be getting tax cuts. Bush gave the rich people tax cuts. He totally gave rich people tax breaks. Ask Bill Clinton, who is now rich. Or maybe not any more…I don’t know.”

Palin finds a note card and exclaims, “Dude, the rich people tax bracket also includes the small businesses.”

Joe just smiled.

“I live in middle America!” Palin announced.

People of St. Louis all look confused. “Huh? Don’t you live in Alaska? How is that in middle America? You are in Middle American right now, and you are very far from Alaska.”

Palin ignored them and went on with, “Lower taxes will allow us to grow and prosper. Barack only wants to spend money. HEALTH CARE! I like health care. Barack is okay about health care. But McCain is better. He will give tax credits, while Barack is totally going to take over health care. Something about a tax break for a 5000 dollar plan or something.”

Ireland’s husband tossed something at the TV and said, “That won’t help people who don’t’ even make 5000 dollars. Idiot.”

Palin ducked away from the item tossed and said in a pleading voice, “I am reading my notes. Yeah, I’m talking to you guy in flight suit.”

Ireland’s husband looks totally freaked out. Joe meanwhile, uses this silence from Palin to jump to his next point.

“I don’t know where to start. I am from the east coast and I do not want to give the oil companies another tax break. I WANT TO TAX THEM TO DEATH!” Joe exclaims. “And those small business wouldn’t get increases. They are not RICH AMERICANS. They are middle class mostly. Unless they happen to be Bill Gates. John McCain’s health care plane, taxes you if you have a health care benefits through your company to give you the 5000. That money goes straight goes to the insurance companies, and you will NEVER SEE IT UNLESS SOMETHINGH HORRID HAPPENS TO YOU. THAT IS TOTAL RIP OFF. Twenty million of you will be dropped from your plans through work because of this crappy plan McCain planned out with the insurance companies to fleece America. If elected, this plan will be on that special called THE FLEECING OF AMERICA. This SUCKS. Totally the ultimate bridge to nowhere.”

Sarah Palin laughed. The world laughed loudler. Ireland’s husband has had enough and announced, “I want to watch Futurerama. How was yoga? Are you in pain?”

“I am TALKING ABOUT MONEY IRELAND! LISTEN TO ME!” Joe yelled.

Ireland ignored Joe yelling at her and said to her husband. “I am fine. Yoga was okay. Go into the bedroom to watch Futurerama.”

“LISETN TO MEEEEEEEEEE!” Joe pleaded. “I am not talking about education! I read that book about the world is flat, and we need to learn stuff to compete in the world market! Health care is important! Look at the British! They have a good health care plan. Oh no, light is blinking. 100 billion tax dodge, which allows people to avoid taxes by taking their mail box off shores. THEY DO NOT PAY TAXES! THEY AREN’T AMERICAN PROUDLY!”

Palin smiled and announced, “McCain rules. He straight talks. Not in a circle. He is wonderful. I will talk about our energy plan. Obama voted for the oil company tax breaks. I had to take on the oil companies in Alaska and stand up to them. I HAD TO TELL THEM TO GET LOST! (but not really, because I neeeed their money to pay my citizens to stay in Alaska.) But they are not my biggest fans because I totally broke up a monopoly with my HOCKEY STICK AND LIPSTICK! I rule. Vote for me! I mean, McCain! Barack Obama sucks and he made my life hard. I had to undo them. I have only been at this five weeks, but I will do what is right for the American people. I will slaughter the wild pigs and save America! I will wear a super hero suit!”

“Huh?” Joe asked, looking at Palin, who’s hair is even more in her eyes after her impassioned speech.

“I am SUPER HERO GIRL!” Palin yelled quiet desperately.

“Whatever,” Joe said. Palin seemed to get a hold of herself and patted her hair down while Joe went on. “OBAMA wanted to eliminate the oil company tax breaks. McCain is wishes to give the oil companies tax breaks. I want to give Americans 1000. McCain doesn’t support windfall taxes or something. He wants to give the oil companies money. Mostly because he needs more money to support his wife’s face.”

Palin gives Joe a blank look, as she does not have a note card about McCain’s wife’s face.

“I dunno,” Joe said with a shrug.

“Economy! Changes! I want to talk about change! CHANGE!” Palin shouted. “Wall Street is greedy. John McCain wanted to reform Wall Street. He wanted to save the world two years ago! NO one wanted to help. McCain tried to warn the whole world about the crash of the economy. I cannot speak proper English in this odd ball accent I have, but that is okay. At least I do not make up words like Bush do. I grew up on Main Street and Middle America.”

“You are from Alaska, that is not Middle America,” Joe reminded Palin. “I’m going to talk about bankruptcy. OBAMA and I do not always agree, but we still like one another. It is all good. McCain was totally surprised by the mortgage crisis. He had no idea it would happen. Why? HE IS A REPUBLICAN! OH NO! RUN!”

Palin looks alarmed and confused. “Run?”

“I believe John McCain and the governor do not support certain things I like,” Joe stated.

“YOU LIE! But I do not have enough time to tell you why, so I will just talk about myself again and energy,” Palin said, changing the subject. “WE totally have to allow the nation to become energy independent. WE are giving away too much money to places who HATE US.”

Ireland rolled her eyes. “And why do they hate us? Oh, wait, its because WE SUCK AND WE ATTACK THEM!”

“National security! Energy plans! Who care about tax breaks! Heck! I love this country!” Palin exclaimed.

People of St. Louis look confused again and ask, “Climate Change? True? False? Debated? What causes it?”

Palin stood up taller and said, “I am from Alaska. There is snow there and we totally see change. But, man didn’t cause it. IT happens. Duh, I mean, man sorta helped, but it was GOD. I don’t really want to talk about that. I want to talk about what will be done to clean up the planet! It will be a totally international thing. And more about me, I am totally for this, as I was the first person to set up a SAVE THE PLANET thingy in my cabinet as Governor of Middle America. Alternative source, stop driving SUVS! Unless you are a hockey mom, then you sort of half to…you know to be able to drive all that stuff around.”

Joe rolled his eyes. He said, “Climate change is man made. I know this. She doesn’t understand the cause. Thus, she will not have a good solution. I know what caused it: MAN! WE are greedy oil eaters and are killing the earth. 20 times, McCain voted AGAINST alternative energy. He only likes it now because its totally in vogue. Obama was always for this stuff before it became the totally in fashion thing to do. Obama is great. OBAMA! LOVE HIM! CHANGE! Create jobs! McCain kills jobs. HE wants to drill, drill, drill, drill. Ten years, we wont’ have oil and we will have issues.”

People of St. Louis still look confused. “Caps on emissions. What the hell is going on?”

Palin suddenly remembered something. She exclaimed quite happily, “Drill baby drill! People want us to drill. Duh. We must totally destroy our country to get the oil. And, well, we’ll do some more “green” things, but DRILL BABY DRILL! OBAMA SUCKS! He doesn’t want to drill. He sucks. You think that drilling is rapping.”

Ireland’s husband wondered back into the room and asked, “Do we have any apple sauce? I want to outsmart people. Out running them doesn’t work. This will work. I think it should work!”

People of St. Louis yelled, “OH NO! Out if time!”

“YOU WERN’T LISTENING,” Joe yelled at Ireland. “But that is okay. I like civil rights for people who are in solid, committed relationships no matter what persuasion they are. We are all the same.”

Ireland’s husband started making a lot of noise in the kitchen and said, “You can have cake now. But you have to walk in here to get it.”

Ireland exclaimed, “WHOO HOO!”

Palin fails to realized that Ireland has left the room and went on with, “I hate gays, but I am tolerant, but unwilling to redefine marriages and stuff like that. Straight up, America, we cannot redefine marriage. It’s a man and woman thing. I’m totally traditional.”

“Well, I do not want redefine marriage. I just want to give them rights,” Joe stated.

Palin nodded her head a few times and said, “Rights are cool. I am tolerant. I have gay friends. So, yeah, I guess if they are really committed those people can have similar rights to married women and men. Who are married to each other.”

“That is what I said,” Joe reminded her.

Palin looks confused. “I think I am confused. Did we just agree?”

Joe now looks alarmed. “Uh, yeah, we did.”

“I am scared. Let’s talk about Iraq. We wont’ agree there,” Palin suggested.

“Sure,” Joe said.

Palin went through her note cards and pulled out one and said, “I want to get out in a way, but I’m going to talk about a guy who hasn’t been charge in four years in Iraq. Mostly because I have his name written down.”

“You should watch South Park. Its funny,” Ireland’s husband yelled from the bedroom.

Palin realized that South Park might be better than her so she yelled, “Obama flip flopped! I have a plan for withdrawal. We cannot loose there, we must fight terrorism. We must win in Iraq!”

Joe got a knowing look on his face and said, “I think we did win. Didn’t Bush proclaim victory awhile ago?”

Palin flapped her hand at him and said, “Blah, blah, blah. American will win! WE MUST WIN!”

Palin pounded her fist on the podium a few times for effect. Joe raised an eyebrow and gave her a dry smile.

“Was there a plan in there?” he asked. “I don’t think so. OBAMA has a plan. John McCain voted the same way Obama did about the whole funding. That was the time line bill. He did not want a time line. I guess Obama didn’t either, but that is not the point. WE NEED A PLAN! Obama has a plan. He’s got CHANGE on his side!”

Sarah Palin fell asleep during Joe’s speech. He did not look very happy about that and yelled, “WAKE UP!”

Palin jerked awake and cried, “Oh! Your plan sucks. It’s like a white flag saying we give up. WE CANNOT GIVE UP! WE MUST WIN! And that will not happen till the Iraq people do what we want, and they seem to be having issues doing that. But we are getting closer.”

“Sure,” Joe said slowly, looking at her like she had lost her mind, which she did, but no one knows exactly when.

“You said Obama wasn’t ready to lead and you wanted to fund them. Obama is a total story teller. Ha!” Palin shouted, thinking she’d gotten the upper hand on Joe.

“John McCain supported the bill against to protect MY SON!” Joe yelled, looking very angry. Sarah shrunk back. “HE did not like the timeline. He hated the timeline. Dick Chaney is an idiot. No one listens to me ever, which is a total surprise to me as I do not know what I am doing him. McCain is dead wrong on fundamental issues. Obama has been pretty damn right. Plus, CHANGE! McCain failed to read history books. This will cause him to repeat history like another Republican who can’t read….I think we know who I am talking about. Nucelar weapons are bad. We got to do something.”

Not really having a note card to tell her what to do, Palin yelled, “Iraq!”

“NO! Al-Quada is everywhere!” Joe reminded her. “They are in places that are sort of unstable places. We need support democracy and stop worrying about Iraq so much. They are busy hating one another. Bin Ladin lives in Pakistan.”

Palin looked very serious and said, “Oh, Pakistan is trouble. And the war on terror is in Iraq. Some military dude and the leader of Al-Quada said that. So we must trust them, not the facts. Iran is trouble. BOMB IRAN! Bobbbb bobbb Iran!”

Joe looked rather freaked out and confused for a moment and asked, “Are you singing? Do you even know what you are talking about? The leader of Al-Quada wouldn’t tell us where they are based! They are terrorist! They want to freak us out!”

“Obama wants to meet with these evil people,” Palin said.

Joe looked outraged for a moment. “To talk to them! You know, without guns.”

Palin shuffled through some note cards and then proclaimed, “I talked to Henry Kissenger."

Ireland’s husband was wandering by and asked, “Is he still alive?”

Palin looked bewildered for a moment then shouted, “People hate America. They do not respect Americans and women rights!”

“Who?” Joe asked.

“The bad guys. Duh. Diplomacy is hard work,” said Palin, looking tired. “You got to have friends and people to back you up before you go talk to evil people.”

“God you’re stupid,” Joe commented. “We have no friends. The few we have are telling us to sit down and talk, but the guy who can’t read won’t sit down and talk because he doesn’t know how to talk. Our Allies hate us, for the most part. John McCain won’t even sit down with the government of SPAIN! What the hell did Spain do to him?”

Palin looked like a deer caught in headlights. “He hates Spanish people? I do not know. He never tells me anything.”

Joe nodded his head, seemingly understanding even more than before, “No wonder you never know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah,” Palin said nodding. “Wait! Israel is our strongest ally in the middle east. We won’t allow a second holocaust. We will protect them at all cost. I look forward to visiting the peaceful nation of Israel. America, it’s gotta commit to this.”

“Huh?” Joe asked, not aware they had changed subjects. “I think I will talk in third person and Joe Biden am a total friend of Israel. I am not sure how we got on this topic, but Bush sucks and he has failed at being a friend of Israel. For some odd reason, we seem to think we control the elections of other countries. I am not sure how this works, but Obama and Joe Biden have always been right. France is going to die because Bush did not listen to us. He failed. HA HA HA HE FAILED. Iran is trouble. They are stretching…something. Sorry, I lost my train of thought.”

“ I like the fact we both love Israel,” Palin proclaimed. “I don’t want to look backwards because I know our party sucks. I am sorry to tell you that, but you are all about CHANGE, how can you keep looking backwards? I am change. Look at me! I wear skirts! And cute shoes. I am a fashion icon. What was I talking about? Mavericks! I am one, John is one. Change is comin’.”

“Past is important. We have to look to the past in order to learn from history,” Joe reminded her. “John McCain is George Bush. He is the SAME! Only I think he can read. I haven’t heard of any differences between the two. And IT SUCKS. It is not CHANGE! WE have lost our respect. WE MUST GET IT BACK!”

“Whatever,” Palin said with a flick of hair. “Nuclear weapons! They sucks. We cannot use it. Plus, we gotta stop people from getting weapons. WE should attack those who have them with ours? Wait, did I say that? No, uh, we need to put economic sanctions on them, even though our economy sucks. Can I talk about Afghanistan? WE rock there. We are not like Bush. WE are totally different. Obama claims we are being evil in Afghanistan. That is not true. We are fighting terrorism and building schools. Just like that dude Tom Hanks played in that movie wanted.”

Joe decided to ignore Palin. “Facts matter. The General who is there right now, said our current ways will not in Afghanistan. Basically he said we suck and we need to spend more money in this place establishing government. We waste money in Iraq. It’d take seven years to spend as much money as we do in three weeks in Iraq. John McCain sucks. Remember that. He does not have a super hero suit, he sucks. He cancelled on Letterman. HE doesn’t support….oops, I ran out of time. Obama rules. He is friendly. He knows to keep nuclear weapons out of terrorist hands. He rules. Trust me. I know, I am Joe Biden and I talk in third person.”

“Dude, you are wrong. The surge principle would totally work,” Palin said. “But even if it doesn’t, we have friends there! We are not waging a war all alone there. We are building schools. You can’t build schools in Iraq.”

“Dude, where the hell do you get your information?” Joe asked.

Palin held up her pile of note cards. “These note cards.”

Joe rolled his eyes. “Oi. McCain seems to think we won in Afghanistan. Sort of like Bush thinks we won in Iraq. I have an intervention list. I want to intervene in places where those Hollywood people go. WE will WIN! I want to save the world! Because, guess what? I AM A SUPER HERO!”

Palin put her hands on her hips. “You are not. Where is your super suit?”

Joe motioned to his suit and said, “This is my super suit! Bush lied to me, by the way. I gave him the power to go to war, because he claimed he needed the power because NATO was having issues and he needed to keep economic sanctions. HE JUST WANTED TO GO GET SADDAM! And screw up a bunch of young kids. Dafur is a major issues. SAVE THE WORLD!”

Palin looked happy and said, “I thought it was, Save the cheerleader, save the world? I am a Washington outsider. I don’t understand it at all. Americans want the straight talk. They don’t want flip floppers. You don’t even really like Obama. You don’t agree with him. I watched the debates on that stuff back in Middle America Alaska. I will talk more about myself and Alaska and how wonderful I am ruling over Alaska. When I found out we were invested in evil nations, I pulled the money out and I am wonderful. I will end YOU!”

“Okay, you can’t call me Joe any more,” Joe said, looking unhappy.

Palin asked, “Huh?”

“We need to follow rules about genocide. Nations would intervene and not do nothing about it. It is horrible. If you won’t intervene, you forget your right. Let’s go back to the war thing. I don’t agree with McCain. HE SUCKS. But I still love him, do not worry. We are going to be stuck in Iraq forever because McCain was delusional because he agreed with Cheney about how it was going to be short. And we all know Bush can’t read,” said Joe.

Palin shuffled her cards and said, “I disagree. You hate Obama. I totally know it. You’re just trying to get elected, as I am, but who cares. I am not very bright and am using this odd accent. McCain rules. Trust me. I know these things. HE learns from mistakes and blunders, even if he picked me when I decided to go Hollywood. McCain knows how to win a war.”

Joe narrowed his eyes and said, “No he doesn’t. He’s not a general.”

People of St. Louis all roll their eyes and said, “Okay, you guys disagree. And what would happen if the president dies?”

Joe stood up tall and announced, “I would carry out Obama’s plans to the tee. Everything would be wonderful while the country morns our beloved leader. I would also be sad. But I would prevail and carry on and become the new Harry Potter by rejected the Bush Doctrine. We will cooperate with the world! They will love us again! This is an important election, the most since 1932, even though no one really knows what happened then!”

“Were you alive in 1932? I bet you were,” Palin announced. Joe rolled his eyes. “We are a team of mavericks, thus we don’t agree. I will do my own thing and keep my opinion and I will make good policies. I would continue his good work, by putting the government in the hands of the PEOPLE! The people of MAIN STREET AND MIDDLE AMERICA! Working class all the way! I’m all for the people!”

“Huh?” Joe asked.

Palin looked around for a moment and then shouted, “I like people! Especially the middle class ones. I like those best.”

“You are not for the little people. You like the rich folks,” Joe said, and turned to face the camera. “I like the little people. I eat with them, I socialize with them. I am one of them. This is why I talk in third person. My hood gets it and knows they got the shaft. I don’t know what middle class you are from, but not mine.”

Palin looked shocked and said, “Say it ain’t so Joe! (she really said that!) You went backwards again! I will throw some more cute catch phrases and I will talk really fast about education and in run on sentences about education really fast to get it over with quickly. Teachers need more money, I am from a house full of school teachers, we are all teachers, except me as I wanted to be a television anchor until I accidently tripped into politics. NO Child Left behind does suck, it failed, just like so many people said it would, but whatever. My kids go to public school! Aren’t I cool! Yay Education!”

And everyone gets extra credit. No idea why.

“We all know what the vp does. They do nothing!” Palin exclaimed happily.

Joe looked tired and said, “They do not. They preside over the senate.”

“Oh yeah. So I have a lot of power. Yay me!” Palin said, waving her hands around.

Joe hid his face behind his hands.

Palin went through her note cards again and said, “I want to work with children with special needs, as Trig is a special needs child and not because his name is Trig.”

Joe lifted up his head and said, “No child left behind was underfunded, hence why we left a bunch of kids behind. We suck.”

Suddenly, from the kitchen, Ireland’s husband yelled, “DID YOU EAT THE JAVA CHIP ICE CREAM AND CAKE TODAY?”

“No. I just ate the cake you gave me,” Ireland said.

“You did not. Where did all the Java Chip go?” Ireland’s husband asked.

“Uhh…I lost track of the debate,” Ireland said.

“That is okay, Ireland. You did not miss much,” Joe said, then went on. “I have a rep. I look forward to playing with OBAMA and brining in CHANGE! I LIKE CHANGE.”

Palin still looked like a kid in a candy store as she said, “I will have a ton more power as vp. Like Cheney. I will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

Joe smirked and said, “By staring at Russia from your back yard.”

Palin looked at Joe like he was finally crazy and said, “Duh. I’m going to be a flexible vp. I rock. I wear lipstick. And I have really cute shoes.”

Joe looked embarrassed to be standing in the same room as Palin. Palin shuffled through her trusty cards and announced, “I owned my own business!”

Joe lifted up his head and said, “Great. Cheney is dangerous. He’s totally running the country. He failed totally. He failed to understand the constitution. HE SUCKS HE IS EVIL! He ruled Bush. He had no authority to do anything he’s really done. He controls the nation. I am scared of him in all honesty. He seemed to think he has power. He has run the country into the ground. HE SUCKS. I AM FOR CHANGE!”

Palin looked high and mighty for a moment and asked, “Then, well, wouldn’t you be for a different type of vp?”

“No.”

That answer threw Palin so she said, “I am governor of a huge state.”

“With like ten people in it,” Ireland’s husband comments as he walked back to watch the rest of South Park.

“There are more people in than ten, Mr. Flight Suit,” Palin shouted. “I have a connection to the heart land of American, because I have lots of kids and am governor of a big ass state. Also, I didn’t have health care for awhile and am worried about paying for college! I am just like you! Isn’t that just the bees knees?”

“What the hell are you talking about? Ireland wasn’t paying attention to you anymore because you annoy her to no end,” Joe told Palin.

“Oh, I don’t know. I am talking about myself again,” Palin admitted.

“I have no discipline evidently, but that is okay,” Joe said. “I am old. I won’t change, I have never changed, but I am ALL FOR CHANGE! I wrote a crime bill to make this country saver. I understand what is like to be a single parent. I was one! I know what life is like for Americans. I am better off now, I have a house, but at one point I really sucked at life. Thus, I totally get it. Just like she does. People want help. They are not looking for more of the same.”

“They are looking for CHANGE!” Palin shouted, thrusting her fist in the air. “He’s a maverick. I mean, McCain is a maverick, not Joe there. I am going to talk about myself more now. I appointed my friends, but let’s not talk about that.”

Joe looked mystified. “Are you serious?”

“I am diverse. WE are all diverse and McCain will lead us to victory! We gotta win the wars! WE gotta get the economy back to what it was when…uh, that other guy was in charge. McCain is for CHANGE!!!!!!!!!!!!” Palin exclaimed.

“You know you should not take my tag line,” Joe commented. “I love John, but he sucks. He is not a maverick. That is just his stupid catch phrase like CHANGE is mine! HE doesn’t want to give anyone health care. He sucks. He hates education. He hasn’t been a maverick on anything that effects what MIDDLE AMERICAN is talking about. He is old and totally out of touch. I might be old, but I’m not that out of touch. I talk to Obama.”

Palin looked really tired for a moment and asked, “Are we done yet?”

People of St. Louis roll their eyes and said, “Yeah, you’re almost done with your ONLY DEBATE of this election. Oh, we remember when there were a TON of debates.”

Joe looked throughful for a moment and said, “I was a lawyer once. This somehow ties into judges. And CHANGE. Ideology is important in judges. That is why I hate Bush and his trying to CHANGE the Supreme Court. IT matters what the philosophy of this…I changed some how. I am not sure what this means and I think I am babbling.”

Palin looked alarmed for a moment, realizing she had to talk, so she said, “I voted for things I did not agree with to progress CHANGE! I failed at the support thing, but I’m still all good. I rule. In middle America Alaska. I am talking about myself again. La la la, I will bring myself to Washington and McCain will get the job done.”

“What job?” Joe challenged.

“Oh, any job,” Palin said with a flap of her hand.

“Okay…I’m going to talk about myself. I am totally able to talk people into things and change things. I question things and I get respect. I rock. Remember that, I rock and so does Obama because we LIKE CHANGE!” Joe exclaimed and punched the air.

“No, I rock. I appoint anyone. I walk the walk and I don’t just talk the talk. I am diverse. I think I might know a democrat or something. VOTE FOR ME! VOTE FOR ME!” Palin said, jumping up and down.

Joe looked embarrassed again and reminded her, “They can’t vote for you.”

Palin looked embarrassed. She said, “VOTE MCCAIN!”

“There you go,” Joe said to her like she was a three year old.

“Don’t kill jobs! Don’t increase taxes! That will KILL JOBS!” Palin announced.

Ireland looked confused and asked, “Huh?”

Palin ignored Ireland and smiled graciously at the camera and said, “Thank you for having me here. I liked meeting you and debating. I like answering the questions without the media. I like talking to the American people. McCain rules, Obama drools. Yay! Middle class, I was once one! I am totally proud to be an American! YAY! Fight for your right to parrrrtay!”

“You mean, freedom, not party,” Joe suggested.

“Yeah, yeah. We are fighting. And McCain was a war hero! HE spent five years in a box! And he’s a fighter pilot,” Palin went on.

Ireland’s husband walked into the room and said, “Jerk.”

Palin looked affronted and said, “He’s not a jerk!”

“I liked meeting you by the way,” Joe said, trying to get back on track. “You do smell good, but, we are in a total hell hole in this country and we need CHANGE in EVERYTHING and Obama will totally change this. He is Obama, the Harry Potter of the Political world. He will save us all from Voldermort and the wild pigs. Remember that. WE will still fight for your rights and freedom, but we will also fight for education, health care and respect. I will now talk about my hood and how middle class I am. Obama is also middle class. He rocks. CHANGE! CHANGE! GET UP AND CHANGE! God bless us all! Protect our troops!”

People of St Louis looked relieved and said, “The end. Thank you to St. Louis. Please come back and see some more presidential debates with some other guys only one of which I have heard of at various other locations around the country that are not St. Louis. Please remain out of East St. Louis unless you are looking for a thug dog.”

Ireland sits for a moment before she told her husband, “Well, that was a let down. Palin didn’t totally embarrass herself. Palin didn’t speak in proper English. And what the hell is a Joe Six Pack? She still annoys me to no end. Palin had issues answering the question. I think she had written answers.”

“More than likely,” Ireland’s husband agreeed.