The Wrath of Carpet

I hate carpet.

I am dead serious. Who ever thought carpet was a good idea should, well, be forced to vacuum it with a vacuum cleaner that 1) doesn't seem to pick up dog hair and 2) cuts out because the cord if frayed.

I think my husband has a deep mental connection to the vacuum cleaner we have. When it needs "help" he just ignores it and says its fine. When I first married him, he had an Orek vacuum cleaner. My mother has two Orek vacuums. She got one for her wedding and like it so much, she got another one. (I think after we moved into a two floor house? I don't remember. I was three.) They have lasted and I never hated using them. I thought it'd be fine with Pilot Boy's Orek.

Hell no. I couldn't PUSH THE THING. Our first apartment was all carpet. I was trying to be nice, since I had no job, and clean the joint. The vacuum and I DID NOT GET ALONG. It was very hard to push and I was pretty sure it was not picking anything up.

Pilot Boy just said I was weak. I yelled at him and said he could vacuum.

So he did. (This often happens. I announce I am no longer doing something and he can do it, and he just usually does it.)

When we lived in the Dirt Hole, my mother came to visit me. She had heard me complain about the vacuum and couldn't believe an Orek would suck. (And not in the way it should.) She took one look at it, flipped it over and proclaimed it needed a new rubber band thingy. (She used the right name.) Oddly, the vacuum cleaner came with this little slot to keep a spare, so she put it on, while chiding Pilot Boy. I think she also cleaned out the brush and said we needed a new one.

Pilot Boy said we did not need a new brush, so we never got one. I would look online, I would contemplate going to the Orek store in the Dirt Hole (so surprised there was a Orek Store in the Dirt Hole...) But I never got one. I never ordered one because the shipping cost more than the brush and most places that were not HEB or Walmart freaked me out in the Dirt Hole. (Well, actually HEB and Walmart freaked me out, but they were so big, I felt like if I vanished, someone might notice, or at least a CTV camera would catch it.)

So, then I went home and my mother yelled at me for not ordering one. She tired on several occasions to get me to order one, but I had all ready decided I was going to get a new vacuum cleaner when I got to Alaska. I dreamed of a day I would have a super sucker. I also wanted to get one that was also a hand held vacuum, as I did not have one and with Basil Bea, I figured it was time to get one to clean the couches she dearly loved.

I got to Alaska and got the old vacuum back. The first time Pilot Boy got it out and turned it on....it started on fire and blew up.

I was THRILLED. (Other than the rancid smell.)

However, after telling my mother it blew up and telling her the familiar smell of yucky vacuum had appeared, she informed me that Pilot Boy had just broken the belt or something and I could get it fixed. Unfortunatly, PIlot Boy saw this email, so he sent me to get a new brush and rubber band thing. I took the parts with me to the shop and the guy said, "Yeah, you have a dog dont' you?"

I  nodded.

"I bet you have long hair too?"

I nodded again.

"You're going to have to clean this brush out or its going to get stuck and blow up again," he told me. He then told me I should bring my vacuum in for a tune up.

Pilot Boy scoffed at the tune up. "Its a flipping vacuum cleaner."

Our whole house is carpet. I am surprised they did not carpet the kitchen, in all honesty. Our dog is a shedding wonder. I have mysterious allergies. Least to say, I am not a happy camper in this house in the winter when I can't go outside and sit there for two hours to wait out a sinus headache.

Today, I was vacuuming. Yesterday I vacuumed. It takes an hour to do the upstairs. It takes another hour to do the downstairs. It takes almost a half hour to get the stairs really done. I was doing the stairs today and realized the tiny hand held I had gotten from my grandpa for free (it had come with the new vaccum my Grandma had ordered and she had stashed it away even though she could have given it to me since she all ready had a hand held vac that worked...but I digress.) was no longer sucking up anything. I changed the bag. It was kinda full (not full, but kinda full). I put a new bag in and tried again. Still wasn't really picking up dog hair, but the stairs look clean(er). I vacuumed the downstairs and sat down to look at the floor. Still had dog hair.

I do not mess with the vacuum. Mostly because I tend to break things when I mess with them. I just sat up, looked at Basil and said, "We're getting a new one."

She still looked freaked out. She hates the vacuum, but still follows me around looking freaked out. At least she doesn't throw up in front of it any more like she used to.

But, this whole vacuum drama just makes me hate carpet a little bit more. I haven't like it since the Dirt Hole, but I knew I was in trouble when we walked into this house and it was ALL CARPET. I saw hours and hours of my life drowning in dust and hair while I fight with the vacuum. Recently, its been cutting out randomly and turning itself out because the cord is frayed at the top. I could tape it, but it just makes me mad that I have to put this stupid thing together all the time.

I just want a new one. I want one where I can just dump out the crap at the end of my time. I want one that will suck up the dog hair on the first go and I do not have to spend an hour vacuuming my home. (Well, two hours. But I never do both on the same day.)

I have dreams of Dysons. I am serious. I have dreams about vacuuming with Dysons. I also have dreams I have wood floors and just have to swiffer up the dog hair. Which would never take me an hour and I would not have a dog barking at me while I was doing it.